Did you know that sometimes when it seems like men are writing or talking or singing about something, often it is actually about a lady? Sometimes it’s a chick they want to bang, and sometimes it’s about a chick they have previously banged and now have bad feelings about, and sometimes it’s about how women in general are fickle and treacherous. I mean, they’re SO fickle and treacherous that men can’t even straight up say “yo, I hate women” without a bunch of shrill females getting their bloomers in a bunch.
Men had to invent metaphors so that they could publicly trash-talk their exes and then be like “Haha what? Noooooo, this song isn’t about you. It’s about a literal venus flytrap plant that eats literal insects. It’s not because you crushed my spirit like an ant beneath your shapely foot.”
Men love metaphors because they make them feel smart and sneaky, even when they are in fact neither of those things.
If you were every wondering if a man made wrote or painted something about you but tried to pretend it was about something else entirely, then a) probably he did and b) here is a handy guide to dudes’ favourite symbology of ladies:
1. The Sea
The sea is a good metaphor for women because it’s always wrecking shit that men love – boats, expensive cargo, the lithe bodies of beautiful young sailors. The sea is dark and cold and salty as fuck, just like a woman’s heart. Ask any seasoned mariner, and he’ll tell you that storms out at sea can come out of nowhere – one minute the water is still as glass, the next minute the heavens have opened up and you’re about to be destroyed by a ten foot wave. And if that doesn’t sound like a woman, I don’t know what does!
2. Ships
Any song about a ship is actually about a woman. Especially if it’s about a ship that sinks. You’d better believe that sinking ships are metaphors for women. Everyone knows bitches are always going down and dragging their men with them.
3. Anything Maritime, Really
Pretty much all things ocean-related are metaphors for women. Scavenging seagulls are women. Hidden rocks that ships wreck themselves on are women. Icebergs are women. Sea monsters can be women, but only in specific circumstances. For example, if a sea monster has long tentacles that it uses to clasp ships to its slimy bosom, then it’s definitely a metaphor for women. But if a sea monster resembles a triassic era dinosaur or some kind of shark, it’s probably about men’s potent sexuality or some bullshit.
Speaking of sharks, sharks pretty much always represent men, unless it’s a story about a shark eating its young. Then the shark represents Mommy Issues.
4. The Moon
You might think the moon makes men think of women because of menstruation cycles or whatever, but you’d be wrong. Men use the moon as a metaphor for women because it changes shape and is “inconstant” and always wants the last fucking word in an argument, am I right?
5. Cats
Look, I don’t know who decided that cats are feminine and dogs are masculine, but someone did and that idea has stuck and now we all just have to live with it. Cats are moody and unaffectionate and enjoy hunting small prey, which frankly describes more men that I know than it does women, but whatever. Cats are metaphors for ladies.
6. Birds
Birds that are metaphors for women:
– swans
– humming birds
– sparrows
– starlings
– anything sleek or pretty or shrill
– owls (but only if the author is describing the owls as spooky or weird)
Birds that are metaphors for men:
– birds of prey
– albatrosses, probably
– pelicans
– owls (but only if the author is describing their intelligence or hunting prowess)
7. Storms
I mean, they used to only ever named hurricanes after women. Because, again, women only exist to destroy everything you love.
8. Mines (Especially Diamond Mines)
Mines are dark and dangerous and liable to fill up with deadly gases at any moment – just like women. The further you go, the more likely they are to suffocate you – just like women. They take the best years of your life and leave you broken and penniless – just like women. Need I say more?
9. Soil
Any time a dude is waxing lyrical about soil or earth, you’d better believe he’s actually talking about a woman. Especially if he describes the soil as either “fertile” or “barren.” “Tilling” and “ploughing” are both euphemisms for sex, obviously. A “bad harvest” is when a woman friendzones or otherwise rejects a man. You’re welcome!
10. Sports Trophies
I don’t know, these probably represent women somehow.
11. Cars and Trucks
Vehicles are tricky, because sometimes they are stand-ins for a man’s sense of masculinity. But if a guy has a lot of gushy feelings about his pickup, he’s probably actually talking about a woman.
12. Plants
Flowering plants are women. Plants that happen to be deadly in some way are women. Anything with tendrils is a woman. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, that’s just how it is.
13. Food
Fruit is feminine. Any kind of baked good is feminine. Seafood is feminine. Chocolate is feminine.
Spoiled food is feminine, because women are always spoiling things.
Seriously? ??? Never thought that way. Amazingly true!
simply loved it….and I could say the same on some points about men, especially to do with mines, they supress you, and blow it up, then leave you all dead and forgotten, thats men
:’D ;’D :’D :’D
My metaphor for laughing my ass off. Hilarious af
Electronics are female, too, since they’re always breaking down or on the fritz, causing those techy men such heartache and annoyance. But when women have problems with electronics, the techy men say, “User error.”
love it and it’s creepy of how the octopus or squid is holding the boat so that the boat couldn’t move
There has to be a corollary post in the making in which you find the ways in which women enumerate a man’s flaws in poetic terms. Post…dissertation…12-volume encyclopedia…
Interesting. The thought process is an amazing thing, but to motivate others by opening up their minds and taking in another view, that’s special. Well done.
You’re a genius! I’m not!
This is one of the most brilliant, hilarious pieces I’ve read in a long time. Pure genius. Thank you so much for this piece and for not holding anything back.
Pls check out my piece on the beauty of a lady https://lazypoet.me
Love it….lovely!I
Beautiful. Brings a tear to my eye.
Loved this 😀😂
Damn! You found us out! Even worse, now you can use this list to figure out what we’re really talking about when we write about women!
Love!!!
The first sentence under sea started to make me laugh like hell lol!
Yesssss
Reblogged this on How to Mess Up Your Twenties.
Woah! *realisation realisation* I laughed while reading this! Actually true now that I’m thinking about it…
This is amazing ! Laughed my heart out
I enjoy this…
Hahahahahaha!!!! Omg I was laughing my face off when reading this. Had everyone looking at me like: “ookaayy then???” 😂😂😂😂 good one love. Good one
Reblogged this on ENIGMA.
Haha, some sort of a code name. 🙂
yup – no exaggeration or embellishment needed to make it funny yet true
Hahaha 😀 Its very funny and somewhat true! loved it… Why don’t you write what us girls relate men to in your next post??
This is amazing . Brings a tear to my eye..
Nice
Unbeliev4bleqwer
http://www.gennogingertherapy.com/
Very entertaining, ten stars⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Couldn’t quit laughing!
Beautiful written
…And hysterical:)
Priceless. How did I get to 53 and not know this? And all those decades my husband was talking about his motorbike, I thought he was really talking about his motorbike. How obtuse and straightforward of me. Just love it!
This is great, really…! 🙂 (y)
Wha…? What are you talking about?
Hey, I’m new to WordPress and I feel so great about everything after reading this blog of yours. This was fun, and write pretty amazing.
This is hilarious!
Good to know….
Great insights – I am sharing this . . .
So funny!!
If i could have such honesty, i would never lie to my girlfriend just to see a smile on her face
Reblogged this on SJS writing.
Wow, I am gonna dig deep into these posts, at my leisure. This is as near as I have found, I think, so far, to a blog ‘after my own heart’. More feedback later.
This post is the definition of “it’s funny because it’s true”
(not that it’s true now, that when writing classic literature this was the misogynistic logic that people actually used).
❤ this, and re-blogged!
Omigosh I laughed soooooo hard at this!! Thanks for this, I paint and will now pay attention not to add these intentional stigmas!
I’m cracking up, absolutely love this. It’s so true and sadly it will never change. I love the way you crashed the code. Especially LOVE this quote, “It’s not because you crushed my spirit like an ant beneath your shapely foot.”
I like the way you analyzed this- ha! They’re not getting anything past you. I need to be more like you…