A List Of Things In Literature, Music and Art That Are Actually Metaphors For Women

17 May

Did you know that sometimes when it seems like men are writing or talking or singing about something, often it is actually about a lady? Sometimes it’s a chick they want to bang, and sometimes it’s about a chick they have previously banged and now have bad feelings about, and sometimes it’s about how women in general are fickle and treacherous. I mean, they’re SO fickle and treacherous that men can’t even straight up say “yo, I hate women” without a bunch of shrill females getting their bloomers in a bunch.

Men had to invent metaphors so that they could publicly trash-talk their exes and then be like “Haha what? Noooooo, this song isn’t about you. It’s about a literal venus flytrap plant that eats literal insects. It’s not because you crushed my spirit like an ant beneath your shapely foot.”

Men love metaphors because they make them feel smart and sneaky, even when they are in fact neither of those things.

If you were every wondering if a man made wrote or painted something about you but tried to pretend it was about something else entirely, then a) probably he did and b) here is a handy guide to dudes’ favourite symbology of ladies:

1. The Sea

The sea is a good metaphor for women because it’s always wrecking shit that men love – boats, expensive cargo, the lithe bodies of beautiful young sailors. The sea is dark and cold and salty as fuck, just like a woman’s heart. Ask any seasoned mariner, and he’ll tell you that storms out at sea can come out of nowhere – one minute the water is still as glass, the next minute the heavens have opened up and you’re about to be destroyed by a ten foot wave. And if that doesn’t sound like a woman, I don’t know what does!

2. Ships

Any song about a ship is actually about a woman. Especially if it’s about a ship that sinks. You’d better believe that sinking ships are metaphors for women. Everyone knows bitches are always going down and dragging their men with them.

3. Anything Maritime, Really

Pretty much all things ocean-related are metaphors for women. Scavenging seagulls are women. Hidden rocks that ships wreck themselves on are women. Icebergs are women. Sea monsters can be women, but only in specific circumstances. For example, if a sea monster has long tentacles that it uses to clasp ships to its slimy bosom, then it’s definitely a metaphor for women. But if a sea monster resembles a triassic era dinosaur or some kind of shark, it’s probably about men’s potent sexuality or some bullshit.

Speaking of sharks, sharks pretty much always represent men, unless it’s a story about a shark eating its young. Then the shark represents Mommy Issues.

4. The Moon

You might think the moon makes men think of women because of menstruation cycles or whatever, but you’d be wrong. Men use the moon as a metaphor for women because it changes shape and is “inconstant” and always wants the last fucking word in an argument, am I right?

5. Cats

Look, I don’t know who decided that cats are feminine and dogs are masculine, but someone did and that idea has stuck and now we all just have to live with it. Cats are moody and unaffectionate and enjoy hunting small prey, which frankly describes more men that I know than it does women, but whatever. Cats are metaphors for ladies.

6. Birds

Birds that are metaphors for women:
– swans
– humming birds
– sparrows
– starlings
– anything sleek or pretty or shrill
– owls (but only if the author is describing the owls as spooky or weird)

Birds that are metaphors for men:
– birds of prey
– albatrosses, probably
– pelicans
– owls (but only if the author is describing their intelligence or hunting prowess)

7. Storms

I mean, they used to only ever named hurricanes after women. Because, again, women only exist to destroy everything you love.

8. Mines (Especially Diamond Mines)

Mines are dark and dangerous and liable to fill up with deadly gases at any moment – just like women. The further you go, the more likely they are to suffocate you – just like women. They take the best years of your life and leave you broken and penniless – just like women. Need I say more?

9. Soil

Any time a dude is waxing lyrical about soil or earth, you’d better believe he’s actually talking about a woman. Especially if he describes the soil as either “fertile” or “barren.” “Tilling” and “ploughing” are both euphemisms for sex, obviously. A “bad harvest” is when a woman friendzones or otherwise rejects a man. You’re welcome!

10. Sports Trophies

I don’t know, these probably represent women somehow.

11. Cars and Trucks

Vehicles are tricky, because sometimes they are stand-ins for a man’s sense of masculinity. But if a guy has a lot of gushy feelings about his pickup, he’s probably actually talking about a woman.

12. Plants

Flowering plants are women. Plants that happen to be deadly in some way are women. Anything with tendrils is a woman. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, that’s just how it is.

13. Food

Fruit is feminine. Any kind of baked good is feminine. Seafood is feminine. Chocolate is feminine.

Spoiled food is feminine, because women are always spoiling things.

Kraken

Advertisements

196 Responses to “A List Of Things In Literature, Music and Art That Are Actually Metaphors For Women”

  1. wingless May 25, 2016 at 6:41 pm #

    after reading this post two things came to my mind 1) I have never ever used them and 2) I should use them the next time I write something. thanks:) for delighting me

  2. Cattenburg May 25, 2016 at 6:57 pm #

    This is great! 😂

  3. happinessinahatbox May 25, 2016 at 7:24 pm #

    Fantastic! I’ve heard a lot about the sea, moon and weather, but I never knew about the SOIL! I can *really* see that now. Very funny and poignant post – love it.

  4. Hello I'm Jessica May 25, 2016 at 7:26 pm #

    Very clever. I love the concept.

  5. sakurastearz May 25, 2016 at 8:33 pm #

    I can’t get enough of this

  6. Christina Leragdoll May 25, 2016 at 8:55 pm #

    Very good 👍🏼

  7. scribesmith May 25, 2016 at 11:19 pm #

    lol….. can’t believe you got us this good
    I actually write this way from time to time
    nice work

  8. Fae Fawkes May 25, 2016 at 11:43 pm #

    *rolls on the floor laughing* So good, so true, and it goes both ways. And omg, I really love how you seem to be going in one direction, but cut right to the chase of “Because women ruin everything”.
    I guess when you have love problems, that’s true for any artist.

  9. fyobjorvinsson May 26, 2016 at 1:09 am #

    This is hilarious!

  10. Miss Seasons Colore May 26, 2016 at 4:06 am #

    holy fuck!that was hilarious
    …………guess leaving the last reply in a song is female too…..

  11. maxr0x May 26, 2016 at 6:10 am #

    Amazing I really liked it! 👌👍 good job

  12. maxr0x May 26, 2016 at 6:12 am #

    You guys want to check out my blog? It is : manirox.wordpress.com
    Don’t come if you don’t want to

  13. Teherah May 26, 2016 at 8:04 am #

    Fantastic post any hope of a possible part 2. with metaphors for men?…actually forget I said it. 😁😂😊

  14. gdholdaway May 26, 2016 at 10:12 am #

    I loved this post from start to finish. Very funny, and more true than it should be in most cases!

  15. saintindictus May 26, 2016 at 12:35 pm #

    So funny what a great read!! Thx for sharing

  16. Vera May 26, 2016 at 2:13 pm #

    LOL!!!

  17. The Leaky Inkpot May 26, 2016 at 5:35 pm #

    Amazing post, hysterically caused a flat line in me

  18. acobriant82 May 26, 2016 at 6:04 pm #

    This is so hilarious, I had to read every last word!!

  19. bisschenglück May 26, 2016 at 6:21 pm #

    This is funny AND true 😀

  20. boisterousbrunette May 26, 2016 at 7:36 pm #

    This stuff is hilarious!! And the metaphors are so so true. Maybe there comes a day when women are referred about only through metaphors and when you say ‘woman’, a woman will be like “are you talking to me?!”

  21. martin845 May 26, 2016 at 8:53 pm #

    Thank you for that window on metaphor. I was unable to tell whether the post was by a man or a woman.

  22. J.R.Bee May 26, 2016 at 9:41 pm #

    Yep, that’s us. Inconstant, ever changing mysterious people that wreck stuff.
    Although I don’t mind being compared to the sea all that much- Mainly because I’m choosing the deep and mysterious aspect, not the temperamental wreck monster version.

  23. News Blast May 27, 2016 at 8:28 am #

    Love It!

  24. waruguru_mugo May 27, 2016 at 9:27 am #

    hahaha, awesome!!

  25. judyejeans May 27, 2016 at 12:58 pm #

    Hahahaha brilliant! 🙂

  26. ehrenzweig May 27, 2016 at 2:41 pm #

    Mira nomas, increíble!.😉

  27. thesparklyvolunteer May 27, 2016 at 5:30 pm #

    This is brilliant! I finally feel like I understand who I’m supposed be as a woman now!

  28. collegiateconservativesite May 27, 2016 at 11:51 pm #

    Very well written, and I got some new insights. But I have a question for you.
    Do you think women are exempt from making metaphors about men? Artists like Adele and Taylor Swift are constantly writing symbolic songs about how men broke their hearts (Set Fire to the Rain, Rolling in the Deep, etc.) It doesn’t undo what you asserted, but it makes the street a two-way one.
    Art is highly subjective. Your interpretation may be spot on, but only the artist (male or female) truly knows what the inspiration behind the song is.

  29. postapocalypticat May 28, 2016 at 6:59 am #

    Had to smile a lot xD some men may not even understand they are talking about women.

  30. Hadiza Motherconfesor Lana May 28, 2016 at 11:40 am #

    Cats are beautiful. They are tender and calm. The domestic cat. The petty cats are one hell of a feminine strength. Epic post.

  31. dez | the fun in reading books May 28, 2016 at 11:43 am #

    Funny. And interesting. Had a good laugh! 😀

  32. Hadiza Motherconfesor Lana May 28, 2016 at 12:21 pm #

    Reblogged this on men divulge in an undercover writing kinda style but its mostly all about women. 💁
    https://hadizatbelloblog.wordpress.com/2016/05/28/intriguing-2

  33. Hadiza Motherconfesor Lana May 28, 2016 at 12:30 pm #

    I love this post. Its epic.
    To me cats are feminine. Yes, the Petty domestic cats. There are tender, gentle , sweet and cuddle.
    With pretty electrifying eyes like mine. 😘😘

  34. Hadiza Motherconfesor Lana May 28, 2016 at 12:34 pm #

    This is an epic post. Me like.
    To me cats are feminine. I mean the petty domestic ones. Yes. They gentle, tender and cuddle with an electrifying eyes that stars like mine😘😘

  35. Hadiza Motherconfesor Lana May 28, 2016 at 12:34 pm #

    Beyond the surface, men divulge in an undercover writing kinda style but its mostly all about women. 💁 Here are the LIST OF THINGS IN LITERATURE, MUSIC AND ARTS THAT ARE METAPHORS FOR WOMEN Anything maritime, Really. Pretty much all things ocean-related are metaphors for women. Scavenging seagulls are women. Hidden rocks that ships wreck themselves on are women. Icebergs are women. [ 514 more words. ]

    https://hadizatbelloblog.wordpress.com/2016/05/28/intriguing-2

  36. Hadiza Motherconfesor Lana May 28, 2016 at 12:37 pm #

    Why do you think women cat walk. Does this ring a bell? Or are my thinking alone my bloggerholicks.
    😘

  37. palak97 May 28, 2016 at 2:19 pm #

    please check my blog and let me know what you feel about it 🙂

  38. Big Picture Guy May 28, 2016 at 6:24 pm #

    You listed 13 metaphors for women. I imagine you stopped there because you figured 13 is a metaphor in itself. An unlucky number – unless you don’t believe in unlucky numbers in which case you probably don’t believe in unlucky relationships. The floor that is always missing in uptown hotels so a guy can’t take his mistress there but, if he could, couldn’t possibly get caught. What the bagel baker throws in to his dozen so a guy can get an extra hole at no cost.

    The sea – not to be confused with Mother Earth – has always been female: back to the womb, of course, swallows sailors whole, leaving nothing but unfulfilled ambitions.

    There you go. I do indeed feel exceptionally smart and sneaky, though I am neither especially, at least not so’s you’d notice.

    Thank you for that.

  39. thephotopoetblog May 28, 2016 at 6:55 pm #

    Also, women are porcupines. They look cute and appealing at first, but when you try to make a move, they are wrathful and prickly.

  40. Prendie2000 May 28, 2016 at 8:28 pm #

    Man`s greatest problem. Can`t live with them, can`t live without them.

  41. kyokazuchan May 29, 2016 at 12:25 am #

    Tho I knew it before but it’s the first time read it in coherent packs of paragraphs and somehow it makes more sense!

    xoxo,
    kyoka
    wolfcafe.wordpress.com

  42. writeworld666 May 29, 2016 at 2:29 am #

    hysterical ….

  43. Betty Zhang May 29, 2016 at 9:56 am #

    Hits the spot :3

  44. avinamdar May 29, 2016 at 11:49 am #

    Hahaha…. I can’t stop laughing! 👌😂😂😂 This is a hilarious post and perhaps with a lot of truth to it. But as a poet now I’m going to have re-think all my word choices to not seem like a chauvinistic pig. Damn, this also changes how I will interpret poetry in the future, so many metaphors, it was all about women and maybe I never knew! 😂😂😂

  45. Johnross May 29, 2016 at 2:22 pm #

    Nice … I like it

  46. MoneshRaut May 29, 2016 at 4:51 pm #

    LOL.. That’s true coz all the best poets & writers wrote mostly about their love life.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. A List Of Things In Literature, Music and Art That Are Actually Metaphors For Women — The Belle Jar | poembooks - May 25, 2016

    […] via A List Of Things In Literature, Music and Art That Are Actually Metaphors For Women — The Belle J… […]

  2. Liebster Award – Liz Escape - May 26, 2016

    […] was was nominated by this awesome blogger from peaceamble (thanks Kate! Woot! Woot!) for the Liebster Award (you should check her out). To be honest with you […]

  3. A List Of Things In Literature, Music and Art That Are Actually Metaphors For Women | lovetrusthopeblog - May 27, 2016

    […] Source: A List Of Things In Literature, Music and Art That Are Actually Metaphors For Women […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: