A List Of Things In Literature, Music and Art That Are Actually Metaphors For Women

17 May

Did you know that sometimes when it seems like men are writing or talking or singing about something, often it is actually about a lady? Sometimes it’s a chick they want to bang, and sometimes it’s about a chick they have previously banged and now have bad feelings about, and sometimes it’s about how women in general are fickle and treacherous. I mean, they’re SO fickle and treacherous that men can’t even straight up say “yo, I hate women” without a bunch of shrill females getting their bloomers in a bunch.

Men had to invent metaphors so that they could publicly trash-talk their exes and then be like “Haha what? Noooooo, this song isn’t about you. It’s about a literal venus flytrap plant that eats literal insects. It’s not because you crushed my spirit like an ant beneath your shapely foot.”

Men love metaphors because they make them feel smart and sneaky, even when they are in fact neither of those things.

If you were every wondering if a man made wrote or painted something about you but tried to pretend it was about something else entirely, then a) probably he did and b) here is a handy guide to dudes’ favourite symbology of ladies:

1. The Sea

The sea is a good metaphor for women because it’s always wrecking shit that men love – boats, expensive cargo, the lithe bodies of beautiful young sailors. The sea is dark and cold and salty as fuck, just like a woman’s heart. Ask any seasoned mariner, and he’ll tell you that storms out at sea can come out of nowhere – one minute the water is still as glass, the next minute the heavens have opened up and you’re about to be destroyed by a ten foot wave. And if that doesn’t sound like a woman, I don’t know what does!

2. Ships

Any song about a ship is actually about a woman. Especially if it’s about a ship that sinks. You’d better believe that sinking ships are metaphors for women. Everyone knows bitches are always going down and dragging their men with them.

3. Anything Maritime, Really

Pretty much all things ocean-related are metaphors for women. Scavenging seagulls are women. Hidden rocks that ships wreck themselves on are women. Icebergs are women. Sea monsters can be women, but only in specific circumstances. For example, if a sea monster has long tentacles that it uses to clasp ships to its slimy bosom, then it’s definitely a metaphor for women. But if a sea monster resembles a triassic era dinosaur or some kind of shark, it’s probably about men’s potent sexuality or some bullshit.

Speaking of sharks, sharks pretty much always represent men, unless it’s a story about a shark eating its young. Then the shark represents Mommy Issues.

4. The Moon

You might think the moon makes men think of women because of menstruation cycles or whatever, but you’d be wrong. Men use the moon as a metaphor for women because it changes shape and is “inconstant” and always wants the last fucking word in an argument, am I right?

5. Cats

Look, I don’t know who decided that cats are feminine and dogs are masculine, but someone did and that idea has stuck and now we all just have to live with it. Cats are moody and unaffectionate and enjoy hunting small prey, which frankly describes more men that I know than it does women, but whatever. Cats are metaphors for ladies.

6. Birds

Birds that are metaphors for women:
– swans
– humming birds
– sparrows
– starlings
– anything sleek or pretty or shrill
– owls (but only if the author is describing the owls as spooky or weird)

Birds that are metaphors for men:
– birds of prey
– albatrosses, probably
– pelicans
– owls (but only if the author is describing their intelligence or hunting prowess)

7. Storms

I mean, they used to only ever named hurricanes after women. Because, again, women only exist to destroy everything you love.

8. Mines (Especially Diamond Mines)

Mines are dark and dangerous and liable to fill up with deadly gases at any moment – just like women. The further you go, the more likely they are to suffocate you – just like women. They take the best years of your life and leave you broken and penniless – just like women. Need I say more?

9. Soil

Any time a dude is waxing lyrical about soil or earth, you’d better believe he’s actually talking about a woman. Especially if he describes the soil as either “fertile” or “barren.” “Tilling” and “ploughing” are both euphemisms for sex, obviously. A “bad harvest” is when a woman friendzones or otherwise rejects a man. You’re welcome!

10. Sports Trophies

I don’t know, these probably represent women somehow.

11. Cars and Trucks

Vehicles are tricky, because sometimes they are stand-ins for a man’s sense of masculinity. But if a guy has a lot of gushy feelings about his pickup, he’s probably actually talking about a woman.

12. Plants

Flowering plants are women. Plants that happen to be deadly in some way are women. Anything with tendrils is a woman. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, that’s just how it is.

13. Food

Fruit is feminine. Any kind of baked good is feminine. Seafood is feminine. Chocolate is feminine.

Spoiled food is feminine, because women are always spoiling things.

Kraken

196 Responses to “A List Of Things In Literature, Music and Art That Are Actually Metaphors For Women”

  1. Anil Hudda May 24, 2016 at 5:32 pm #

    Seriously? ??? Never thought that way. Amazingly true!

  2. kuzcoblog May 24, 2016 at 5:57 pm #

    simply loved it….and I could say the same on some points about men, especially to do with mines, they supress you, and blow it up, then leave you all dead and forgotten, thats men

  3. petitewise May 24, 2016 at 6:20 pm #

    :’D ;’D :’D :’D
    My metaphor for laughing my ass off. Hilarious af

  4. threecharms May 24, 2016 at 6:22 pm #

    Electronics are female, too, since they’re always breaking down or on the fritz, causing those techy men such heartache and annoyance. But when women have problems with electronics, the techy men say, “User error.”

  5. annietretyak May 24, 2016 at 6:24 pm #

    love it and it’s creepy of how the octopus or squid is holding the boat so that the boat couldn’t move

  6. kirizar May 24, 2016 at 6:25 pm #

    There has to be a corollary post in the making in which you find the ways in which women enumerate a man’s flaws in poetic terms. Post…dissertation…12-volume encyclopedia…

  7. Adapt Fitness May 24, 2016 at 6:31 pm #

    Interesting. The thought process is an amazing thing, but to motivate others by opening up their minds and taking in another view, that’s special. Well done.

  8. George F. May 24, 2016 at 6:37 pm #

    You’re a genius! I’m not!

  9. felicityworthington May 24, 2016 at 6:49 pm #

    This is one of the most brilliant, hilarious pieces I’ve read in a long time. Pure genius. Thank you so much for this piece and for not holding anything back.

  10. mj May 24, 2016 at 6:50 pm #

    Love it….lovely!I

  11. hyruleanhyroe May 24, 2016 at 6:53 pm #

    Beautiful. Brings a tear to my eye.

  12. Darren May 24, 2016 at 6:58 pm #

    Loved this 😀😂

  13. brianbalke May 24, 2016 at 7:09 pm #

    Damn! You found us out! Even worse, now you can use this list to figure out what we’re really talking about when we write about women!

  14. sugarmagnolia40 May 24, 2016 at 7:53 pm #

    Love!!!

  15. thesmilingpilgrim May 24, 2016 at 7:58 pm #

    The first sentence under sea started to make me laugh like hell lol!

  16. buildingdiversebookshelves May 24, 2016 at 8:16 pm #

    Yesssss

  17. depaysement325 May 24, 2016 at 9:11 pm #

    Reblogged this on How to Mess Up Your Twenties.

  18. arjunacontent May 24, 2016 at 10:36 pm #

    Woah! *realisation realisation* I laughed while reading this! Actually true now that I’m thinking about it…

  19. nocteangelus May 24, 2016 at 11:21 pm #

    This is amazing ! Laughed my heart out

  20. michaelkubly May 25, 2016 at 12:14 am #

    I enjoy this…

  21. slizzysimmons May 25, 2016 at 12:31 am #

    Hahahahahaha!!!! Omg I was laughing my face off when reading this. Had everyone looking at me like: “ookaayy then???” 😂😂😂😂 good one love. Good one

  22. shanemuico May 25, 2016 at 2:56 am #

    Reblogged this on ENIGMA.

  23. Iriz Chan May 25, 2016 at 3:51 am #

    Haha, some sort of a code name. 🙂

  24. Daal May 25, 2016 at 3:54 am #

    yup – no exaggeration or embellishment needed to make it funny yet true

  25. yourmind34 May 25, 2016 at 4:19 am #

    Hahaha 😀 Its very funny and somewhat true! loved it… Why don’t you write what us girls relate men to in your next post??

  26. UAE Visa Information Center May 25, 2016 at 6:06 am #

    This is amazing . Brings a tear to my eye..

  27. fidenceblog May 25, 2016 at 7:19 am #

    Nice

  28. text3kied May 25, 2016 at 7:31 am #

    Unbeliev4bleqwer

  29. GENERATION NOW May 25, 2016 at 10:21 am #

    Very entertaining, ten stars⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

  30. withdrawalfromreality May 25, 2016 at 10:23 am #

    Couldn’t quit laughing!

  31. Kristina Harman May 25, 2016 at 10:33 am #

    Beautiful written

  32. Kristina Harman May 25, 2016 at 10:33 am #

    …And hysterical:)

  33. Robynne Black May 25, 2016 at 10:45 am #

    Priceless. How did I get to 53 and not know this? And all those decades my husband was talking about his motorbike, I thought he was really talking about his motorbike. How obtuse and straightforward of me. Just love it!

  34. nehakdiary May 25, 2016 at 10:55 am #

    This is great, really…! 🙂 (y)

  35. captainsomewhere May 25, 2016 at 11:41 am #

    Wha…? What are you talking about?

  36. That enigmatic soul May 25, 2016 at 11:55 am #

    Hey, I’m new to WordPress and I feel so great about everything after reading this blog of yours. This was fun, and write pretty amazing.

  37. ItsMika May 25, 2016 at 12:03 pm #

    This is hilarious!

  38. SPDKM May 25, 2016 at 12:54 pm #

    Good to know….

  39. Anne Bonney May 25, 2016 at 1:09 pm #

    Great insights – I am sharing this . . .

  40. Deecee May 25, 2016 at 1:16 pm #

    So funny!!

  41. obrianspoetry May 25, 2016 at 1:31 pm #

    If i could have such honesty, i would never lie to my girlfriend just to see a smile on her face

  42. SJ Speechley May 25, 2016 at 1:47 pm #

    Reblogged this on SJS writing.

  43. theworldaccording2ellah May 25, 2016 at 1:57 pm #

    Wow, I am gonna dig deep into these posts, at my leisure. This is as near as I have found, I think, so far, to a blog ‘after my own heart’. More feedback later.

  44. SJ Speechley May 25, 2016 at 2:12 pm #

    This post is the definition of “it’s funny because it’s true”
    (not that it’s true now, that when writing classic literature this was the misogynistic logic that people actually used).

    ❤ this, and re-blogged!

  45. cadpaint May 25, 2016 at 3:46 pm #

    Omigosh I laughed soooooo hard at this!! Thanks for this, I paint and will now pay attention not to add these intentional stigmas!

  46. Tracy's Truth May 25, 2016 at 4:12 pm #

    I’m cracking up, absolutely love this. It’s so true and sadly it will never change. I love the way you crashed the code. Especially LOVE this quote, “It’s not because you crushed my spirit like an ant beneath your shapely foot.”

  47. lnjoyblog May 25, 2016 at 4:42 pm #

    I like the way you analyzed this- ha! They’re not getting anything past you. I need to be more like you…

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