Did you know that sometimes when it seems like men are writing or talking or singing about something, often it is actually about a lady? Sometimes it’s a chick they want to bang, and sometimes it’s about a chick they have previously banged and now have bad feelings about, and sometimes it’s about how women in general are fickle and treacherous. I mean, they’re SO fickle and treacherous that men can’t even straight up say “yo, I hate women” without a bunch of shrill females getting their bloomers in a bunch.
Men had to invent metaphors so that they could publicly trash-talk their exes and then be like “Haha what? Noooooo, this song isn’t about you. It’s about a literal venus flytrap plant that eats literal insects. It’s not because you crushed my spirit like an ant beneath your shapely foot.”
Men love metaphors because they make them feel smart and sneaky, even when they are in fact neither of those things.
If you were every wondering if a man made wrote or painted something about you but tried to pretend it was about something else entirely, then a) probably he did and b) here is a handy guide to dudes’ favourite symbology of ladies:
1. The Sea
The sea is a good metaphor for women because it’s always wrecking shit that men love – boats, expensive cargo, the lithe bodies of beautiful young sailors. The sea is dark and cold and salty as fuck, just like a woman’s heart. Ask any seasoned mariner, and he’ll tell you that storms out at sea can come out of nowhere – one minute the water is still as glass, the next minute the heavens have opened up and you’re about to be destroyed by a ten foot wave. And if that doesn’t sound like a woman, I don’t know what does!
Any song about a ship is actually about a woman. Especially if it’s about a ship that sinks. You’d better believe that sinking ships are metaphors for women. Everyone knows bitches are always going down and dragging their men with them.
3. Anything Maritime, Really
Pretty much all things ocean-related are metaphors for women. Scavenging seagulls are women. Hidden rocks that ships wreck themselves on are women. Icebergs are women. Sea monsters can be women, but only in specific circumstances. For example, if a sea monster has long tentacles that it uses to clasp ships to its slimy bosom, then it’s definitely a metaphor for women. But if a sea monster resembles a triassic era dinosaur or some kind of shark, it’s probably about men’s potent sexuality or some bullshit.
Speaking of sharks, sharks pretty much always represent men, unless it’s a story about a shark eating its young. Then the shark represents Mommy Issues.
4. The Moon
You might think the moon makes men think of women because of menstruation cycles or whatever, but you’d be wrong. Men use the moon as a metaphor for women because it changes shape and is “inconstant” and always wants the last fucking word in an argument, am I right?
Look, I don’t know who decided that cats are feminine and dogs are masculine, but someone did and that idea has stuck and now we all just have to live with it. Cats are moody and unaffectionate and enjoy hunting small prey, which frankly describes more men that I know than it does women, but whatever. Cats are metaphors for ladies.
Birds that are metaphors for women:
– humming birds
– anything sleek or pretty or shrill
– owls (but only if the author is describing the owls as spooky or weird)
Birds that are metaphors for men:
– birds of prey
– albatrosses, probably
– owls (but only if the author is describing their intelligence or hunting prowess)
I mean, they used to only ever named hurricanes after women. Because, again, women only exist to destroy everything you love.
8. Mines (Especially Diamond Mines)
Mines are dark and dangerous and liable to fill up with deadly gases at any moment – just like women. The further you go, the more likely they are to suffocate you – just like women. They take the best years of your life and leave you broken and penniless – just like women. Need I say more?
Any time a dude is waxing lyrical about soil or earth, you’d better believe he’s actually talking about a woman. Especially if he describes the soil as either “fertile” or “barren.” “Tilling” and “ploughing” are both euphemisms for sex, obviously. A “bad harvest” is when a woman friendzones or otherwise rejects a man. You’re welcome!
10. Sports Trophies
I don’t know, these probably represent women somehow.
11. Cars and Trucks
Vehicles are tricky, because sometimes they are stand-ins for a man’s sense of masculinity. But if a guy has a lot of gushy feelings about his pickup, he’s probably actually talking about a woman.
Flowering plants are women. Plants that happen to be deadly in some way are women. Anything with tendrils is a woman. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, that’s just how it is.
Fruit is feminine. Any kind of baked good is feminine. Seafood is feminine. Chocolate is feminine.
Spoiled food is feminine, because women are always spoiling things.