A List Of Things In Literature, Music and Art That Are Actually Metaphors For Women

17 May

Did you know that sometimes when it seems like men are writing or talking or singing about something, often it is actually about a lady? Sometimes it’s a chick they want to bang, and sometimes it’s about a chick they have previously banged and now have bad feelings about, and sometimes it’s about how women in general are fickle and treacherous. I mean, they’re SO fickle and treacherous that men can’t even straight up say “yo, I hate women” without a bunch of shrill females getting their bloomers in a bunch.

Men had to invent metaphors so that they could publicly trash-talk their exes and then be like “Haha what? Noooooo, this song isn’t about you. It’s about a literal venus flytrap plant that eats literal insects. It’s not because you crushed my spirit like an ant beneath your shapely foot.”

Men love metaphors because they make them feel smart and sneaky, even when they are in fact neither of those things.

If you were every wondering if a man made wrote or painted something about you but tried to pretend it was about something else entirely, then a) probably he did and b) here is a handy guide to dudes’ favourite symbology of ladies:

1. The Sea

The sea is a good metaphor for women because it’s always wrecking shit that men love – boats, expensive cargo, the lithe bodies of beautiful young sailors. The sea is dark and cold and salty as fuck, just like a woman’s heart. Ask any seasoned mariner, and he’ll tell you that storms out at sea can come out of nowhere – one minute the water is still as glass, the next minute the heavens have opened up and you’re about to be destroyed by a ten foot wave. And if that doesn’t sound like a woman, I don’t know what does!

2. Ships

Any song about a ship is actually about a woman. Especially if it’s about a ship that sinks. You’d better believe that sinking ships are metaphors for women. Everyone knows bitches are always going down and dragging their men with them.

3. Anything Maritime, Really

Pretty much all things ocean-related are metaphors for women. Scavenging seagulls are women. Hidden rocks that ships wreck themselves on are women. Icebergs are women. Sea monsters can be women, but only in specific circumstances. For example, if a sea monster has long tentacles that it uses to clasp ships to its slimy bosom, then it’s definitely a metaphor for women. But if a sea monster resembles a triassic era dinosaur or some kind of shark, it’s probably about men’s potent sexuality or some bullshit.

Speaking of sharks, sharks pretty much always represent men, unless it’s a story about a shark eating its young. Then the shark represents Mommy Issues.

4. The Moon

You might think the moon makes men think of women because of menstruation cycles or whatever, but you’d be wrong. Men use the moon as a metaphor for women because it changes shape and is “inconstant” and always wants the last fucking word in an argument, am I right?

5. Cats

Look, I don’t know who decided that cats are feminine and dogs are masculine, but someone did and that idea has stuck and now we all just have to live with it. Cats are moody and unaffectionate and enjoy hunting small prey, which frankly describes more men that I know than it does women, but whatever. Cats are metaphors for ladies.

6. Birds

Birds that are metaphors for women:
– swans
– humming birds
– sparrows
– starlings
– anything sleek or pretty or shrill
– owls (but only if the author is describing the owls as spooky or weird)

Birds that are metaphors for men:
– birds of prey
– albatrosses, probably
– pelicans
– owls (but only if the author is describing their intelligence or hunting prowess)

7. Storms

I mean, they used to only ever named hurricanes after women. Because, again, women only exist to destroy everything you love.

8. Mines (Especially Diamond Mines)

Mines are dark and dangerous and liable to fill up with deadly gases at any moment – just like women. The further you go, the more likely they are to suffocate you – just like women. They take the best years of your life and leave you broken and penniless – just like women. Need I say more?

9. Soil

Any time a dude is waxing lyrical about soil or earth, you’d better believe he’s actually talking about a woman. Especially if he describes the soil as either “fertile” or “barren.” “Tilling” and “ploughing” are both euphemisms for sex, obviously. A “bad harvest” is when a woman friendzones or otherwise rejects a man. You’re welcome!

10. Sports Trophies

I don’t know, these probably represent women somehow.

11. Cars and Trucks

Vehicles are tricky, because sometimes they are stand-ins for a man’s sense of masculinity. But if a guy has a lot of gushy feelings about his pickup, he’s probably actually talking about a woman.

12. Plants

Flowering plants are women. Plants that happen to be deadly in some way are women. Anything with tendrils is a woman. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, that’s just how it is.

13. Food

Fruit is feminine. Any kind of baked good is feminine. Seafood is feminine. Chocolate is feminine.

Spoiled food is feminine, because women are always spoiling things.

Kraken

196 Responses to “A List Of Things In Literature, Music and Art That Are Actually Metaphors For Women”

  1. ParallelLookingGlass May 29, 2016 at 6:51 pm #

    Awesome article!
    https://parallellookingglass.wordpress.com

  2. irisadvantagestudio May 29, 2016 at 7:43 pm #

    It’s pretty accurate😉

  3. caterpillar909 May 30, 2016 at 5:47 am #

    This is one of the most disturbing, yet hillarious truth I ever came about. But I bet women have some metaphors of their own concerning men…*smirk*

  4. mytherapistsaysimfunny May 30, 2016 at 11:58 am #

    I love this so much.

  5. Merry Lark May 30, 2016 at 3:15 pm #

    I laughed out loud all the way through; thanks so much!😀

  6. Nicholas Collins May 31, 2016 at 9:54 am #

    Sadly too true! Metaphors are supposed to shed new light on the transposed object, but unfortunately too often they’re taken as a truer representation of that object. Women’s representation no doubt suffers because of this …

  7. @theCourtofMVB May 31, 2016 at 6:22 pm #

    Truth! Hysterical! Very strong on the maritime takes.

  8. dredgehose June 1, 2016 at 6:35 am #

    woo….. It’s soooooo.. beautiful

  9. authentic writers June 1, 2016 at 8:26 pm #

    good piece

  10. Suhina14 June 2, 2016 at 7:15 am #

    😂😂makes sense! Love it!

  11. Suhina14 June 2, 2016 at 7:17 am #

    😂😂love it!!

  12. PD June 2, 2016 at 1:54 pm #

    Hysterical and thoroughly amusing!

  13. James Freitas June 3, 2016 at 12:49 am #

    This had me laughing out loud. Great stuff!

  14. Wilson June 3, 2016 at 2:31 am #

    This is great, and your dead on nailing the metaphors, the problem is I didn’t see where you pointed out the metaphors were faulty? eeek

  15. denisfeuerstein June 4, 2016 at 5:02 pm #

    Great – thanks for the list. But if you knew about japanese popculture, you would agree with me that the tentacle of the octopus stands for the male sex organ!

  16. SJ June 4, 2016 at 6:06 pm #

    Lovely 👌👌

    Youth is marked by lot of friends !🙂 I have wrote a poem : Friends A Blessing !🙂
    https://sjoshifollowyourpassion.wordpress.com/2016/06/04/friends-a-blessing/

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  17. jhazminaburana June 4, 2016 at 9:55 pm #

    nice!

  18. thecreativeartsblog June 6, 2016 at 1:37 pm #

    If this is actually true I believe it’s a little extreme. It was a good read though.

  19. wazirnama June 9, 2016 at 4:14 pm #

    A smart observation ! And we’ll written !

  20. revengestar June 14, 2016 at 10:07 pm #

    the sea and the soil is a metaphor for women. I am not convinced.

  21. thepoweroffeelings June 16, 2016 at 1:38 pm #

    Great concept here! Given me a lot of inspiration so thank you

  22. thepoweroffeelings June 16, 2016 at 1:38 pm #

    Great concept! You’ve given me much inspiration. X

  23. Tamaratravels June 18, 2016 at 5:11 pm #

    I loved this article! And the way you write is so enjoyable! Keep going!👍🏽 how did you get the idea for this article?
    All the best and a wonderful weekend:)
    http://www.thecatastrophyoftravelling.com

  24. lazypoet June 19, 2016 at 11:32 am #

    Funny and interesting at the same time. Pls check out my piece on the beauty of a lady https://lazypoet.me

  25. Heretic June 20, 2016 at 10:40 pm #

    Reblogged this on Fools that men adore.

  26. Nsuob3y3buoden June 22, 2016 at 3:01 pm #

    haha..definitely true… the metaphors and men thinking they are smart by doing that. Good one there

  27. Angela July 5, 2016 at 10:55 pm #

    Hi, Nice post thanks for sharing. Would you please consider adding a link to my website on your page. Please email me back.

    Thanks!
    Angela
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  28. sixfootjew July 6, 2016 at 3:30 am #

    This is great

  29. Jon July 27, 2016 at 9:59 am #

    The vase is also a usual metaphor for a woman

  30. Inderpreet kaur July 31, 2016 at 11:54 am #

    great thoughts! women can still not be banged if she choose to be one like celie (The color purple, Alice walker)

  31. little white desk writings August 3, 2016 at 11:10 pm #

    Best thing I’ve read today. I wish my students would understand the “simplicity” behind metaphors sometimes. I like to laugh at their reasonings. I am going to keep this.🙂

  32. Amber MV August 17, 2016 at 3:23 am #

    The beasts and urges of the earth are female. Proudly. Felines, storms, the sea and the pull of the moon– all creatures that men grapple to come to terms with, forces that exist outside their ability to fully dominate or understand. And so men must turn to the large beings to express the hugeness of what they themselves crave, and what they have lacked by pushing away from.

  33. Aria August 28, 2016 at 7:37 pm #

    Loved it!

  34. thefirstdark September 24, 2016 at 4:32 am #

    Reblogged this on ReBirth: The Pursuit of Porsha.

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