A List Of Things In Literature, Music and Art That Are Actually Metaphors For Women

17 May

Did you know that sometimes when it seems like men are writing or talking or singing about something, often it is actually about a lady? Sometimes it’s a chick they want to bang, and sometimes it’s about a chick they have previously banged and now have bad feelings about, and sometimes it’s about how women in general are fickle and treacherous. I mean, they’re SO fickle and treacherous that men can’t even straight up say “yo, I hate women” without a bunch of shrill females getting their bloomers in a bunch.

Men had to invent metaphors so that they could publicly trash-talk their exes and then be like “Haha what? Noooooo, this song isn’t about you. It’s about a literal venus flytrap plant that eats literal insects. It’s not because you crushed my spirit like an ant beneath your shapely foot.”

Men love metaphors because they make them feel smart and sneaky, even when they are in fact neither of those things.

If you were every wondering if a man made wrote or painted something about you but tried to pretend it was about something else entirely, then a) probably he did and b) here is a handy guide to dudes’ favourite symbology of ladies:

1. The Sea

The sea is a good metaphor for women because it’s always wrecking shit that men love – boats, expensive cargo, the lithe bodies of beautiful young sailors. The sea is dark and cold and salty as fuck, just like a woman’s heart. Ask any seasoned mariner, and he’ll tell you that storms out at sea can come out of nowhere – one minute the water is still as glass, the next minute the heavens have opened up and you’re about to be destroyed by a ten foot wave. And if that doesn’t sound like a woman, I don’t know what does!

2. Ships

Any song about a ship is actually about a woman. Especially if it’s about a ship that sinks. You’d better believe that sinking ships are metaphors for women. Everyone knows bitches are always going down and dragging their men with them.

3. Anything Maritime, Really

Pretty much all things ocean-related are metaphors for women. Scavenging seagulls are women. Hidden rocks that ships wreck themselves on are women. Icebergs are women. Sea monsters can be women, but only in specific circumstances. For example, if a sea monster has long tentacles that it uses to clasp ships to its slimy bosom, then it’s definitely a metaphor for women. But if a sea monster resembles a triassic era dinosaur or some kind of shark, it’s probably about men’s potent sexuality or some bullshit.

Speaking of sharks, sharks pretty much always represent men, unless it’s a story about a shark eating its young. Then the shark represents Mommy Issues.

4. The Moon

You might think the moon makes men think of women because of menstruation cycles or whatever, but you’d be wrong. Men use the moon as a metaphor for women because it changes shape and is “inconstant” and always wants the last fucking word in an argument, am I right?

5. Cats

Look, I don’t know who decided that cats are feminine and dogs are masculine, but someone did and that idea has stuck and now we all just have to live with it. Cats are moody and unaffectionate and enjoy hunting small prey, which frankly describes more men that I know than it does women, but whatever. Cats are metaphors for ladies.

6. Birds

Birds that are metaphors for women:
– swans
– humming birds
– sparrows
– starlings
– anything sleek or pretty or shrill
– owls (but only if the author is describing the owls as spooky or weird)

Birds that are metaphors for men:
– birds of prey
– albatrosses, probably
– pelicans
– owls (but only if the author is describing their intelligence or hunting prowess)

7. Storms

I mean, they used to only ever named hurricanes after women. Because, again, women only exist to destroy everything you love.

8. Mines (Especially Diamond Mines)

Mines are dark and dangerous and liable to fill up with deadly gases at any moment – just like women. The further you go, the more likely they are to suffocate you – just like women. They take the best years of your life and leave you broken and penniless – just like women. Need I say more?

9. Soil

Any time a dude is waxing lyrical about soil or earth, you’d better believe he’s actually talking about a woman. Especially if he describes the soil as either “fertile” or “barren.” “Tilling” and “ploughing” are both euphemisms for sex, obviously. A “bad harvest” is when a woman friendzones or otherwise rejects a man. You’re welcome!

10. Sports Trophies

I don’t know, these probably represent women somehow.

11. Cars and Trucks

Vehicles are tricky, because sometimes they are stand-ins for a man’s sense of masculinity. But if a guy has a lot of gushy feelings about his pickup, he’s probably actually talking about a woman.

12. Plants

Flowering plants are women. Plants that happen to be deadly in some way are women. Anything with tendrils is a woman. Sorry, I don’t make the rules, that’s just how it is.

13. Food

Fruit is feminine. Any kind of baked good is feminine. Seafood is feminine. Chocolate is feminine.

Spoiled food is feminine, because women are always spoiling things.

Kraken

42 Responses to “A List Of Things In Literature, Music and Art That Are Actually Metaphors For Women”

  1. Mr. Militant Negro May 17, 2016 at 1:56 am #

    Reblogged this on The Militant Negro™.

  2. Catherine Durnford-Wang May 17, 2016 at 2:06 am #

    Hysterical. Great concept

  3. donesoverydone May 17, 2016 at 2:09 am #

    Reblogged this on things I've read or intend to.

  4. Miep May 17, 2016 at 2:21 am #

    Reblogged this on There Are So Many Things Wrong With This.

  5. aqilaqamar May 17, 2016 at 2:40 am #

    Reblogged this on Iconography ♠ Incomplete.

  6. Asha Maria May 17, 2016 at 5:02 am #

    😂😂😂 the best. As an recovering chronic dater of poets, sculptors and painters I feel this so much. I am not a metaphor fellas. Which is usually the problem. Now dating a scientist. The worst analogies he makes are ecstatic kitchen related chemistry comments.

    • silverapplequeen May 17, 2016 at 9:21 am #

      The bit about cats being feminine & dogs being masculine is curious, only because English does not have feminine and masculine nouns like other languages, yet in other languages, cats are always feminine (La chatte in French, die Katz in German) & dogs are always masculine (der Hund in German, il cane in Italian). This issue of cats & dogs/female & male could be a blog post in itself.

      Personally, my cats are male & my dogs are female. But I have friends who always address my cats as “she” & my dogs as “he”. It’s very strange.

      • Phipps May 17, 2016 at 1:43 pm #

        “Une chatte” is only used for a specifically female cat. More usual is “un chat” – a male cat or cat of unknown sex🙂

      • Patrick Johanneson May 17, 2016 at 1:57 pm #

        […] in other languages, cats are always feminine (La chatte in French[…]) & dogs are always masculine […]

        Uh, no. In French, “chat” denotes a male cat and “chatte” denotes a female cat. Similarlly, “chien” and “chienne” denote male and female dogs.

        (Source: 9 years of French Immersion schooling.)

      • Carl May 18, 2016 at 1:10 am #

        Cats are careful; dogs are clumsy?

  7. Barbara May 17, 2016 at 9:41 am #

    I enjoyed this very much. Thank you.

  8. Jennifer K May 17, 2016 at 12:05 pm #

    I needed a chuckle this morning!

  9. Chris May 17, 2016 at 12:06 pm #

    This is the best thing I’ve read on the web this year, funny *and* true! Love it =)

  10. vishalbheeroo May 18, 2016 at 10:16 am #

    An amazing post and there are certain reference I was not aware of. A fun post:)

  11. Zeannaroux May 18, 2016 at 12:07 pm #

    Lol some of these made me sad with how true they are. Others made me realize that all I do is listen to Disney and anything toddler related and it can still be fed up

  12. samah mariam May 18, 2016 at 1:07 pm #

    Nailed it.

  13. nebulaflash May 18, 2016 at 5:56 pm #

    Reblogged this on groundhognews and commented:
    Things you need to know …

  14. Angela Maree Barnett May 23, 2016 at 11:30 am #

    Ha ha. And volcanoes! Because, you know, they blow up randomly, destroy everything in their path and go from a perfect cone to dormant.

  15. Stuart M. Perkins May 24, 2016 at 3:39 pm #

    Loved it! Ha!

  16. annietretyak May 24, 2016 at 6:24 pm #

    love it and it’s creepy of how the octopus or squid is holding the boat so that the boat couldn’t move

  17. kirizar May 24, 2016 at 6:25 pm #

    There has to be a corollary post in the making in which you find the ways in which women enumerate a man’s flaws in poetic terms. Post…dissertation…12-volume encyclopedia…

  18. Adapt Fitness May 24, 2016 at 6:31 pm #

    Interesting. The thought process is an amazing thing, but to motivate others by opening up their minds and taking in another view, that’s special. Well done.

  19. George F. May 24, 2016 at 6:37 pm #

    You’re a genius! I’m not!

  20. felicityworthington May 24, 2016 at 6:49 pm #

    This is one of the most brilliant, hilarious pieces I’ve read in a long time. Pure genius. Thank you so much for this piece and for not holding anything back.

  21. mj May 24, 2016 at 6:50 pm #

    Love it….lovely!I

  22. hyruleanhyroe May 24, 2016 at 6:53 pm #

    Beautiful. Brings a tear to my eye.

  23. Darren May 24, 2016 at 6:58 pm #

    Loved this 😀😂

  24. brianbalke May 24, 2016 at 7:09 pm #

    Damn! You found us out! Even worse, now you can use this list to figure out what we’re really talking about when we write about women!

  25. sugarmagnolia40 May 24, 2016 at 7:53 pm #

    Love!!!

  26. thesmilingpilgrim May 24, 2016 at 7:58 pm #

    The first sentence under sea started to make me laugh like hell lol!

  27. buildingdiversebookshelves May 24, 2016 at 8:16 pm #

    Yesssss

  28. depaysement325 May 24, 2016 at 9:11 pm #

    Reblogged this on How to Mess Up Your Twenties.

  29. arjunacontent May 24, 2016 at 10:36 pm #

    Woah! *realisation realisation* I laughed while reading this! Actually true now that I’m thinking about it…

  30. nocteangelus May 24, 2016 at 11:21 pm #

    This is amazing ! Laughed my heart out

  31. michaelkubly May 25, 2016 at 12:14 am #

    I enjoy this…

  32. slizzysimmons May 25, 2016 at 12:31 am #

    Hahahahahaha!!!! Omg I was laughing my face off when reading this. Had everyone looking at me like: “ookaayy then???” 😂😂😂😂 good one love. Good one

  33. boisterousbrunette May 26, 2016 at 7:36 pm #

    This stuff is hilarious!! And the metaphors are so so true. Maybe there comes a day when women are referred about only through metaphors and when you say ‘woman’, a woman will be like “are you talking to me?!”

  34. martin845 May 26, 2016 at 8:53 pm #

    Thank you for that window on metaphor. I was unable to tell whether the post was by a man or a woman.

  35. Wilson June 3, 2016 at 2:31 am #

    This is great, and your dead on nailing the metaphors, the problem is I didn’t see where you pointed out the metaphors were faulty? eeek

  36. Heretic June 20, 2016 at 10:40 pm #

    Reblogged this on Fools that men adore.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] Source: A List Of Things In Literature, Music and Art That Are Actually Metaphors For Women […]

  2. Liebster Award – Liz Escape - May 26, 2016

    […] was was nominated by this awesome blogger from peaceamble (thanks Kate! Woot! Woot!) for the Liebster Award (you should check her out). To be honest with you […]

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