I Was Fifty One Percent Bitch, In Case You Were Wondering

So there’s this quiz that I’ve seen circulating on my Facebook feed. It’s charmingly titled “How Bitchy Are You?” and features a series of questions meant to determine your bitchiness quotient (presented in the form of a percentage, so, I mean, SCIENCE).

And like I just want to straight up say that I’m all for marginalized groups reclaiming slurs as their own. I’m so down with that! If a woman wants to call herself a bitch, that’s cool. I personally am trying to back away from using the word bitch for various reasons, but I’m not going to police other women for using it, especially when they’re applying it to themselves in what they feel is a positive manner.

BUT (for reals don’t pretend you didn’t know there was a but coming). BUT. Let’s take a look-see shall we at the ways in which the quiz quantifies bitchiness. Let’s ALSO talk a little bit about how these behaviours would be perceived if we saw them being acted out by men.

I’m preeeetty sympathetic to telemarketers because back in ye olde days when I was still in university, I worked in this weird little basement call centre where we would try to convince alumni to donate us more money. So in general I try to be pretty kind and patient when dealing with people trying to sell me shit over the phone. But for reals some of them can be really hard to get rid of, even once you’ve politely declined their offer. So I don’t think that getting a bit forceful while trying to get a telemarketer off the phone is being bitchy.

If a dude did this, we would call him assertive.

You mean, have I ever disciplined a pet because, FOR EXAMPLE, they wantonly peed on my favourite black wool coat? Yes. Yes I have done that. As my mother likes to say, disciplining your child (or in this case a pet) is a form of loving them. If I just let these things slide, my cat would pee all over everything that I love and then shred my couch. So yeah, I will totally let a pet know if their behaviour is out of line.

If a dude did this? Like if he told his dog not to jump all over you? You would call him a good pet owner.

OH YOU COMPLAINED ABOUT TRAFFIC? GAWD, YOU BITCH.

If a dude did this it would be called “making conversation.”

Heaven forbid you expect timely service at a place where you are PAYING TO BE SERVED FOOD. And let’s be real, I am all about treating people in the service industry well because I know from personal experience that they get crap thrown at them all the time. But, like, expecting a server to come check on you after they’ve given you the menu and left you alone for a period of time? That is not outside the realm of appropriate expectations.

If a dude went to talk to the manager in order to speed things up and ease the hangry pains his table-mates are experiencing, he would be hailed as a FOOD HERO.

Yeah, teaching your kid that it’s fine to be pushed around by others because “life isn’t fair” is totally legit. Sometimes you’ll get bullied, kid, because life just isn’t fair and pretty much you should just be a doormat and let people treat you however they want. Also talk about betraying your kids’ trust – as a parent you are there to make your kid feel safe as they figure out how to navigate this fucked up thing we call “life.” Teaching them that sometimes other kids are going to treat them badly and you’ll just stand there and do nothing is a really awful message to send them.

If a dude stood up for his kid at the playground, he would be hailed as King of the Dads.

This is the one that really makes me see red. Because, you know, nothing says “bitch” like setting boundaries with strangers WHILE YOU ARE CLEARLY OCCUPIED WITH YOUR PHONE. Seriously, though, it says a LOT about our society that a woman is bitchy if she isn’t willing to stop what she’s doing and fake interest in a boring conversation with a stranger.

Also, what is up with people – DUDES SPECIFICALLY – who think it’s cool to interrupt a woman while her attention is happily engaged elsewhere? I can’t even count the number of times dudes have interrupted me while I’m reading in some public place to strike up a conversation with me. LIKE, DO YOU NOT SEE MY BOOK. I AM READING THIS BOOK. IT IS AN ACTIVITY THAT I ENJOY, WHICH IS WHY I’M DOING IT. IF I WANTED TO HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH STRANGE DUDES I’M SURE I COULD ARRANGE THAT ON MY OWN. But no, women obviously only ever read books as a way to lure men. Actually, state secret: women can’t even really read. We just stare at the words and pretend to be smart in hopes that some man will walk by and decide we’re baby-making material.

Also, if a dude did this, he would again be called assertive and if the stranger was a woman everyone would roll their eyes over how pathetic and needy she was.

NO, DON’T CALMLY TELL SOMEONE “EXCUSE ME THERE IS A LINE.” THAT IS TOO BITCHY. JUST LET PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER YOU. A WOMAN SHOULD ALWAYS BE PASSIVE AND SWEET AND LET EVERYONE ELSE DO WHATEVER THEY WANT. IN FACT, SPEAKING OF WANTS, A WOMAN SHOULD NEVER HAVE THEM UNLESS THEY’RE SOMETHING LIKE “I WANT TO MAKE MY HUSBAND A STEAK AND THEN GIVE HIM A BLOWJOB.” THAT IS THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE WANT FOR A WOMAN TO HAVE.

If a dude did this, everyone else in the line would thank him for saving them from entitled jerks who cut into lines.

Look. Bitch is an oppressive term that’s used to silence and belittle women. It’s a word used to gaslight women who dare to stand up for themselves. It’s one thing to say, “haha yeah I’m a tough bitch and I love it,” and totally another to say that a woman (and let’s just be clear here, this quiz is obviously aimed at women and I’ve only seen women sharing it) who doesn’t want to engage in conversation with boring strangers at the airport is a bitch. And I guess a lot of the people sharing this quiz think it’s cute to be like, “aw yeah look at me I’m 63% bitch,” but the fact is that this quiz says some pretty shitty things about how women are expected to behave.

So if you want to call yourself a bitch, then go ahead and own that shit. But let’s seriously think about the ways that this word impacts other women. Because it’s one thing to embrace the word for yourself, and a whole other ballgame when you start perpetuating shit that calls women bitchy for complaining about traffic.

Tags: bitch, down with the patriarchy, feminism!, I like to rant, the internet is the worst, women, WORDS MATTER