Sometimes I feel like I want to ban the word sexy. Like, take that shit out of the dictionary and impose a fine whenever someone uses it.
Which is pretty funny because I’m super sex-positive and I definitely want people to feel good about their bodies and secure in their sexuality, however it manifests itself.
But man am I ever fucking tired of how we use that word to shame girls and sell them on a bunch of gross patriarchal ideas about how they should be.
Take this picture, which was tweeted/posted by Floyd Mayweather and has been making the rounds over the past few days:
Like, first of all, this is a dude who has been charged with two counts of domestic violence. Why would anybody think that what he has to say about women is even a little bit valid? I am not really down with anyone advising women on ways to dress or behave in order to meant specifically please men, but I am double-plus definitely one hundred percent not down with someone who hits women telling women how to behave. Talk about classic abusive behaviour. It’s impossible to get anything out of this other than, “Maybe if those women had dressed better and been quieter and more ladylike I wouldn’t have had to hit them.” I guess that according to him, they were asking to be disrespected. This whole post is basically an apologia for abuse.
Second of all, women aren’t fucking products that are trying to advertise themselves. They are for-real people who get to dress however they want. I can’t believe that I have to say this, but: The way I dress is not a fucking advertisement, it is some clothes that I put on my body because they make me feel good.
Third of all, no, how I’m addressed does not, in fact, depend on my attire. It depends on those addressing me recognizing that I am actually a person and that alone makes me deserving of their respect. Can we please stop putting the onus on women when it comes to respect? It’s not up to us to gain men’s respect – it’s up to men to recognize our personhood and stop throwing out ultimatums on when they will or won’t respect us.
Saying that respect is conditional on how you dress or behave means that respect can be revoked at any time, based on some arbitrary decision about what crosses the line from ladylike to slutty. It’s putting the power right back in the hands of the oppressor and it literally does no good whatsoever.
Speaking of respect, this morning I came across this lovely tweet, which describes a sentiment that I hear far too often:
You know what looks really hot on you girl? Self respect.
— Darrin B (@dbedalberta) June 9, 2014
You know what’s the best way to make a girl feel like she’s respected? Shame her for what she’s wearing!
Like, seriously, allow me to demonstrate how much respect I have for myself by flipping this dude off forever. Because fuck him for trying to control women under the guise of concern. Fuck him for making women feel less-than under the pretence of trying to build up their “self-respect.” Fuck him for implying that the only reason women might want to be self-respecting is so that they can be more attractive to men.
See, here’s the thing: while all of these posts seem to say that women who dress modestly and behave nicely and are self-confident are totally more attractive than any other women, what they’re really saying is, “being sexy is the most important thing for you to be, and please allow me to define what sexy is.” It is not even a little bit empowering to tell women that being modest is sexy; it’s just reinforcing the idea that we only exist to please men and that we should dress and act however they want. It’s saying that being attractive to men is the best and most wonderful thing that women can aspire to. It’s exactly the same shit we’ve been sold all of our lives, only re-packaged as obnoxious concern-trolling about women’s self-confidence.
Fuck. That.
If you really want to empower women, why don’t you try to build up their self-esteem instead of lecturing them on all the ways you think that they’re failing? Instead of telling them that no one will respect them based on the way they dress, why not instead list all the things that you value about them – that they’re funny, smart, capable and brave. Literally no one ever will gain confidence by being criticized for their appearance. No one will gain “self-respect” by having someone else list all of the ways that they’re lacking in that department. And, like, hell yes I want women to feel like they are worth more than their appearance. No one wants that more than me. But how in the fuck do you think you are making women believe than they have more value than just being pretty when your whole message hinges on what is and isn’t sexy?
Fuck sexy.
Fuck telling women how to be sexy.
Fuck “confidence is sexy,” because shaming women for not being confident enough will achieve the opposite of what you apparently want.
And while we’re at it, fuck Consent Is Sexy. Fuck the idea that we need to sell consent to kids by making it all shiny and pretty and “sexy.” People shouldn’t have consensual sex because it’s waaaaay hotter than other kinds of sex – people should have consensual sex because otherwise they are rapists. Consent isn’t a fun new thing that you should try out in the bedroom; it’s the way you should be living your life, all day every day. Consent is not sexy – it’s a human right.
So fuck “sexy” being used as a marketing tool. Fuck dudes who want to control how women behave. Fuck all the not-so-cleverly-disguised ways the patriarchy asserts itself. Fuck the idea that women only ever dress in a certain way to attract men. Fuck. That. Noise.
And to any women reading this, I want you to know that it’s great to feel sexy, whatever that word means to you. It’s even great to dress in a way that you think other people might find attractive – that’s a very normal thing to want to do. We dress in ways that our partners find attractive because it makes us happy to make our partners happy, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with wanting sexual attention from other people, and dressing “sexy” is for sure a tried-tested-and-true way of achieving that. It’s good to feel sexy. Seriously. But I also want you to know that it’s not required. I want you to know that you don’t have to feel or be sexy, and that sexy isn’t the be-all-and-end-all of what you should accomplish. And I want you to know that you are funny and smart and capable and brave. Because you really, really are.
The Belle Jar 
Damn, well fucking said.
You are fucking glorious. I wish that I had you with me always so that when I try to explain why I’m offended or incensed and get flustered (debate was never my strong suit) I can just say “hey take it away!”
Oh wait..I kinda can! Thank you iPhone! Thank you internet!
Awesome.
I get super flustered in person too! I’m much better when I can get my thoughts out in print 🙂
I didn’t even click on “consent is sexy” I don’t even want to hear it. Your analysis is excellent as usual. On the chalkboard message that inspired you … simply meme in – signed the Taliban.
You so rocked this. You so rock! I have a 14 year-old daughter, who is trying to figure all this shit out. I’m going to show this to her tonight. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I think I understand what you mean. I use the word sexy at times, I always thought it was a good sex-positive adjective, flattering, appropriate when I said it.
It seems to have been taken up by sexist elements, ironically or something. Often times what is ironic at first becomes cliche soon after. Perhaps you can take it back again, or perhaps the term is ruined forever.
The consent is sexy thing is also definitely using the word wrong, cause yeah consent and rape are serious things and it’s totally being trivialized by saying just sexy. That whole marketing campaign is obviously fucking stupid.
YES!!! You nailed it again, girl. Well put. You give me hope for the human race.
Thanks! That T-shirt said it all – I want to get one for my daughters! (Do you sell them?)
I’m on board with this any day of the year, but especially today, after a male coworker told me I looked pregnant in my new dress. Fuck your beauty standards and how you think I should look. I’ll look how I feel most comfortable and pretty!
What an ass! What gave him the right to blurt out such absurdity? Did you ask him how you looked in the dress? That was super inappropriate.
No, I didn’t ask him. He just came up and said so. We were friendly and talking and teasing a lot, so I thought he was teasing me, but he was completely serious. It was really upsetting and now we no longer talk.
I think the problem with men defining how women dress and calling it sexy, or not, or whatever, is that it places the burden of how a woman should be treated back on her shoulders. And women should be treated well because they (like every other person) have a right to have their dignity, humanity and personhood valued, no matter what they wear. And this is how it should be.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you a million times thank you, and I’m so glad I get these posts in my inbox. Much love and gratitude.
I love your attitude. I greatly admire your message and I hope that someday “Sexy” is put in it’s proper place. Women deserve better.
You cover a lot of material here…no pun intended! While I agree with the principles and ideals you have, the truth is that clothing does affect perceptions. The same goes for men by the way. There’s the power suit, a man in uniform, the hoodie, etc. Whether man or woman, and no matter the costume, maybe the first thing to do is catch ourselves in that perceptual trap?
None of the male clothing options result in him being told that he is *asking* to be disrespected, nor is he told that he’s *asking* to have his bodily autonomy taken away because of the way he’s dressed.
He is also *much* more likely to be told that he has value for his intelligence or strength or any number of things besides his sexual attractiveness, while women are nearly always judged to by their sexual attractiveness. Women are told, over and over, by our culture, that our attractiveness is the only thing that matters.
Actually… I remember a few years ago working in an English college (Further Education, 16+) which managed to combine motor mechanics and construction study areas with a fine art study area. One (art student) kid got his face punched in by one of the coverall-wearers (who all manage to look exactly the same whether in work or ‘casual’ dress) because the thug decided he was ‘gay’. I sometimes favor an ankle length leather duster coat and a soft-leather fold-away Bramah hat. You think I can wear that without getting sneered at, having ‘cowboy’ or ‘Indiana Jones’ jokes made at my expense? And should I get beaten up whilst unconventionally dressed, don’t – please – imagine that my costume would have no bearing on the subsequent inquest and apportioning of blame. It is not the same, but it is less different than you may think.
@rvrainment (i reached nesting limit, so I’m just replying to myself & hoping you’ll see) —
Fair point. I do think, though, that the original post stands, as the particular enforcement of “modesty/sexiness” is drastically different for men than women, and thus needs to be looked at as a gendered element. The person I was teplying to seemed to believe that this was a lack on the part of the post, and that what the post discusses is the same for everyone.
Bullshit! They absolutely do! Clothing determines how people perceive you. Trayvon-fucking-Martin for Christ’s sake. Man or woman, how we are perceived in the world depends on our clothing. You think a man in rags is treated with the same respect as a man in a suit? That should he be beat no one will claim he “asked for” it because he looked like “some criminal hoodlum”? You think the man who shows up to a job interview in a dirty tank top is going to get the same respect as the man in a clean dress shirt and tie? And in some cases it’s accurate. Showing up to a job interview in dirty clothes suggests that you care less about yourself than the other applicants. Doesn’t make it right, but it being wrong doesn’t make it any less real.
Exactly Lawrence – the same rule applies to all.
Thanks Jessica – not sure what those rules are these days. Just being a decent human being shouldn’t be so hard.
There’s a summer camp which forbids all comments about appearance, good or bad. http://www.today.com/parents/summer-camp-enforces-one-awesome-rule-make-kids-feel-better-2D79610755
It is one thing to share one’s personal beliefs and attitudes. It is another thing entirely to tell that other person how to think and behave. There is too much telling in this world. And not enough sharing and respecting. Great post. Listening and beginning to understand other people and other ways is sadly underrated these days.
PREACH! lol loved this post.
I rarely reblog, but this one touched a pain point. Kudos for verbalizing what I have felt for so many years. You’re awesome.
Amen.
I see the “consent is sexy” slogan/campaign as a direct counter to opponents who mock affirmative consent as UN-sexy. People who seem to think that “getting consent” means sounding like a robot lawyer. (Stop all contact. Ask “may I touch your left breast.” Stop. Ask, “may I touch the right one also.” Stop “May I increase pressure.” Stop.)
I have seen plenty of people say that demanding that people give clear, affirmative, consent is going to RUIN THE MOOD and KILL ALL THE BONERZZZ. As if it were too ridiculous an idea to expect real people to enact.
I like “consent is sexy” slogan as a way to re-script sex, and provide people with positive examples of how it can be done, as a way to combat the negative scripts.
(I’m ripping off The Pevocracy a lot here, you can read their post about different scripts here :http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/01/rescripting-sex.html WARNING the site is often NSFW.)
As an older Lady I would like to add that it was worse when I was young. I am glad a lot has changed and now younger women finally speak up and say what we all feel. Feeling “sexy” has nothing to do with clothes, neither do I “allow” everybody to think about me to be “sexy”, that is reserved for the special one in my life…my husband. I really couldn’t speak up loud when I was young, mainly because there was nobody who would have listened, but I learned to “kill” with just one look. I remember a coworker who was disrespectful to me as well as to any other woman in the office. He always had trashy remarks and treated us like we would have been sex objects only. One day there was a conference call. He asked me, with everybody else listening “what are you wearing” and I must have had a very good day, because I answered very quickly. “Don’t ask, you are not classy enough you couldn’t handle it”. The laughter was on my side. Needless to say he hated me, but he was more careful around me. Sorry for the novel, thank you for your post.
Oh, that wasn’t a novel..! You should see the MRAs when they show up. (After all, without an audience of their own, they have to come here)
But in all serious, I would have *loved* to see his reaction when you said that. There’s no schadenfreude quite like somebody offensive comment getting shut down.
“Consent is sexy” is creepy beyond belief. As someone who tried to avoid domestic violence by changing the way I behaved, dressed and spoke I can assure people across the globe that it will not matter one bit. They all still hit an degrade you and no amount of subordination will appease someone who hold you in great contempt due to you gender. I agree, Fuck Sexy.
Thank you. Modifying behavior, dress, attitude, whatever will not matter to an abuser.
People like you seem to think all men are abusers. Do you think women are incapable of violence?
Do you understand the root of the word “sexy”? It means appealing to the other sex. If you think you live ” sexy,” then you’re just confident. Being attractive (sexy) makes you feel confident, and you’ve internalized that to the point where you need to feel attractive just to function normally.
#killallmen
#killallwomen
If you refuse to publish this comment then you’re just perpetuating the type of closed-door oppression you yourself hate so much.
This is stupendous. Oh my gosh. You just totally opened my eyes to problems I had never thought about with your point on the confidence quote. Also this – “People shouldn’t have consensual sex because it’s waaaaay hotter than other kinds of sex – people should have consensual sex because otherwise they are rapists.” Yes. Just yes.
Also, grass is green. Can I get applause too?
This was so great – well said!
Awesome rant, but what seriously gets me is that the examples presented speak of one gender and omits the other. WTF??? Don’t the same rules apply to men?
Yes. Thank you.
I really hate the ‘consent is sexy’ campaign, it’s so patronising and using sexiness to sell being a decent human being.
Sexy is integral to who I am. It is in how I dress, walk, talk, converse, create, feel, touch, see, taste, write, rebel, surrender, conquer, decorate and denude myself; it is in how I reveal, hide and explore. It is all of that and more. Sexy. Rocks.
damned fucking amen too that !!!
So needed to hear this right now. This is a brilliant piece. It is so hard to be how YOU want to be, for yourself, when all we are ever told is how to be for other people. And those people think it is their right to impose what they think we should be upon us. How about take me as I am or go and get stuffed.
Bravo! Fuck Sexy! I don’t wear makeup to work so I will be as unattractive as possible. I’m overweight because I stuff and feed my feelings. I wear sexy lingerie under my scrubs because I get tired of the androgeny of unisex surgical scrubs. I encourage my 14 yo daughter to be herself and be confident in her skin every day. I let my 3 yo granddaughter play with whichever toys strike her fancy or fuel her imagination. I was abused as a child. I didn’t seduce my offender. I was raped more than once as a teen. It was about control not sex or love. My daughter is 14 and is still innocent. She untouched by sexual violence. I pray she stays that way. I am trying to break the cycle in our family.
So true!
But I really know a lot of girls and women, who say they dress not for themselves oder their “good feeling”… They say they want to be liked and appriciated by their male mates or even strangers in clubs or bars. That’s sad and makes me aggressive!! Because they think they know HOW they will be seen by males… And they still are sure about their “sexyness without sluttyness”. This whole dichotomy sucks and is sooo far from reality and real experience!
Your text is a GOOD step forward and should be read not only by women or activists but by heteronormative androcentric men, too!!
❤ from germany and russia
amazing point of view! well put!
As I have written elsewhere I am a little uncomfortable with the ‘dressing’ debate. We each feel that we dress for ‘ourselves’ yet, in doing so, we are, I believe, dressing for an externalized other. Our self image depends very much on what we believe others see, to the extent that it can be used as a weapon against us. “Does my bum look big in this?” is a question that tells us more than people realize.
In truth, of course, no state of dress or undress justifies non-consensual contact or invasion of any kind. No intelligent human being, no honest human being, can deny this.
Fact is, too, that in particular societies there are men who rape women whom they have never seen without a bhurka, whose eyes they have never seen other than behind a veil or a net of fabric. And in those societies, by and large, the lot of women is even poorer than our own.
The enemy of all of us, I guess, is thousands of years of patriarchy and the unity of Abrahamic religions in blaming women for the punishment of humanity. It is challenging these patriarchal, silly, trivial, simply evil perceptions that matters. I wish you well for being part of the challenge.
Well said!! I recall a recent event: I was at a party wearing a short skirt and thin black thights. A colleague of mine touched my butt under my skirt and when I (repeatedly) told (I think ‘told’ isn’t the right word) him that I wasn’t ok with that (WHO the hell would?!) another colleague overheard that and they started talking about my skirt. As if I provoked it. I could be naked and still have the right that nobody touches me without me actually wanting them to.
This sucks on so many levels.
Agree 100 fucking percent!
Boring.
I’m having a reaction to you – you’re welcome.
Are you saying that you don’t understand what the attention economy is? Amazing that the scarcity of time is a concept some people still don’t understand. You should really educate yourself before speaking, it embarrasses your cause.
You are using phrases you don’t understand to try and make yourself sound smarter than you really are. But, see, the internet is filled with people who know what those words mean, and who are infinitely smarter than you.
/You/ are embarrassing yourself. Stop.
Yes, the phrase ‘infinitely smarter’ really drives your point home. I guess I should expect a feminist thread to value who is speaking over what is being said.
How about instead of insulting people for being of what you perceive as inferior intelligence, you take the time to actually explain what you mean and why the “attention economy” is relevant to this essay? Did you want to provide a contrary perspective or did you just want to be a pointless asshole?
I LOVE THIS. I saw a picture on Instagram the other day that said “girls need to be taught that sexy doesn’t mean naked” and I was like “but what if being naked makes me feel sexy???” Does my wardrobe personally offend you? Does it affect your day in ANY way? No. So fuck off everyone. I hate that women have to defend and explain EVERYTHING we do. Our weight, sexual partners, outfits. It’s awful.
epic! I love this.
Note that he uses the term “females” to refer to human women, too. Because he doesn’t really view women as fully 100% human beings.
I am an egalitarian. I am also someone who clearly believes in the rule of law. According to the rule of law, there is no reasoning that justifies abuse, rape or any other type of violence.
The other day I was walking around a campus and I noticed a sign that stated “Do not rape” rather than “do not get raped” . Although I understand the concept that a person should be free to dress as they please and the main premise is that we should focus on purporting/ educating the message of “do not rape”, the truth is the majority of people in our society are uneducated and cannot be influenced by such campaigns. Albeit, I am not telling women to be more conservative. The only way to mitigate risk is to learn how to defend yourselves rather than rely on educational programs that reach a narrow audience. For example, as a society we teach people not to steal, yet robberies happen everyday. To mitigate the risk, you install an alarm system.
As for commoditizing then human body, whether its a women or a man, I see nothing wrong with it. If the portrayal of a perfect women or man’s body offends you? Well, please by all means close the tv or internet. In my mind, both women and men should thrive to attain their maximum in terms of physicality (PQ), intellectualism(IQ) and social-interactivity(EQ). Essentially we should always focus equally on self-regulating our PQ,EQ, and IQ. Men and women should thrive to be at their peek of PQ, EQ, and IQ. Anyone who is not is merely afflicted by laziness.
Educate yourself ,respect the law and learn to defend yourself.
This is amazing! So blunt and truthful! “Fuck. That. Noise” niiiice 🙂
Hi. I have a bone to pick with you complaining about the “self-confidence is sexy” comment. I can’t EVEN COUNT the number of times I’ve heard a girl or woman say “Confidence is sexy in a guy. Be yourself”. So the fact you blatantly ignore that irks me.
I only read this because the title of your blog is one of my favorite books. I think Sylvia would be pleased.
Ah, man, I LOVED this post, well said! I love that you acknowledge the sheer joy of sex and feeling sexy, whilst still managing to explain both clearly and passionately why it is absolutely NOT okay to tell women how to behave or dress, or what ‘sexy’ means, and how they should be more pleasing. Yes, yes, yes – you inspire me 🙂
Brava. I am so tired of the so-called “sexiness mandate.” I don’t mean that I hate sex or men or sexual attention or feeling sexy or whatever this might be misinterpreted as. What I hate is the idea that we have to always be sexy no matter what we are doing, and furthermore, that we have to be sexy in this flattened, generic way intended to appeal to as many people (men) as possible. It’s boring, it’s tiresome, it has nothing to do with the way people actually express sexuality, and I’m fucking over it.
And then to hear guys like Floyd Mayweather *snort* acting like they are demigods with the power to define what is and is not sexy for all women….well, it must be really nice to feel that confident and powerful and important. I’d suggest he and guys like him take their powers and use them towards being decent fucking human beings instead of dictating how women are supposed to live their lives.
I am in total agreement with your point. I have just passed my 12th grade and a disheartening thing will forever haunt me throughout my life – the excessive use of the word ‘sexy’ as an adjective. From a ‘sexy girl’ to a ‘sexy examination paper’, I have heard it all. And sometimes I wonder what exactly people mean when they use it for every possible thing. Sigh! But as you say – FUCK SEXY!
Very well written.
Cheers!
Fuck yes! You just said what I often say in my head but till now not out loud. I hate it, cringe in pain when people call me sexy- not that they do often, maybe they know not to!- it’s always about power or blind nodding to patriarchal indoctrination. Yep, hate it. Hate pop videos too! Especially ones about ‘strong women’. Oh please write about that!
Sometimes I really just need to here someone else freak out about shit like I often do. Thanks for that. 🙂
i hate fuck sexy
This post said everything and more about my feelings towards the word “classy”. I began writing something about it as well, but couldn’t quite get the right words out. I applaud you on this because it’s every thought I’ve had whenever I see a “motivational” quote or post about what’s “classy” or “sexy”. I can relate to everything you said here, especially the part about confidence being sexy (as if anyone is actually 100% confident). Good job on this!