Dispatches From The Gynocracy

16 Jun

“WE HAVE KILLED ALL THE MEN. STOP. MADE THEM JERK OFF INTO CUPS FIRST. STOP. WILL USE THEIR SPERM FOR ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION UNTIL WE DISCOVER ASEXUAL REPRODUCTION OR HAVE PERFECTED CLONING. STOP.”

“WE HAVE BANNED ALL THE LITERARY CLASSICS. STOP. WE DO NOT WANT OUR CITIZENS DEVELOPING PATRIARCHAL IDEAS ABOUT WOMEN BECAUSE OF THE GREAT GATSBY OR THAT DICK ERNEST HEMINGWAY. STOP. DID YOU KNOW ERNEST HEMINGWAY WAS A DICK. STOP.”

“WE WOULD LIKE TO EXTEND TO YOU A FORMAL INVITATION TO OUR ANNUAL ANDREA DWORKIN DAY CELEBRATIONS. STOP. PLEASE BRING YOUR OWN KNIVES FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THE CEREMONIAL CASTRATION OF OUR SYMBOLIC PAPIER MACHÉ REPRESENTATION OF THE PATRIARCHY. STOP. AFTERWARDS THERE WILL BE A VEGAN MEAL SERVED IN THE TOWN SQUARE BECAUSE ANIMALS ARE OPPRESSED PEOPLE TOO. STOP.”

“WE HAVE BANNED ALL PHALLIC SYMBOLS. STOP. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY THINGS LOOK PHALLIC WHEN YOU REALLY THINK ABOUT IT. STOP. LIKE PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING LIKE STICKS AND PENCILS AND BASEBALL BATS AND SHIT. STOP. WE HAVE BANNED BASEBALL. STOP. ALTHOUGH WE MUST ADMIT THAT WE DO APPROVE OF THE SYMBOLISM OF HITTING BALLS. STOP.”

“OUR ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION PROJECT WAS A SUCCESS. STOP. BUT NOW WHAT DO WE DO WITH ALL THESE MALE BABIES. STOP. WORRIED THAT IF WE LEAVE THEM ON A HILLSIDE THEY MIGHT BE SUCKLED BY SHE-WOLVES AND THEN FOUND AN EMPIRE. STOP. SHE-WOLVES ARE GENDER TRAITORS. STOP.”

“LIFE IS MUCH LESS FUN NOW THAT WE CAN NO LONGER MAKE FALSE RAPE ACCUSATIONS AGAINST MEN. STOP. WE HAVE STARTED UP A EUCHRE LEAGUE BUT OF COURSE HAD TO GET RID OF THE KING AND JACK CARDS. IF YOU NEED PROOF THAT WE ONCE LIVED IN A TOXIC PATRIARCHAL SOCIETY YOU ONLY NEED TO THINK ABOUT HOW THE KING CARD RANKS HIGHER THAN THE QUEEN. STOP. WE DO HOWEVER LIKE THE VAGINAL SHAPE OF THE SPADE SUIT. STOP.”

“WE HAVE ERECTED A STATUE IN THE VILLAGE SQUARE PORTRAYING A MAN WITH A NECKBEARD WEARING A FEDORA. STOP. THE INSCRIPTION READS AS FOLLOWS. STOP. TOP LINE: “MILADY”. STOP. BOTTOM LINE: “NEVER FORGET.” STOP.”

“SOMETIMES WE HAVE ABORTIONS JUST FOR FUN. STOP.”

“WE HAVE OUTLAWED RAZORS AND DEPILATORY CREAMS. STOP. YESTERDAY WE CAUGHT A WOMAN TRYING TO SHAVE WITH A SHARP ROCK. STOP. OBVIOUSLY SHE WAS HANGED IN THE VILLAGE SQUARE AS AN EXAMPLE. STOP.”

“WE EAT OUR PLACENTAS. STOP. THEY ARE DELICIOUS AND GIVE US SUPERPOWERS. STOP. THEY ARE BEST WHEN FRICASSEED. STOP. DON’T FORGET THE SALT. STOP.”

“I DON’T CARE THAT THE PLURAL OF PLACENTA IS PLACENTAE. STOP. DON’T MANSPLAIN PLACENTAS TO ME. STOP.”

“YES YOU CAN MANSPLAIN EVEN IF YOU’RE NOT A MAN. STOP. IT’S CALLED INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY LOOK IT UP. STOP.”

“THE DOWNSIDE TO COMMUNAL PARENTING IS THAT THERE ARE NO MORE CUSTODY BATTLES. STOP. WE MISS BEING ABLE TO USE THE COURTS TO EXERT OUR FEMALE PRIVILEGE AND SHAME FATHERS EVERYWHERE. STOP. THERE IS NO ONE HERE TO FALSELY ACCUSE OF CHILD MOLESTATION. STOP. SOMETIMES WE BECOME NOSTALGIC FOR THE GOOD OLD DAYS. STOP.”

“WE HAVE RUN OUT OF MALE TEARS TO BATHE IN. STOP. PLEASE SEND MORE. STOP. WE FEAR THAT OUR HIDEOUSLY DESICCATED SKIN WILL CRUMBLE WITHOUT THEM. STOP.”

“YESTERDAY WE HELD A BATTLE ROYALE BETWEEN THE WORKING MOTHERS AND THE STAY-AT-HOME MOTHERS. STOP. OBVIOUSLY IT WAS JUST A PRETEXT TO PUBLICLY EXECUTE ALL OF THE STAY-AT-HOME MOTHERS. STOP. THEY HAVE NO PLACE IN THE REVOLUTION. STOP. WE ARMED ALL THE WORKING MOTHERS WITH SABRES AND A VERY GOOD TIME WAS HAD BY ALL. STOP.”

“WE MAKE ART WITH OUR OWN MENSTRUAL BLOOD. STOP.”

“WE HAVE OUTLAWED CRYING. STOP. THERE IS NO CRYING ALLOWED IN THE GYNOCRACY. STOP. EXCEPT IN SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES. STOP. LIKE IF YOU THINK IT WILL GET YOU EXTRA PRIVILEGES OR HELP YOU NOT GET A SPEEDING TICKET. STOP.”

“WE MAKE SO MANY PRISON RAPE JOKES ABOUT MEN YOU HAVE NO IDEA. STOP.”

“NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO DRESS IN SEXY OUTFITS ANYMORE. STOP. UNLESS IT IS BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM FEEL GOOD AND PUTS THEM IN TOUCH WITH THEIR DIVINE FEMININE SEXUALITY. STOP. WE USE OUR GODDESS POWERS AND A LIE DETECTOR TEST TO DETERMINE SEXINESS MOTIVATION. STOP.”

“WE HAVE BURNED ALL THE BRAS. STOP. TURNS OUT THEY CREATE A LOT OF TOXIC SMOKE WHEN THEY BURN. STOP. WE HAVE HAD THREE BRA-BURNING FATALITIES THUS FAR. STOP.”

“ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS. STOP.”

Teri Slotkin, photograph of the Cave Girls (left to right: Marnie Greenholtz, Cara Brownell, Verge Piersol, Julie Harrison, Ellen Cooper, Bebe Smith); 1982; © Teri Slotkin Photography.

Teri Slotkin, photograph of the Cave Girls (left to right: Marnie Greenholtz, Cara Brownell, Verge Piersol, Julie Harrison, Ellen Cooper, Bebe Smith); 1982; © Teri Slotkin Photography.

Advertisements

33 Responses to “Dispatches From The Gynocracy”

  1. selaberry4u June 16, 2014 at 9:19 pm #

    Reblogged this on selaberry4u.

  2. swo8 June 16, 2014 at 10:12 pm #

    Oh my, that was hilarious!
    Leslie

  3. roboman20000 June 16, 2014 at 10:28 pm #

    I am incredibly sorry that you wrote this. You seemed to be a proper Feminist with all the Knowledge Kickassery that comes with, but now you have disappointed me (and I hope many other rational people) with this post. The Feminist Movement is NOT about subjugating men, but about educating the masses in hopes that the collective society will start to change. I followed your Blog because of the “Virginity Is A Social Construct” post and have read many of your other posts as well. I am sorry to say that I can no longer support you. This post is exactly the kind of message that should not be given. You have basically said that you not only condone, but encourage a Genocide of the Male population. Even if that where not the case, the last line says everything.

    Again, I am sorry that you had to post this and that you seem to think that this is appropriate at any time. Good bye.

    • Uncouth Youth June 17, 2014 at 12:18 am #

      You…you do realize the satire here, right? Oh wait…no, no you don’t.

      • Kathy June 17, 2014 at 1:01 am #

        Come on guy, every now and then ya gotta play a little. It’s all in good fun, or maybe bad fun. Don’t take it personally… it’s not about you.

    • Marisa June 17, 2014 at 1:16 am #

      Satire-impaired, are we, RoboMan? SATIRE.

    • roboman20000 June 17, 2014 at 2:22 pm #

      I understand that this is meant to be funny, and most of it is. However, there is always a line. That line was crossed with “ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS”

      That one quote turned a relatively funny post into something that I cannot support. There are many other words that would have had a similar effect without the background meanings. Pigs, Neanderthals, even Sex Crazed would have worked and these are just off the top of my head. Rapists was chosen though, and that is not acceptable.

      All that the author had to do is read that line again and ask herself: Is rape funny?

      That is the question I put to whoever reads this. My answer is: No, not ever. What’s yours?

      • Fowlie June 18, 2014 at 2:27 am #

        You basically get some kind of fucked up pleasue out of being offended by humour (or anything else) and then acting superior to everyone via internet comment board self-righteousness. You’re a part of the problem, not the solution. My heart aches for you, you sad, ignorant, misguided cunt 😦

      • srssrsly June 21, 2014 at 6:46 pm #

        You kind of changed complaints there. Anyway, this post is making the same sort of joke as the famous “Straw Feminists in the Closet” comic (google it, it’s the first result). The entire joke is how feminists are perceived by Rush Limbaugh listeners, redditors, and other people who unironically use the word ‘feminazi’, and how out of touch that is – as if all feminists all subscribe to the SCUM manifesto and that the text is to be followed at face value. “All men are rapists” comes from a 1977 novel, The Women’s Room, from a fictional radical second wave feminist, and has been memeified in both feminist and anti-feminist circles ever since. As you might expect, in anti-feminist circles the phrase means “a typical feminist” and in most feminist circles the phrase means “what an anti-feminist thinks a typical feminist would say”. In some feminist circles the phrase might have deeper or different meanings, but very few have world-views so simple that the phrase is taken literally.

        tl;dr: “All men are rapists” is a feminist meme. You might have a point that it’s needlessly triggering but from your first post I don’t think that’s the position you’re taking.

      • srssrsly June 21, 2014 at 6:46 pm #

        You kind of changed complaints there. Anyway, this post is making the same sort of joke as the famous “Straw Feminists in the Closet” comic (google it, it’s the first result). The entire joke is how feminists are perceived by Rush Limbaugh listeners, redditors, and other people who unironically use the word ‘feminazi’, and how out of touch that is – as if all feminists all subscribe to the SCUM manifesto and that the text is to be followed at face value. “All men are rapists” comes from a 1977 novel, The Women’s Room, from a fictional radical second wave feminist, and has been memeified in both feminist and anti-feminist circles ever since. As you might expect, in anti-feminist circles the phrase means “a typical feminist” and in most feminist circles the phrase means “what an anti-feminist thinks a typical feminist would say”. In some feminist circles the phrase might have deeper or different meanings, but very few have world-views so simple that the phrase is taken literally.

        tl;dr: “All men are rapists” is a feminist meme. You might have a point that it’s needlessly triggering but from your first post I don’t think that’s the position you’re taking.

    • loganbacon June 21, 2014 at 3:19 am #

      Not a fan of Game of Thrones, are you?

  4. Kathy June 16, 2014 at 10:41 pm #

    Whoa baby!

  5. mfennvt June 16, 2014 at 10:58 pm #

    Hilarious. Well played!

  6. georgefinnegan June 16, 2014 at 11:32 pm #

    Thanks for one of the greatest laughs of the day!

  7. gxm17 June 17, 2014 at 12:14 am #

    OMFG! TFF. Who says feminists don’t have a sense of humor!

  8. ramona June 17, 2014 at 12:56 am #

    This is great! I could not stop laughing. (Bad feminist, bad!) 🙂

  9. Marisa June 17, 2014 at 1:15 am #

    The MRA nightmare writ large, to point out HOW RIDICULOUS IT IS! Satire, folks – learn it and learn it well! Well done!

  10. Helena Hann-Basquiat June 17, 2014 at 12:33 pm #

    Methinks some people need a sarcasm font. Or perhaps a Babelfish implanted in their ear so that they can understand the language of satire. Perhaps certain people think that Swift actually thought that the Irish should eat their babies?

  11. Susan B Raven June 17, 2014 at 1:49 pm #

    Very funny and the telegram style is brilliant.

  12. sammykur June 17, 2014 at 4:31 pm #

    Seems acuarate for alot of the feminists comments I have read ,sorry but its true

  13. Writewireless June 17, 2014 at 6:35 pm #

    Poetic justice!! Hahaha! I love the outrage you en-GENDER in the opposite. Shoe’s on the other foot for a while. Kinda nice 🙂

  14. womenxnewyork June 18, 2014 at 7:12 pm #

    Reblogged this on Woman of New York.

  15. Trent Lewin June 19, 2014 at 12:55 am #

    At the end of this, it is your quote attributed to Ms. Plath that seems the satire. I know you don’t mean this. I know it’s satire. But it still feels mean, and I wonder if you would appreciate a reverse set of sentiments. This is how we make the world better, by this? What did you hope to accomplish? A laugh?

    • Douglas June 20, 2014 at 9:36 pm #

      Yes, I think a laugh just might be what she wanted to accomplish, and I think she succeeded.

      • Trent Lewin June 21, 2014 at 12:44 am #

        I will respect your opinion on that.

    • rabbitwithfangs June 21, 2014 at 12:12 am #

      Yes, um, actually, I’m pretty sure she was going for a laugh. Or are you one of those feminists that have no sense of humour? 😀

      • Trent Lewin June 21, 2014 at 12:45 am #

        I can’t rightly figure out my appropriate label, but I figure I have a decent sense of humour. It didn’t extend itself to this post, though.

  16. loganbacon June 21, 2014 at 3:11 am #

    The humor is so very obvious. Those who don’t see it choose not to see it, their loss. Any rational person will see it for what it is.

  17. valiakohnahawake June 24, 2014 at 9:48 am #

    Reblogged this on Opinionated Ms Me and commented:
    This is the best damn thing I have ever seen in my whole damn life. Stop.

  18. Martin June 25, 2014 at 4:32 pm #

    For the record, I do get the joke here, but I just wanted to comment that I wish more people would actually read Dworkin. Her work is largely misrepresented both by misogynists and those who want to use her as an example of an extreme “we’re not like that!” position. The idea that all heterosexual sex is rape, while widely attributed to her, is not what she said.

  19. wedding dress April 9, 2015 at 2:38 pm #

    Some of these stores carry styles not sold in the regular locations and this will help you find something
    completely different. Platinum’s Silk Crepe Georgette Slim Gown with deep notched neckline and dramatic beading at front empire seam
    (Empire) and Platinum’s Silk Satin Strapless Ballgown with heavily embroidered corset bodice and skirt (Basque) are
    great references for those shapes. A little basket full of roses, lilies or daisies look great too.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Dispatches from the Gynocracy | notyourfeminazi - June 17, 2014

    […] Dispatches from the Gynocracy […]

  2. Geroge Will is an american hero and I will derail this thread to prove it | Spoventure - June 22, 2014

    […] with a male friend reposting something I posted – a blog post from The Belle Jar titled “Dispatches From the Gynocracy”. This blog post was the subject of much furious discussion on his page about how wrong it was to […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: