14 Bleakly Funny Reasons Not To Kill Myself

3 Nov
  1. My cat might end up eating my body out of desperation and honestly I can’t do that to her. I can’t be the person who forces that beautiful, innocent creature to become someone who resorts to something that isn’t technically cannibalism but MIGHT AS WELL BE BECAUSE SHE IS SPIRITUALLY IF NOT PHYSICALLY MY DAUGHTER. I’ve got enough on my conscience as it is.
  2. My apartment is a mess and I don’t want the paramedics or whoever judging me my piles of dirty dishes
  3. I would probably somehow fuck it up and end up not dead. Just like I fuck everything else up.
  4. There’s going to be a second season of Stranger Things and I need some closure on the Barb situation
  5. I’m pretty sure my mom has already bought my Christmas present and I’m not sure if she kept the receipt or what the store’s return/exchange policy is
  6. I’m too depressed and tired to write the kind of suicide note I deserve. Plus, I’d probably accidentally leave someone off the list of loved ones who deserve apologies for my prematurely shuffling off this mortal coil and then that person would be mad at me literally forever.
  7. It’s getting to be That Time of Year and killing yourself over the holidays is just so clichéd
  8. Speaking of clichéd, isn’t suicide kind of played out for depressed women? Isn’t there some rare, fatal virus that I can contract instead? I’d hate for anyone to think I was being unoriginal or cribbing off someone else’s work.
  9. Someone would read my diary and honestly it’s so embarrassing that I would die a second time from the embarrassment and come back as the ghost of my ghost (h/t Shriya Hari)
  10. There would probably be an ambulance and it would be a big deal and all my neighbours would come out to stare and what if my dress was hiked up and they saw my underwear?
  11. Frankly, I have to stay alive to spite all the internet strangers who have told me to kill myself
  12. I haven’t had the chance to wear that new party dress that I bought at a steep discount back in August
  13. Who’s to say everything ends with death? What if it doesn’t and the next life is even more annoying than this one?
  14. My cat is an asshole and doesn’t like anyone except me and I’d hate to inflict her on anyone who isn’t me

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    I do it all for you bb

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25 Responses to “14 Bleakly Funny Reasons Not To Kill Myself”

  1. Barbara November 3, 2016 at 1:25 am #

    You are right those are bleak reasons, but I’m so glad you are sticking around even if only for your darling cat. Chuckle.

  2. smseattle November 3, 2016 at 1:26 am #

    I love all your reasons except for number 12. I think it’s impossible for a cat to be an a@@hole. I think that is for humans only 🙂

    • jamieraye November 3, 2016 at 2:09 am #

      No, my cat’s an asshole. She knows it too. But like, she’s a loving asshole? Lots of cuddles (when she wants) and makes life better (for me) but she hates 75% of people and other animals. haaa

  3. pattimouse November 3, 2016 at 1:29 am #

    Reblogged this on Pattimouse.

  4. Barbara Marincel November 3, 2016 at 1:33 am #

    Oh my dear, I don’t know you (although I do know where you are coming from) but anyone with your marvelous sense of humor would be a huge loss to the world!

    Actually, in all seriousness, the world really does need people who can find humor at even the darkest times. It’s a sign of strength, believe it or not.

    And honestly, at my worst, loneliest moments, I have realized I can’t kill myself because my dog Fiona would be totally devastated.

  5. athveg34f November 3, 2016 at 1:33 am #

    OMG, cutie kitty. She is surely not the first kitty to have saved a life this way.

    Sadly, I am with you on a few of those reasons though.

  6. pattimouse November 3, 2016 at 1:35 am #

    Well I am most glad you have at least one reason.. You would be missed.

  7. Beck November 3, 2016 at 1:36 am #

    Girl, I feel you– thanks for the smile. I can’t because my dog is really naughty at my parents’ house and I know they would take him in. I’m mortified by the idea of him annoying and exhausting them for the next decade. xo

  8. indigodecay November 3, 2016 at 1:48 am #

    I like + sympathise with the fact that your cat is on this list twice. Also kind of enjoy instances of ‘Spite Will Keep You Warm’, haha. I once got mad at someone on Lifeline for suggesting I listen to Mozart when I was suicidal. I hear enough Mozart stuck on hold with Centrelink when they cut off my payments and I had to wonder if I would lose my home and end up on the streets, I can’t hear that music without getting tense and anxious and sad. I got so mad at her, I ended up yelling and hanging up and spent the rest of the day fuming at the incompetency of thinking that a music playlist would stop someone killing themselves, and enjoy the irony now that I was too busy being mad about it to kill myself.

  9. Isabelle Bourgeault-Tassé November 3, 2016 at 1:49 am #

    You bring me so much joy, even when you are baring your soul with thoughts of death. Reading you is a ritual that makes me feel understood, seen, and a little less lonely. ❤

  10. jamieraye November 3, 2016 at 2:14 am #

    Reblogged this on A Trip Beyond Compare…and beyond. and commented:
    For anyone who has experienced suicidal ideation in their lives, you may have some reasons like this. I know that if I died by suicide, Buffy would have to go back living with my mom and Kuki and that may cause Buffy a lot of anxiety and stress and could cause her to die and I can’t have that on my conscious (I know in this situation, I’m dead but somehow, I think I’d know).

  11. aqilaqamar November 3, 2016 at 2:22 am #

    I am glad you are here. Those are good reasons. Don’t mind me asking this, I don’t know so please forgive any wrong on my part but you have a child right? I may be mistaken so sorry if I am. Also, I am so glad you gave these reasons. They are such credible and good reasons. Thank You so much for sharing this important and so personal experience. I needed to know how people feel. At their best and even at their sadnesses.

  12. myfemalepersuasion November 3, 2016 at 2:25 am #

    #2 and #9 though!

  13. Kirstie November 3, 2016 at 2:46 am #

    Absolutely. Reminds me of the Dorothy Parker poem, Resumé.

  14. christianjulie November 3, 2016 at 2:48 am #

    today, I went to the pharmacy to get, I thought I’d steal them, some safety razor blades. My depression, and hypo mania somehow caused my vision to go all wobbly. Didn’t procure the means of my angry and immutable dispatch, today.
    Don’t fuck yourself up. If only for the humans your death would hurt, forever.
    I feel you, I’m all triggered up, take a breath.

  15. Megan Perrow Marney November 3, 2016 at 6:15 am #

    The cat is always a good reason not to 🙂

  16. silverapplequeen November 3, 2016 at 9:55 am #

    As Dorothy Parker wrote in the poem Resumé, “you might as well live”. Suicide must be in the air lately. I was talking about it with a friend yesterday & with my therapist the day before. Such a cheerful time of year! My attitude is a lot like Parker’s, for every way of committing suicide, there’s a way of fucking it up & living in a worse hell. So hang in there. & it’s true, cats keep us alive. They love us when no one seems to care. Hugs

  17. flyleafunfurled November 3, 2016 at 11:45 am #

    Season 2 of “Stranger Things” is by far the best reason for not leaving yet. I mean, really, does no one care about Barb, the sacrificial lamb?! She just gets swallowed up and all her friends are, “Bummer. Hmmm. What’s on TV?” I think maybe she’s still wandering around The Upside Down . . .

  18. Deborah November 3, 2016 at 12:37 pm #

    Excellent! Smiling! My cat keeps me tethered to the ground as well. This morning he peed on my Halloween costumes. ALL of them.

  19. elle November 3, 2016 at 2:18 pm #

    Totally connected with this post. Sending love and hugs. We (and our asshole cats) are all rooting for you.

  20. mcrmom614 November 3, 2016 at 2:49 pm #

    You should definitely stay alive to spite those who wish you dead. I never understood holiday depression till I had fairly severe depression that started some years ago. I know it’s not the same thing.

    I do hope that this urge is something you continue to conquer.

  21. Ann November 3, 2016 at 3:00 pm #

    Hang in there. Believe it or not, you are valuable to your faithful readers, who would miss you.

  22. brockbuildersteel November 3, 2016 at 4:01 pm #

    If you die in your apartment, your home, your motor home, or if you die upon your water bound Yacht or Sailboat’ and the cat or the Dog as a pet is housebound, with no escape and no food to access upon their own, other than your freshly dead corpse’ both the Dog will start gnawing upon your arms and face within 12 to 17 hours for dogs, but for cats they will start in on eating your corpse right away’ according to one past article / study that I had read far sooner than the Dog and the Cat with eat any part of you. Pet rodents like say a escaped hamster, it will gnaw into you face, and inter you skull of chest cavity of which they will chew an opening, then they will make a nest with you Skull’ or chest.

    ‘But before the next day’ your corpse will be eaten upon. I cannot say if they would have any remorse, but pet dogs seem to avoid eating the pet owners face for the most part out of guilt. Put a bag over your face and they will tear into you and have a meal, until they are rescued or die themselves of dehydration or starvation.

  23. Wajdi Almowafak November 3, 2016 at 6:45 pm #

    Really enjoyed this!
    Thank you for sharing 🙂

  24. thequirkydigest November 3, 2016 at 7:19 pm #

    Omg my cat is an asshole too… and she’s a Tortie Calico! I think it’s a calico thing to hate everyone and everything except for your mom. Like my cat loves me, my mom, and my dad, but then tells everyone else to fuck off.
    She’s also one of the reasons I didn’t kill myself and got myself help. I love your reasons, because a few of those were mine too. Honestly, when I found out that your body releases whatever is in your bladder and bowels once you’re dead, I said no way. Can you imagine the mess that would be left? Who will clean that up? Of course my family. Ew. I’m not having my family clean up my bowels.

    At the end of the day, any reason not to kill yourself is a good reason. Life is not easy, but my situations have changed and things are a lot better. Some things could be improved, but we’re a work in progress. Stay safe and post more about your baby!

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