“I Knew That Shit Was Poison”: 13 People Describe What Paxil Did To Them As Teens And Young Adults

21 Sep

Late last week the New York Times published an article titled Antidepressant Paxil Is Unsafe for Teenagers, New Analysis SaysAfter reading it through twice, I sent the link to my friend. He messaged me back almost immediately: “I knew that shit was poison.”

We’d both known.

I was put on Paxil when I was 16. The best word to describe that time in my life is probably soggy. I cried. A lot. I cried in class, I cried between classes, and I cried after school. At night, instead of doing homework I would lie in bed and read Lucy Maud Montgomery books and cry. I got an F in math that semester, which somehow felt validating, as if it proved that I was the failure I’d always imagined myself to be.

I went to see my family doctor and after listening to me stumble through what for me was an excruciating disclosure, he looked into my eyes and said, “yeah, you do look a little blue.” He wrote me a prescription for Paxil, gave me a referral to a psychotherapist and told me to come back in six weeks.

By the time six weeks had passed I’d already quit therapy and was just as miserable as ever.

“Let’s just increase your dose,” my doctor said cheerfully.

It would turn out that this was his standard response any time I complained about antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. No change in mood? Increase the dose. Side effects? Increase the dose. Particularly bad side effects? Add another drug to the mix and also increase the dose.

The Paxil didn’t make me less depressed, but it did give me awful insomnia. And even when I did manage to sleep, my head still felt like it was stuffed with cotton batting. Instead of going away, my thoughts about suicide got worse. I started cutting myself. When my doctor found out, he was pretty nonchalant about it. “Some kids do that,” he said. “But as long as you’re not actually trying to kill yourself…”

He let the sentence dangle there, half-finished. I wasn’t sure where telling the truth would get me at this point, so I lied. No, I told him. Of course I didn’t want to kill myself.

He seemed satisfied. Then he increased my dose again, just to be on the safe side.

Finally, after a year and half on Paxil, my doctor switched my prescription to Prozac. I was lucky enough not to experience much in the way of withdrawal, but many other people describe Paxil as being incredibly difficult to wean off of. There’s a laundry list of symptoms, including so-called “brain zaps” or “brain shivers” that are exactly what they sound like. It turns out that as miserable as being on Paxil was, coming off of it was sometimes even worse. Given all of this, why was it being given out to so many adolescents in the late 90s and early 2000s?

Part of the reason was a big push by the makers of Paxil to open up a new market for the drug. A study published by drugmaker  GlaxoSmithKline in 2001 concluded that the drug was both safe and effective for teenagers, so doctors were unhesitant about doling it out to the under-18 crowd. Sure, Study 329 had followed less than 300 kids – a third of whom were taking Paxil, another third taking an older antidepressant and the rest given a placebo – but the medication was known to be fine for adults, so what was the problem?

There were lots of problems. One of the biggest was that the study didn’t show what GlaxoSmithKline said it showed.

Last week, major medical journal BMJ published a new analysis of the data from Study 329. Their conclusion?

“Contrary to the original report by Keller and colleagues, our reanalysis of Study 329 showed no advantage of paroxetine or imipramine over placebo in adolescents with symptoms of depression on any of the prespecified variables. The extent of the clinically significant increases in adverse events in the paroxetine and imipramine arms, including serious, severe, and suicide related adverse events, became apparent only when the data were made available for reanalysis. Researchers and clinicians should recognise the potential biases in published research, including the potential barriers to accurate reporting of harms that we have identified. Regulatory authorities should mandate accessibility of data and protocols.

As with most scientific papers, Keller and colleagues convey an impression that “the data have spoken.” This authoritative stance is possible only in the absence of access to the data. When the data become accessible to others, it becomes clear that scientific authorship is provisional rather than authoritative.”

This is incredibly important.

What is also important is how quickly and easily doctors dismiss complaints from adolescent patients. In my experience, my complaints about medication were either ignored or resulted in an increase in dosage – and having spoken to several other people who were struggled with mental health as teens, I’ve realized that this was true for many people. The result was both that none of us were receiving the right medication, all of us were experiencing side effects that made every day functioning difficult, and many of us now have difficulty trusting medical professionals.

Here are some of our stories:

LT: I was diagnosed with depression in my teens and was prescribed Paxil. My moods became even more extreme, I felt confused and erratic and started to experience delusions and hallucinations. I attempted suicide and was taken off Paxil when I was hospitalized. My diagnosis stayed the same and I was put on Effexor. I went home and after a few months stopped taking that because I became manic (though I didn’t know what that was at the time), thinking I could walk through walls, hallucinating, talking a mile a minute. I didn’t go on any other medication until my 20s when I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Not sure Paxil can be blamed for a misdiagnosis but it certainly was no fun to be on and I think, contributed to my attempting suicide.

LS: When I was 14, I complained about chronic worry to my doctor – I didn’t have the words or tools to understand that what I was experiencing was anxiety. She didn’t educate me on it, or suggest I seek therapy, or suggest I exercise, but she did prescribe me Paxil. The next year of my life was miserable.

I constantly thought about how better off everyone would be (including myself) if I wasn’t around. My self esteem completely disintegrated. My restricted eating ramped up into an eating disorder. I stopped being interested in almost anything, except self loathing… Finally I decided to go off it, because it obviously wasn’t helping. It took me a very long time to slowly wean off, crumbs a day basically, and I experienced those awful electric jabs in my brain the entire time.

Once I was weaned off it, I became myself again. The anxiety was back but I cared about my life again. The experience traumatized me so badly, it took 15 years of suffering through an anxiety disorder before I was finally willing to try medication again – because my new family doctor encouraged me to try lots of different things in conjunction with it – meditation, yoga, exercise, healthy diet, therapy, and tons of reading. I wish I’d had this knowledge when I was younger.

CN: Also on Paxil as a young adult. I’ve always had suicide ideation and while my sadness symptoms diminished while I was on Paxil, the suicidal thoughts remained and were devoid of emotion. They seemed more logical because they weren’t attached to an emotional breakdown.

AG: I was on Paxil in my early twenties. It led me to cutting, lack of energy, lack of hope (I lived in my apt with no power for a month…this happened several times), I self medicated with alcohol to desperately FEEL something. One time I cut myself so badly I thought I was going to die. I ran outside and flagged down a cop car who drove me to emergency. That medication nearly destroyed me. Whenever I complained, I kept being given higher doses.

MT: I was on it between ages 15-18. After being put on Paxil, I felt worse. I made 3 suicide attempts in that time that took me to the ER and some time in a psych floor for children/teens (many as young as 6 and taking liquid versions of Prozac and Praxil – I overheard the nurses handing out meds).

CD: It just made me flat. And they kept ratcheting up the dose all the time.

JT: I was on it when I was in my 20s and it was terrible for me. It made me manic, and I had never been manic and haven’t been manic since. Dangerously manic. I made poor choices and exhibited very unhealthy behaviors. Then the Paxil flu (Paxil withdrawal syndrome) nearly killed me, I swear. It’s been like 11 years and I still occasionally have brain zaps.

NS: I was given two sample packs of Paxil by someone in a walk-in clinic when I went in with mood swings when I was 22. I was on it long enough to take two doses, which left me twitching and clenching my teeth and shivering in the corner of my room like some sort of raver with too much e in their system.

CB: I too, was on in in my early 20s, and I too, felt awful on it. Manic is probably the best word to describe the feelings that came about … I was either insanely emotional and panic-attack stricken, or a complete zombie.Really didnt help control my anxiety at all…

NR: I was suicidal when I was 15 in 1995 and was first put on Paxil. I remember it made me feel extremely numb and unreal, like my brain was stuffed with cotton and the world was far away. My doc upped the dose when I complained of not feeling better and the symptoms just got worse. I remember going to my dance class and napping on the couch instead because I was just so tired. Or one time I was out with some friends and I went and lied on top of my friend’s car and stared into the sky because I was literally high from the meds.

JK: I was put on Paxil when I was 18 or 19. I was put on it by a walk in clinic doctor after I super awkwardly told him I tried to kill myself with pills. I came back a few months later, saw the same doctor, and told him I didn’t think they were helping and they seemed to be making my body feel worse (stomach aches, weird shakes) and asked shouldn’t I be referred to a psychologist or psychiatrist? He looked at me and literally said ‘ these are the only pills that will help you, and you will need them for the rest of your life’.

SG: At 17 I was prescribed with Paxil. I don’t think it was the first choice of my MD (who seemed to imply it was largely a placebo in comparison to other SSRIs) but they went with it because it had been successful (apparently) with my mother.

After two days, I got such severe dry mouth (and/or my tongue was swollen) that I couldn’t swallow, and my tongue was kind of just sticking out of my mouth at rest position.

EN: I was never on Paxil, but a guy I dated was. We broke up when we were 23. He killed himself six weeks later.

Antidepressants have likely saved my life and they have certainly made a miserably chronic condition easier to live with. But the way they have been prescribed to me has often left me feeling confused, unheard and intensely gaslit. Because how else are you going to feel when you tell someone that a medication makes you feel awful and the only response you ever get is that you should take more of it?

For some teens, Paxil was a miracle drug. For many of us, it did little to improve how we felt and brought with it dangerous – and sometimes even life-threatening – side effects. Factors like unscrupulous drug companies, doctors eager to reach for their prescription pad and a general lack of attention to the thoughts, feelings and autonomy of teenagers all contributed to this. I have no doubt that this same story is currently playing out with different medications; I feel certain that other studies will be debunked just as thoroughly as study 329.

People need these medications; people’s lives are put in danger by these medications. There’s going to be a lot that needs to change before the latter statement stops being true.


21 Responses to ““I Knew That Shit Was Poison”: 13 People Describe What Paxil Did To Them As Teens And Young Adults”

  1. Eric Odegard September 21, 2015 at 9:38 pm #

    Reblogged this on Living with Mental illness and commented:
    Remember being on a high dose of paxil – It really screwed me up. I was on Prozac at the same time.

  2. lizeden September 21, 2015 at 9:59 pm #

    I was put on anti-depressants as a teen. I’d have to go look at which ones, to know for sure. One of them (as you said) saved my life, definitely. But before getting to that one, I was on another med with a shitty doctor who used every complaint I made about not feeling good as an excuse to up my meds and kept saying “your blood levels are totally within the normal range”. Never mind that I told him I couldn’t focus in class. Never mind I told him I was so lethargic that I could barely manage to go to class. And when I said that I was so apathetic and miserable that I’d probably be thinking about killing myself if I *wasn’t* so apathetic and had such low energy his response was “But you’re not actually thinking about killing yourself? Ok, then you’re good”.

    Bad as the meds were, I blame things far more on that doctor, and his horrible attitude than the medication itself. That man should have never been made a doctor. Years after I stopped going to him, I wrote him a long letter about how horrible of a doctor he was, and how, had he actually paid attention to me and my symptoms and been concerned about TREATING me (versus doping me into stupidity), I’d have gotten better years earlier. I wish I’d also thought to contact the state board and try to file a complaint about him, but I’m not sure if they actually can legally take action over complaints like that – mental health and treatment being such grey areas.

    At any rate, I think psych doctors need FAR more education and more stringent policing to make sure that they’re not in the pockets of medical companies.

  3. saymber September 21, 2015 at 10:29 pm #

    I was never prescribed Paxil along my tour down the rabbit hole of the late 90’s military mental health system. During the curse of my tour of drugs for treatment there was Prozac, Topomax, Wellbutrin, Depakote and just recently Trazadone and Thorazine *which I refused to take after how shitty felt after taking them. Right now I’m in Lamictal and just recently off Adderall which I don’t miss….I can sleep again like normal humans lol. I have come to believe drugs are not the answer to what plagues us and more emphasis needs to be focused on why people have these problems in the first place. I’ve learned that once you tackle the “why” there is an f-ton less of the “what’s” like Paxil etc.

  4. ayitl September 21, 2015 at 10:30 pm #

    sorry to hear of you bad experiences. Drug companies can be some of the most corrupt

  5. Catherine Cheng, MD September 22, 2015 at 5:15 am #

    Thank you for this. Please keep writing, we all need to know better how to advocate for patients’ and especially adolescents’, voices to be *listened to*, not just heard. Please continue to use your voice!

  6. MarinaSofia September 22, 2015 at 5:28 am #

    And this is why I avoid going to the doctor’s and having medication prescribed… Of course, I’m aware that burying the head in the sand isn’t a solution either, but I fear all the side-effects, misdiagnosis, wrong prescriptions etc.

  7. wisdomwheelwoman September 22, 2015 at 8:56 am #

    Thank you for sharing your insights. First hand experience is crucial to understanding both the effects of medications and the side effects of being raised in unhealthy societies! My daughter was put on antidepressants too, one was Lexapro and only on it for a short time she did not think it helped. I have a sister who have been on high doses of Prozac for over 2 decades and has the distended liver to prove it. Having worked as an expressive arts facilitator in a forensic unit for five years, I have seen many types of mental illnesses in people whose behaviors have gotten them in trouble with the law. Drugs have their place but they tend to maintain people rather than ‘cure’ them. A psychiatrist friend of mine has begun taking the antidepressants he prescribed to others for so many years and is better able to understand the side effects now. No one should prescribe meds they have never taken, especially psychiatric ones.
    In First Nations communities where some genuine healers practice, they always sip the herbal brews they’ve concocted before giving them to anyone.
    I have long enjoyed your writing, your curiosity and sheer gutsy-ness and ought to put it in writing more often.

  8. setmeravelles September 22, 2015 at 9:43 am #

    I was on Paxil for about three months when I was 25-26. It was not a good fit for me, but reading this…it makes me mad, and it makes me sad. I know some meds can work for some people, but after I’ve had so many horrible experiences with more than one medicine, I’ve given up hope and deal with depression/anxiety without meds. If I’m going to stay depressed and anxious, better not to have the side effects, you know?

  9. silverapplequeen September 22, 2015 at 11:42 am #

    I was on Paxil for a short time in the 90s. What a nightmare. I was on all the anti-depressants … because as Bipolar 1, the doctors put me on mood stabilizers that made me depressed & then they had to put me on antidepressants to “even me out”. What a fucking crock! I am still Bipolar but I find that good food, daily exercise & good sleep are the best ways to manage this disease. Meds are the quickest way to mess you up. As far as I’m concerned, I was in better shape when I was drinking & drugging!

  10. MK September 22, 2015 at 12:34 pm #

    I’m in my mid-twenties, I’ve tried loads of anti-depressants and tbh Paxil is the only one that has worked for me and given me zero side effects. (I’m also on buspirone.) A lot of people seem to have complaints about both drugs but hey, everyone’s brain/body chemistry is different, and for me, these ones have saved my life and been magical. my mother and brother have also had great results from Paxil. I feel sad for people who have had awful experiences on it, but some drugs that I’ve had terrible experiences with (zoloft, klonopin, Adderall) have been other people’s lifesavers. I’ve been lucky to have physicians and psychiatrists who have been helpful and wise and have guided me in safely switching drugs when the ones I’m on have not been helping. It sounds like a lot of these doctors need to go back to school, or just stop prioritizing money over patients’ health, damn.

  11. mindlovemisery September 22, 2015 at 1:26 pm #

    I went on Paxil shortly after I had my daughter for postpartum Depression (at 26 so significantly older than those in the article). I was on a low dose because I am quite sensitive to medications. I experienced seizure like episodes, suicidal thoughts, mood swings, and magical/obsessional thinking. I would stand in the kitchen agonizing over which mug to use for my husband’s tea, terrified that if I chose incorrectly he would die. I felt totally out of touch with reality. When I read up on the drug I saw how serious the withdraw symptoms could be, people even developed Schizophrenia (I seemed to be headed in that direction). I did not want to be on meds for the rest of my life and so I weened myself off. I only took the drug a few months but during withdraw I was very emotional and I did get the zaps. I have since been diagnosed with PTSD, disassociative disorder, social anxiety, and Depression because of PTSD/Disassociative Disorder I am more or less impossible to treat with medication, those conditions cause meds to act very unpredictably which may be why I have responded poorly to all the psychotropics I have ever taken (excluding one anti-psychotic which did nothing at all). Now my focus is hands on therapy and that is working a lot better. Birth control has actually done more for my mood stability than any other drug.

    • Petal and Mortar September 27, 2015 at 10:47 pm #

      The study showed effects up to the end of adolescence, technically age 25, so much closer to your age than you realised! I, too, was on Paxil as a teenager and then again after my daughter was born and I hated it both times.

  12. Elle September 22, 2015 at 2:09 pm #

    One of my childhood friends was on Adderall and came off it for the summer when he was sixteen. He shot himself in June that year. The year after that, there were congressional hearings on Adderall and suicidal ideation amongst kids who came off it. No one had spoken about it before. It’s unbelievable corruption and deception amongst pharmaceutical companies, and whether doctors are genuinely deceived or just spreading the deception, it’s got to be different.

  13. christinadrh September 22, 2015 at 6:04 pm #

    It’s sad that a drug only has to help 30% of people in a test study to be deemed successful. This is a small part of the problem. Have you tried the natural way with Calm PRT? Good stuff.

  14. platinumhowler14 September 22, 2015 at 6:28 pm #

    I’m scarred for life in the best way possible having read this article.

  15. johnberk September 28, 2015 at 8:53 am #

    Paxil and other drugs were part of my life for some time, and it was not something that I would like to bring back. On the contrary, I was emotionally so numb I could not feel anything, it was like living in a half-dream, as I remember it. I believe these drugs are made to create clients, not to cure anyone. It took a great effort to stop taking it, especially when I was being discouraged by both my partner and doctors. But I knew that I did not want to remain a slave of the pharmaceutical industry.

  16. DC October 16, 2015 at 6:55 pm #

    Antidepressants have likely saved my life and they have certainly made a miserably chronic condition easier to live with. But the way they have been prescribed to me has often left me feeling confused, unheard and intensely gaslit. Because how else are you going to feel when you tell someone that a medication makes you feel awful and the only response you ever get is that you should take more of it?


  17. Sam October 21, 2015 at 7:59 pm #

    I appreciate you writing about these kinds of issues and social concerns. We need more writers like you. Just wanted to let you know I nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award. 🙂

  18. Claus Martin November 28, 2015 at 1:36 am #

    One should always be very cautious, to take any medicines. In many cases, they are not really needed. Changing the lifestyle, eating habits, having enough workout and some good friends, it the best medicine. And have enough sleep. Our body is able, to defeat a lot of health problems, if we pay attention to him and give him the needed time to recover. Hatha Yoga and relaxation methods can help a lot, to get healthy again.

  19. lunamoth December 18, 2015 at 1:21 pm #

    The thing is, antidepressants, as I’m sure you have heard, work differently for everyone. My daughter has been on many different meds during her struggles a few years ago. The one that has worked for her is paxil combined with seroquel. Both pretty heavy duty drugs, and not without side effects. However, you have to do what you have to do in order to be well, and a careful weighing of the benefits and risks is always a good idea. We are like guinea pigs, thought. It’s all trial and error on the part of the psychiatrists; what is a miracle drug for one person may be someone else’s nightmare. Unfortunately, it’s up to us to self-advocate; we know if something is working or not. We can feel it in our bones, in our hearts. And honestly evaluating the effectiveness of any medication is essential in caring for ourselves. Blessings to you, and love this blog so much.


  1. Recommended Reading: October 3rd, 2015 - Resources for Ace Survivors - October 5, 2015

    […] antidepressant medication Paxil was declared to be unsafe for teenagers, and 13 people describe its effects on them as teens and young adults here. [tw: suicide ideation, incompetent doctors dismissing complaints from young patients, medical […]

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