I think that we can all agree that the main problem with Canadian history is that men are just way too underrepresented. Take our money, for example. I mean, the queen is on all of our coins! What kind of misandry is this? Sure the five dollar bill boasts our old pal Wilfred Laurier, and the ten dollar bill shows everyone’s favourite confederation-loving racist Sir John A. Macdonald, and the fifty dollar bill has séance-holder and dog enthusiast William Lyon Mackenzie King and yeah, fine, the hundred dollar bill is devoted to Nova Scotia’s good ole boy Sir Robert Borden, but I mean, come on. Queen Elizabeth II graces all of our coins and our twenty dollar bill. Every time you open your wallet it’s just ladies ladies everywhere and nary a dick in sight*.
If you’re not seeing the feminist conspiracy that’s clearly at play here, then you must have taken the blue pill and I hope your happy living in your fantasy world where you think women aren’t angling for world domination. Meanwhile, the rest of us will be out here fighting the good fight for all those poor, ignored white men of history.
Thankfully, those of us with even just an ounce of good sense can count ourselves lucky to have Lord and Saviour of Canada Prime Minister Stephen Harper on our side. I mean, here’s a guy whose political party is fighting for rights of oppressed white dudes everywhere. After his disappointing failure to ban abortion in our fair country – though fear not, beloved reader, he’s doing his best to make accessing abortions as difficult as possible! – he has now set his sights on a new and very worthy enterprise: getting all the ladies off of our money.
Obviously it would be silly to start by taking the queen off of our money. For one thing, she’ll be dead soon and then it’s kings ahoy for at least the next century. For another, if Harper did that he wouldn’t be invited to any more royal garden parties, and if there is one thing Stephen Harper loves, it’s garden parties. Full of white people. Who speak English. Preferably with a refined accent. He’s also a big fan of those little cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
With that in mind, Harper began his de-ladyfying of the Canadian currency back in 2012 by removing the Famous Five and an image of the Thérèse Casgrain Volunteer Award from the fifty dollar bill. The Famous Five, for you lucky few not in the know – how nice it must be to live in ignorance of Canada’s deplorably lady-infested past! – were Emily Murphy, Irene Parlby, Nellie McClung, Louise McKinney and Henrietta Edwards, the five women foolish enough to ask if the word “persons” in Section 24 of the British North America Act included female persons. Which of course was a trick question because we all know that there’s no such thing as a female person – just male persons and hysterical, irrational women.
Thérèse Casgrain, bless her unreasonable little female heart, came a bit later than the Famous Five and was one of those pesky suffragettes. You know, those women who thought that female-persons (OXYMORON) should be allowed to have a say in who was running the country. As if men weren’t capable of making that decision by themselves! She also went on to do many unfeminine things such as being made an Officer of the Order of Canada and becoming a senator. No wonder so many fatherless teenagers are getting pregnant and shooting innocent white people.
Pierre Trudeau, noted socialist and French-speaking person, created the Thérèse Casgrain Volunteer Award in 1982 as a way of honouring Canadians who deserve recognition for doing things for free (which is the opposite of capitalism). Note that Trudeau and Casgrain are both from Québec – I’ll let you draw your own conclusions from that fact, but with mention that you can totally anagram “separatism” into “parasites m” (the M is for Murder All The Anglophones). I think it’s pretty clear to everyone here that this award was all some sort of front for the FLQ, who are probably bombing your staunch anglo mailbox as we speak.
Thankfully for all of us true, red-blooded (BUT WHITE-SKINNED, AMIRITE FOLKS?) Canadians, it has recently come to light that Stephen Harper put a stop to all those Thérèse Casgrain shenanigans back in 2010. In lieu of that stinky french commie award, he created a Prime Minister’s Volunteer Award to be awarded instead, with a picture of the prime minister’s banner on it. I MEAN IS THAT CANADIAN OR WHAT. BEAVERS AND MAPLE LEAFS FUCK YEAH. I’M GONNA GO DO A LINE OF TIMBITS TO CELEBRATE.
I would suggest that all of us loyal (white) Canadians should kneel by our bed and offer a prayer of thanks to Jesus (also white) that we live in this wonderful country that works so hard to erase the memory of any and all women who might ever have done anything of note.
Thank you, Stephen Harper. Thank you.
Amen.
*Not all men have penises and not all women have vaginas, but as far as I know QEII has a very royal vagina and all of the men on Canadian money were happily be-penised.
The Belle Jar 
LOL! Good one!
I’m not actually replying to you; I just don’t know where to leave a comment.
Can Harper be charged with rape for this? Srsly, this is bullshit.
Wow. Why is he still Prime Minister? 2015 election, please get here quickly!
Another wonderful and inspiring post Belle! Got me thinking that penises are wrapped in currency everywhere. Money is our greatest tool, next to “the tool” for oppression and control over others! Please keep up the good work!
Reblogged this on The Outside Girls Blog and commented:
I’m woefully uninformed when it comes to international politics, so I found this post extremely illuminating and entertaining. I hope you do too!
I agree! Very interesting to learn about!
When you uploaded nearly 10 paragraphs of sarcasm, did you say to yourself “Yes, this is indeed an accurate portrayal for my circumstances, and I feel this is a productive way of affecting change.” Unfortunately, your desperate attempts to feign the ridiculousness notion that the motivation for the cancellation of the Thérèse Casgrain Volunteer Award was misogeny, by writing this incredibly long sarcastic post, failed to prove anything other than how desperate you were to blame misogyny for this in the first place.
You failed to mention that it was also dissolved before under Brian Mulroney in 1990, 4 years before our first female (Prime Minister who’s cabinet didn’t re-institute the awards,) and it was not even for another 7 years after that, in 2001 by Crétien Liberals, at it returned. The cancellation literally moments before a $51,000 focus-group was proposed to weigh-in on a new “Prime Minister’s Volunteer Awards.” The current Prime Minister, as awful as he may be, dissolved the Thérèse Casgrain Volunteer Award, but with no evidence to claim this elusive misogyny you seem to find everywhere. It was otherwise, nothing more than arrogant, political self-interest.
But no, facts aside, you needed this to be about you and your sick fantasy that the world is out to get you, and the only way you could make this paranoid spaghetti stick to your wall was to boil it down to the sheer fact that because Thérèse Casgrain was a woman, she must be a victim of the system. And you did it with the over-the-top theatrics of what I suspect was supposed to be some sort of irony?
Any time Harper does something like this (see also: reopening but not-reopening the abortion debate) I worry that he’s trying to take the heat off of something larger. (Not that I think this is small potatoes, but I think he knows there will be some internet rallying and passionate news pieces that will take the three minutes something else e.g. a pipeline or two, might have otherwise gotten).
interesting post to say the least. a white male here in u.s.a and i am seeing so many feminists that are in big houses and nice cars, but very unhappy. And I feel for them because they had an important role once upon a time. The good thing is that the young females are starting to speak up- “I like when he calls me a young lady mom, I know I’m a woman, but it sits well with me” or “why shouldn’t I let him get the door for me and if he has the extra cash and I’m tight, he can buy me dinner, mom, and it means nothing” I only have one child and she is in her twenties now and she is very strong and very feminine. That’s a very attractive combo- this tough stuff is weak. And I’d rather go ice fishing.