When Getting Better Is No Longer An Option

27 Apr

Trigger warning for talk of suicide

I used to think that I would outgrow it.

I used to think it was just hormones. The same hormones that caused the constellation of angry red pimples on my face and back. The same hormones responsible for the dark, wiry hair between my legs and nearly unnoticeable A-cup-sized swell of my chest. I thought that once the hormones settled down, I would feel better. Normal. But even once I grew used to my new body, even once I hit my twenties and everything was supposed to level out, I still felt it. The same howling misery, the same blind, raging creature whose claws and teeth were sunk somewhere too deep to find, was still there.

I did not outgrow it.

I used to think that I would get better, if by getting better I meant being cured. I used to think that I would find the right combination of drugs and therapy and life choices to make this thing, whatever it was, go away. Or maybe I would just wake up one morning and it would be gone, instantly and inexplicably, the same way it had come. I thought that it might recede like the tide going out, and then, like a bare beach scattered with seaweed and shells, I would go back to being the person I’d been before, only with a few small relics left over from what I’d been through.

I did not get better.

I might never get better.

These past few months have been hard ones. Really hard. And I don’t know how to talk about this, except that I think I should. For the last weeks of March and the first few weeks of April I was suicidal. Suicide was all I could think about. I didn’t want to die, exactly, but I didn’t want to be alive, either, and I couldn’t think of any other option. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t read. I’d injured my hamstring, so I couldn’t really do yoga. I couldn’t string two thoughts together. I couldn’t even follow a conversation. All that I could do was get up in the morning and drag myself to work, and then drag myself home and cry. On weekends Matt would take over childcare, because I couldn’t get out of bed. Everything seemed awful, without any understanding of why it was awful. I felt like I’d come up against a brick wall, and all I could do was scratch at it until my nails broke and my fingers bled. I couldn’t imagine what the future would look like, other than more of the same but worse.

None of these are especially good reasons for being suicidal. But the thing about being suicidal is that you don’t need a good reason. You just are, and you don’t know how to get out of it. What makes it even worse is that you can’t talk about it – suicide is too big, too scary to bring up with your friends and family. And if you mention it to a health professional, well, I mean, forget it. All they want to do is lock you up so that you can’t do it (and rightly so), but they don’t seem to want to talk to you about the whys and hows of the way that you feel. Which means not only is everything awful, but on top of that you don’t have any kind of outlet. Because you don’t want the worry or the pity or the fear of the people around you.

So you just don’t talk about it.

Things are slowly improving now, but I know it will come back. That’s the funny thing – when I’m well, I’m constantly aware of it waiting for me, biding its time, sidling around me like a constant threat, and yet when I’m in the middle of a breakdown I can’t imagine that I’ll ever be ok again. When things are bad, the only thing that exists is the pain I feel. That is my only reality. While some part of me logically knows that it’s a cycle and eventually I have to come out of it, there is just no way to make myself believe that fact. The only fact I can trust in is how terrible everything is in that moment.

I’m learning to live with the fact that I am not going to get better, if by not getting better I mean that I am probably going to live with depression for the rest of my life. This thing, this goddamn soul-sucking thing, is not something that I can cut out, or drown, or poison. I can’t look at a CT scan and point out where it is. I can’t even really know anything about it, except that it lives inside of me and feeds off of me and leaves me aching and exhausted and so sad that sad isn’t even the right word for it. I don’t know what the right word is; maybe there isn’t one.

I’m also learning to live with the fact that I am never going to be the person I was before all of this started. I’m not even sure that it makes sense to want to be her anymore – she’s an absurdly hopeful little thirteen year old girl with no life experience and little understanding of how the world works. She’s the last memory I have of what I was like before this dark creature began nesting inside of me, and for a while I clung to her image as something that I could maybe someday achieve again, but I need to recognize that she’s gone. She’s gone and she is never, ever coming back.

Mental illness destroyed who I was. And I’m at a place now where I’m trying to recognize that that’s not a bad thing. I mean, I don’t think that it’s a good thing either. It’s just a thing. A fact. A truth. My family and I have had to adjust to this reality; we’ve had to mourn the loss of who I was and who I might have been, while at the same time accepting the person who was left behind. It’s a funny sort of thing, a weird feeling that I’ve somehow lived two lives – like a building gutted by a fire whose façade stays the same but whose interior, once restored, is entirely different.

I don’t know how to explain it any better than that.

So I’m learning to live like this. I’m learning to ask for concrete things – help with housework, help with childcare, help with routine daily tasks. I’m getting used to the idea of talking to my employer about my mental health, and negotiating the possibility of time off when I need it. I’m trying to be better about accepting the fact that sometimes I just need to lie in bed and do nothing. I’m trying to be better about accepting all of this, because fighting it tooth and nail has gotten me nowhere.

I’m trying to tell myself that I am not weak. I am strong, and I will get stronger. The person that I was might be gone, but this version of me, the one that exists now, is just as good as she was – mentally ill, yes, but kind, compassionate, smart, funny, and with so many people who care deeply for her. She, too, is worthy of love.

If you are depressed, experiencing suicidal thoughts or otherwise need someone to talk to, please call 1-800-273-8255

For international readers, here’s a database of crisis centres listed by continent

1926769_10154076149725215_518988513332983215_n

97 Responses to “When Getting Better Is No Longer An Option”

  1. Jason Creative April 27, 2014 at 2:55 am #

    stellar post; truly crisp. thank you;)

  2. annievalentina April 27, 2014 at 3:00 am #

    i love you so much, and you’re such an inspiration to me. this is true always – whichever part of the cycle you’re in, it is never, ever compromised. and for what it’s worth, you can always talk to me about any of this. ❤

  3. youngandtwenty April 27, 2014 at 3:01 am #

    This is my first post I’ve read from you but you sound like a strong person which is really inspiring. I know the internet and writing can be deceiving but your strength comes from your awareness. You know what’s going on, how it’s affecting you and how it will affect your future. As a result, I believe you have so much positivity ahead of you and an appreciation for the sunny days after seeing the dark 🙂

  4. rdra April 27, 2014 at 3:02 am #

    I wish I had some remarkable words of wisdom or a fantastic cure, but I just wanted to say that your post has moved me. I both admire and respect your for your honesty and for sharing your struggle. I especially impressed by your ability to reach out for help – many do not. Please keep sharing, I know you are helping others!

  5. Joe April 27, 2014 at 3:04 am #

    I can completely identify with that. My entire life has been that way, from the time I was 7-8 until now, in my mid-40’s. I thought it would eventually go away but it hasn’t. I can’t say I want to be dead. I just don’t have any desire to live. It’s not the same thing. I get almost zero enjoyment out of life. Talking to a professional just brings the problems you addressed, they can’t truly identify and just think putting you on mind-numbing drugs is the solution. It’s not. 20 years ago I got to the point I really thought I was going to hurt myself, so I told everyone how I felt. I figured I would force myself to either get help or just end it once and for all. Friends and family pushed me into getting help. The help came in the form of weekly sessions and being put on Paxil. Within a couple of weeks my sex life was ruined, the Paxil destroyed any ability to have sex. That followed with an overwhelming desire to harm someone else. Instead of wanting to just end my own life I suddenly wanted to hurt someone else – I had never felt that way in my life. Then I did it, I went out and attacked a stranger and promptly got caught. Luckily the stranger was not killed. I spent 5 years in prison, a confused train wreck trying to figure out what the hell happened. A few years after I was released I finally read that Paxil is now known to cause violent behavior, but at the time of my trial that was not known and I didn’t get any leniency from the court. So, cut to 20 years later. I’m just drifting through life. I don’t think any of my friends or family know how bleak I feel. I know at this stage of their lives most of them are married and unhappy in their own lives, but I don’t’ think at all that’s the same. I just have zero desire to live. Zero desire to participate in life. The things that used to make me happy I have no interest in anymore. I’m just burned out. I care for my elderly father who has dementia. That’s probably part of the problem, I have no help with that, it’s a 24/7 job. I get little sleep and the crazy stuff I see daily never ends. But I know that killing myself would leave my father on his own, which he can’t do, and even if he died or went into a nursing home, killing myself would really screw up my niece and nephew, not to mention the rest of my friends and family. We had a friend who killed himself and saw firsthand the devastation that does to a family. That’s what keeps me from doing it. I wish I could say hang in there, it gets better. It might in your case, who knows, but we should be real and accept our lives for what they are. I think once we do that we stop trying to be something else for others. The single word I hate the most is “smile”. People used to say that to me all the time, “just smile.” Yes, that fixes everything, right? Sorry to be bleak. I’ve never been able to tell anyone what I just wrote here. Anyway, best wishes. Try to find that thing that you can find happiness from, even if it’s short, at least it’s something.

  6. drheckleandmrjibe April 27, 2014 at 3:05 am #

    I think we’re at a similar stage in life. Thanks for writing this, I feel less alone knowing that someone else shares my exact misgivings, especially about the loss of a previous life. I’ve tried to approach my illness as a bump in the road, a blip on a continuum that is the narrative of my life. What I recently realised is that I have to stop assessing my life against the same criteria as I used to. This isn’t a bump on the road. In fact, I was never even on the road I supsected of having a bump in it. I cannot take anything for granted right now and I need to re-assess a lot of very basic elements of my life (Aspirations, desired outcomes, methods to achieve these things, e.t.c).

    Something I am gradually facing up to is that my ‘previous life’ never really existed. If the ‘normal’ life I had was working at all then I would never have achieved a diagnosis of my illness. I only THOUGHT I had the normal life of a mentally healthy person.

    The truth is that the only normal thing about my previous life was the plethora of ‘standard life’ expectations put on me and that I put on myself. Being unaware of being ill meant that I applied all the pressure on myself to behave in the way a sane person would and expect to achieve by the same formula the things that a healthy person achieves. I had a completely different set of tools, not appropriate for the job at hand and yet I kept plugging away in the trenches with everyone else, wondering why I felt like an imposter.

    This obviously couldn’t (and didn’t) work. There was always a discrepancy. My ledger never balanced up. I would periodically break down and say to myself: “Here I am again. Why can’t I make anything stick in life? Why can’t I get any traction?”.

    Thanks again for writing this. I hope to read more, keep it up! If you need to talk to anyone when it gets rough – drheckleandmrjibe at gmail.com. I’m going to set a skype account up for what I hope to be reciprocal support.

    All the best,
    H&J

  7. Sandra April 27, 2014 at 3:10 am #

    FIght it, be strong. You have an amazing attitude.

  8. syrbal-labrys April 27, 2014 at 3:11 am #

    Thank you for the honesty; I began to think of suicide at age 10. I compulsively gave myself causes to fight for to keep going. When I was in my mid-40’s my father suicided, and I watched the damage spiral outwards. I swore I would not go that way and leave that wreckage in my wake. I am 60 now, still often don’t want to live because I just want the hurting to stop. But I keep going, because I want to save others from hurting.

    You do get stronger. It is not the “better” I’m sure either of us hoped for — but it IS better than some sorts of worse.

  9. alchemicalmouse April 27, 2014 at 3:24 am #

    I think you might be me. It’s the exact same. Same timing, too.

    It’s good to know I’m not all alone in it.

    I’m sorry you’re here with me.

  10. Loni April 27, 2014 at 3:29 am #

    You absolutely nailed it. Thank you for putting it into the words I can’t manage.

  11. hatrbe April 27, 2014 at 3:30 am #

    It was only a few months ago, X-mas Day to be exact, that I had the fortitude to end my life. I half the gun. I was in the place I in which I wanted to be found. Then I called my ex-lover and my mom. Told them goodbye. My mom asked me to call the suicide hotline. I did, and as you can read, I’m still here.

    I’m bipolar with major depressive periods. When I’m low, I’m really low. Now, I’m using meditation, the help of an antidepressant, healthy eating, and Wicca to keep me at a level where I can enjoy my life and be happy.

    I encourage you to continue blogging. I find blogging helps me, almost like therapy. It’s hard and some people won’t ever get it, but know that some of us do.

  12. robinsetter April 27, 2014 at 3:51 am #

    Wow. You explained this feeling so well.
    It means so much to read the descriptions of other people dealing with this because I have so efficiently isolated myself that it sometimes seems like I am the only one. Thank-you.

  13. Juan Zung April 27, 2014 at 3:59 am #

    Thank you for your post. It is brave and lovely, as I imagine are you.

  14. Natalie April 27, 2014 at 4:05 am #

    Thank you

  15. justme3362 April 27, 2014 at 4:43 am #

    I’ve been in awe of your talent with words, and I’m also inspired by your strength in telling your story. I’m still listening!

  16. Mirza Usman April 27, 2014 at 5:39 am #

    Lovely

  17. theravensdesk127 April 27, 2014 at 5:48 am #

    Reblogged this on Writings From The Ravens Desk and commented:
    This is powerful and real and raw. I love how she is so honest and brave and forthright and plunges into the scary truth of the matter that is mental illness. Bravo.

    • Erin April 27, 2014 at 8:25 am #

      I love you. I hear you. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, but greatful at the same time that i am not alone in it.

  18. Maureen April 27, 2014 at 6:46 am #

    While you mourn for the young, happy self you left behind, please, please celebrate the lovely person you are now: a supremely talented, important writer. Your subject is terribly difficult, and you master it with ease and grace and dignity. I believe there is hope that we sufferers of depression can prevail as we learn more – but in fighting with such a fierce courage and such a unique literary gift, you are already IN THE LEAD. Thank you. Sending much love. Do not ever give up! Live a long life. I’m here, seeing beauty with you when you can.

  19. Leslie Kay April 27, 2014 at 7:39 am #

    Have a sis with same depression. Found relief using Ketamine nasal spray. Just a thought to pass on. Keep that fighting spirit!

  20. 2youth April 27, 2014 at 7:42 am #

    Getting through my last suicidal period was a huge step in my development and an affirmation to myself and my strength as a person. I know it will be back, and maybe even worse, but every time I get through it I feel stronger and that I learn something new and profound.

    It took me half my life to understand that I face different challenges than others, and I can’t base my standards for success on what others consider status quo, and the more I accept this, the more I give myself credit for what I’m up against, and realize how against all odds, the fact that I have survived, and more, makes me an incredible and unique individual.

    Along with treating depression to give the person suffering all the resources and support available, I believe we need to look beyond the mental health paradigm of an aberration to be eliminated so we can conform to what is expected by oF us by others. We need to respect it as a message that is forcing us to confront necessary change and understandings about ourselves and our lives.

  21. Anastasia April 27, 2014 at 7:48 am #

    This was so brave of you to write. Thank you for sharing your story, and sending huge hugs your way.
    x

  22. Sarah April 27, 2014 at 8:41 am #

    Thank you for sharing.

  23. MarinaSofia April 27, 2014 at 9:11 am #

    Very brave to be so open and honest about it. Yes, the thought that this is a never-ending cycle is a hard one to bear – I’m still struggling to come to grips with it and not to blame myself for the moments when I am truly low and suicidal. You give a voice to all of us who feel less able to talk about it – thank you.

  24. Toby April 27, 2014 at 9:30 am #

    Reblogged this on Speaker's Corner.

  25. kooyla April 27, 2014 at 9:51 am #

    That’s exactly how it feels. Thinking of you in solidarity.

  26. Lori Carlson April 27, 2014 at 9:54 am #

    You have given voice to everything that I have been pounding in my head for far too long. I am glad you have support. Accepting ourselves as we are now is all we can do. Unfortunately this nasty beast never goes away. Good luck! and I will be reading you again….

  27. Lori Carlson April 27, 2014 at 9:55 am #

    Reblogged this on Mindful Living for a Healthy Mind and commented:
    A struggle for acceptance, written beautifully.

  28. StephanieStephanie April 27, 2014 at 9:56 am #

    This is how it feels. exactly. it is such an interesting feeling reading these words and knowing the truth of it all inside me. It is a strange echo…I fought tooth and nail and it got worse and worse…Something that started to change the tide for me was the truth of that fact and the idea that I needed to stop fighting. I needed to acknowledge that this was a part of me and it would likely never go away…but I could stop treating it like the enemy, I could learn better how to live with it, to not let it effect me as strongly as the place that you are describing…I have barely begun this journey and still always feel it hovering there ready to overwhelm, it has been awhile working at it but it is better than it was. In case it has the possibility of improving the day to day for you like it has for me, though I hate being that person “have you tried this” etc…incorporating Mindfulness techniques in daily life and mindfulness meditation…has been huge. there are even books out there about mindfulness for depression if you want to have a look…no harm in opening a door 🙂 I wish you all the best through your journey with your ‘dark old friend.’ hugs.

  29. Kathleen April 27, 2014 at 10:29 am #

    I often share your posts with my friends and tell them that we are kindred spirits. This post, in particular the timing of it, only solidifies that for me. Thank you. Thank you for putting into words what has kept me awake the last many nights and asleep the last many afternoons. As strange as it may seem, this post gave me hope to grasp on to, in a pretty hopeless place.

  30. annabelmcquade April 27, 2014 at 11:09 am #

    This was a really powerful post and I loved it. All these subjects… well they’re not ones many people are willing to talk about, so I think it’s fantastic that you’re doing so. On another note, you write beautifully as well. Thank you.

  31. Andrea April 27, 2014 at 11:42 am #

    One day at a time. You are brave to name the elephant in the room my friend. Continue to be good to yourself. I have been in your shoes, so I can tell you it does get better

  32. Stephanie Ehlers April 27, 2014 at 12:38 pm #

    Oh, wow. I could have written this column. You’ve done a great job of describing my own experience, down to having been suicidal for the past couple of months. I’m working through it, but like you said, it never really goes away. {hugs} to you

  33. Elizabeth Hopkins April 27, 2014 at 1:34 pm #

    Hang in there..I’ve been hanging in for more than 30 years. I can’t say it gets better, but you kind of hold on for one reason or another. I have a great cat.

  34. rvraiment April 27, 2014 at 1:35 pm #

    I have walked a similar walk, continue to live primarily because I could not accept the responsibility for what suicide would do to those I love. Yours is a powerful post, well written and immensely supportive of others. For that, lovely lady, I thank you.

  35. makalove April 27, 2014 at 1:49 pm #

    Thank you for sharing this. I could have written it myself… except that I *do* now talk about it when I’m in it. About eight years ago I asked a group of my closest loved ones to consent to being a more active part of my emergency support system. With the help of those closest to me, I created a “mad map” – an explanation of my various mental states that might need intervention, what behaviors mark those states, and what I might need to get through them safely. There is now a group of folks who alert each other if I let one of them know that “I’m really not okay” (my code for needing help). They ensure that I’m not left alone if I’m in a place of not being able to take care of myself or keep myself safe. They know how badly I want to avoid going inpatient and what the absolute limits are that indicate I’m going to have to anyway. (Thankfully, we’ve not ever gotten to that point since I recruited them.) My therapist knows about them and how to contact them, and mostly approves of my plan.

    If you ever need someone to talk to who gets it and isn’t put off by talk of suicide, I am available.

  36. bluestgirlblog April 27, 2014 at 1:51 pm #

    Your blog has been an inspiration for when I am afraid to speak up. You are thoughtful, and kind, and brave, and incredibly strong.

  37. Tony Single April 27, 2014 at 2:44 pm #

    I am utterly moved by your words.

    Depression has been making me its bitch since my teens, and now at the age of 41, I get many days when I feel so tired of fighting it. Sure, I’m on meds and I’m seeing a psychiatrist, but these only do so much. I keep waiting for a cure that will never come.

    I sometimes even hope that I can be someone else for a day, just so that I can get some relief from myself. I have a stunted life because of this crap, and that’s something I often feel ashamed and embarrassed about.

    And yet, I keep on living. Living’s better than being dead, right? It’s got to be.

    Anyway, thanks. You did a great thing here by sharing your personal story. Really.

  38. Kathy April 27, 2014 at 2:53 pm #

    I expect by now you are aware there are so many of us out there living each day with similar feelings. Many of us hide it because of shame and embarrassment. You are an inspiration, finding the courage to share your story with us. I attempt to hold my demons at bay because I don’t want to hurt my loved ones by leaving this earth; you seem to cage your demons through the written word.I applaud you and your eloquence.

  39. jnpmadison April 27, 2014 at 3:14 pm #

    Thank you so much for your honesty and willingness to share so others can have at least a little insight and understanding.

  40. Melissa Adams April 27, 2014 at 3:21 pm #

    I can relate very very much to what you’ve written. If I could have asked someone to write for me about MY bad times, it would be this- what you’ve said and how you’ve said it. BiPolar Disorder and Anxiety are the mental illnesses that changed my life, but the names don’t matter so much as what they do. For so many years I would look at others and say, THEY can do xyz and abc and ydk all at the same time, why can’t I? Took a long time to understand why and even longer to accept it. Making peace with it is the task I am looking at now; this is who I am now, this is the life I have. This is what I can do. If I need more breaks than other people, if I need to sleep all weekend sometimes, that’s not a lazy or morally suspect choice; it is what I need to do to be able to live. I don’t make plans several days ahead unless I absolutely HAVE to – I have to allow for how I might not be feeling able to leave the house that day, or even get out of bed. It’s hard for friends to understand why I have cancelled plans so many times. I am trying to stay alive and ahead of the beast and to be as positive a presence for my family as I can be. I relate strongly to what rvraiment said above as well. Thanks for how incredibly brave you are to speak the unspeakable.

  41. mrsa122995 April 27, 2014 at 3:25 pm #

    Reblogged this on moodswinging on a star and commented:
    Saying things better by far that I could myself, but this is my truth too

  42. mrsa122995 April 27, 2014 at 3:30 pm #

    Reblogged on moodswinging on a star. So powerful and open, and you spoke my truth too. drheckleandmrjibe and rvraiment siad what I’d have tried to say too, better than I could. Thanks for your tremendous bravery.

  43. yvette April 27, 2014 at 4:08 pm #

    I see myself in all of you ,I had a great life but always wandering how i can be so healthy at the doctor and being tired all the time . I accomplish a lot ,2 beautiful kids , 2 business and i push myself threw all that time . Now at 50 i am in a close shell that want open .Almost like a prison .Had to sell my business .Can not work anymore . Yes i am only living because of my great husband and my 2 wonderful children. I do not want to be here anymore i just want the pain to go away .Bean diagnose with Fibromalgeria and Chronique Fatique and more .For me they are just words ,a name they put on so we stay quite . No cure they say. Pills Pills Pills they do not help ,for me they make it worst. Pills for my pain then there goes my anxiety .If i stop the pain one it hurts to much .I live in a fog with those pills .Side effect want to make me jump off a bridge. I am really having a hard time with this . I use to be beautiful thin smart .I do not recognized myself anymore .Someone else invaded my body. Every day i wake up and i feel like the biggest flu i ever had . I sleep all day and all night . That is the only place i am safe,and the pain in my joints dont hurt as much. The pain is so bad that i have a hard time walking ,yes doctor will say exercise . shit i did try more than once ,the pain is 3 time worst . I know a lot of you say we have to accept the way we are ,we will never be the same. I try believe me i tried. It is so hard to live in a body that your mine wants to do things but your body want follow. I am in a dark place ,i just want my life back . Please help do not worry i am not ready to take my life ,as you know we are to scare to do it Anxiety that is the definition for it . To scare to try it and would put myself in a worst situation , The worst thing for me is that life is passing me by . I even have a hard time getting out of bed to brush my teeth what a life . This is the first time i am sharing my thoughts ,i read a lot on the internet but was to scare to share so here it goes . I see i am not the only one with this .i am so tired of being alone in this .

    • yvette April 27, 2014 at 4:45 pm #

      Hi i am not done i needed a small break. To continue my conversation .I have more to share . I need to know what some of you did to ease the pain . I have been to so many doctors ,specialist and more .I tried them all even nutrient diet naturopath. i would need a full page to list them all. I am so feed up of them all. One specialist laugh at my face and told me it is all in your head. My last app was at a Fibromalgeria and Chronic Fatique specialist ,they said it was one of the best. I was crying all the way to my app .he decided to changed all my medication 1 for anxiety 2 pills for pain . As i was about to leave he said see you in 6 month. I started my medication i thought i was going to die or jump off a bridge . I tried to call no respond . I am so fed up that i have no hope that no doctor or nothing else can work. The worst part is to see all the people get up and go every morning .I was there once . I feel like a vegetable . I know i am very negative ,this is one of my bad days .I also want to share about a medication call Clonazepam, i was on that for a while ,it ended up for me to leave my wonderful husband and 2 children ,i wanted to desapear so i rented an appartment and cage myself for many month ,i didn,t want nobody to approch me ,i then desided to get off the med and return home , I became more anxiety then back on Clonsazepam i felt the same way i just wanted to desapear until my husband told me you are not yourself on that med so be careful Medication can have side effect ,just like the man who said he wanted to hurt someone else and ended up in prison. Wishing one of you can help me ease my pain , at lease i know you understand what i am going true .thanks for reading

  44. anotherkindofwoman April 27, 2014 at 4:31 pm #

    Reblogged this on Another Kind of Woman.

  45. swo8 April 27, 2014 at 6:18 pm #

    Please go for professional help. Your life is important, even to me and I don’t even know you. Depression can serve a purpose if you use it to make the changes in your life to find a focus that gives you meaning.
    Leslie

    • yvette April 27, 2014 at 7:26 pm #

      I went so many time for professional help ,even tried to admit myself to the hospital because i could not take it anymore they tell you to go see your doctor. I couldn,t stop crying that day i just wanted to die and went we got in the car my husband call my doctor and told her she needed to see me that i was in a bad situation she told him there was no place today if she had a cancelation that she would call. Do you see why there is no help .How can they understand what i am going threw if i do not know why my life is like this and want stop hurting..I have 2 perfect kids a perfect husband and still feel like this . Anxiety why me i do not feel the life i am living in should be in anxiety .It is my mind that want stop hurting .I was exercising 5 days a week and all of a sudden i am in a body that can not move I try every day to make changes but even taking a bath takes all my energie. Believe me i have been fighting this alone for over 20 years and more ,i recherched everything ,nothing works it only gets worst every day.. .I do not want to die but i do not want to live like this . It is a very dark place ,very scary one i just want to crall in a hole and stay there …

      • swo8 April 27, 2014 at 8:04 pm #

        Have you thought about talking this over with some religious, a Priest, Rabi, a Minister? You need to talk to someone about your spiritual anguish.
        For sure you will be in my prayers and I’m sure there are many followers that feel your pain too.
        Leslie

      • swo8 April 27, 2014 at 8:21 pm #

        I just have to add that amidst all that pain must be a lot of love for your husband and children. Please be strong for them. You will get through this.
        Leslie

      • swo8 April 28, 2014 at 3:23 pm #

        HI Yvette,
        I hope the sun is shining on you today. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
        Leslie

  46. Lee Gellatly April 27, 2014 at 8:44 pm #

    As someone who has gone through years of what you went through, and as someone who really believed that she would be forever miserable. As someone who constantly thought about suicide and was treated like a freak for even talking about it, I understand completely what you’re going through. What helped me get through my misery was getting out of my environment.constant changes in my environment so that I would never get the opportunity to become stagnant helped me tremendously.finding an outlet to express myself, like acting, also helped. But the best thing that I ever did for myself was to travel.sometimes when we are so miserable, we make our own situation worse by unconsciously looking for things that will make us feel even more miserable, at least that’s what I did without realizing it. It’s a very hard headspace to get out of, but you are very strong and beautiful woman with so much to learn and so much to offer. I have found in my case that depression came to me when I wasn’t being true to my heart’s desires in life. Dont give up yet. There are so many people out there who need to hear your story so that they Dont feel alone. You are not alone my dear. It DOES get better.I know you don’t believe me, but it does. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

  47. Vodka Blog April 27, 2014 at 10:25 pm #

    I’m not sure if you’ve ever seen Andrew Solomon’s TED talk on depression, but it helped me when I was struggling. I hope you haven’t seen it and I hope you watch it and it helps you, too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eBUcBfkVCo

  48. AmazingSusan April 27, 2014 at 10:44 pm #

    I’m sorry for your pain and I’m glad you continue to choose not to act on your suicidal thoughts. The world would be a lesser place without you and all those who share the same feelings. I hope you and they keep sticking around. Fight the good fight.

    • yvette April 27, 2014 at 11:08 pm #

      Thanks, you guys are helping a lot ,i feel that i am not alone in this. Yes i am really emotional crying while reading your message. Yes i have a lot of love for my husband and my 2 kids. They are the only one making me want to stay ..I also know it is very hard on them ,i some time think i am a burden to them but i know if i take myself out of there life they will be bruised forever that is why i live threw this pain every single day. It is not fair people always worry they do not have time enought in there life ,they say life is to short but with this pain every day i do not mean just anxiety ,also the pain that every muscle of your body hurts, even hard to walk hurts.For me living like this for the rest of my life is going to be a long long time with pain. We just need a cure for all of us that try every day to get better,i mean a miracle for us to go threw our life .A lot of people will say to me it could be worst ,yes i agree but ouf what a life to live in . I love you guys thanks for being there for me today you have no clue how i needed you .

  49. She Curmudgeon April 27, 2014 at 11:00 pm #

    You aren’t weak. You’re strong for knowing all of these things. It does come back, and sometimes it’s better & sometimes it’s worse, but if you can stick through it and keep what you’ve written here in your head, there is a worthwhile life to be lived in & around the bad times. Thank you for putting this out there.

    • yvette April 27, 2014 at 11:14 pm #

      Thanks She Curmudgeon yes today was one of my worst days ,thank god they are not always days like this one .like you said we have bad days and better days just this day ouf was so hard to get threw . thanks again ,xoxox it is so good to talk to someone like this who knows what i am going threw

  50. Cupcakes And Hoodies April 27, 2014 at 11:10 pm #

    I don’t know what to say. I feel for you so much. Though I cannot understand your situation wholly, I do understand the level of pain and sadness. Love you.

    • yvette April 27, 2014 at 11:17 pm #

      Thanks i will be ok i know i have you guys to help me now ,i do not feel so alone ,yes reading that you care for me ,yes again i am still crying .I will be ok tomorrow is another day and my husband my Angel i should say is coming home from work while we speek he now can take care of me for the rest of the day thanks

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: