Dear Aspiring Screenwriter

13 Mar

Dear Aspiring Screenwriter,

We are writing to thank you for the submission of your screenplay, The Common Life-Cycle of the Short-Beaked Garfish. We found it to be poignant and humorous with just the right touch of pathos, and feel that it is exactly the right fit for our studio. However, we do have a few notes about the protagonist Cate, and would like to see the following modifications made to the script:

– Name changed to something more “whimsical,” like Lula, Plum, Tulip or Pippa

– Tulip should have “quirkier” taste – maybe reads Salinger? Listens to “alternative” music? (Not too alternative)

– More emphasis on how “different” Tulip is and unlike other girls – should have a scene where she is dressed in feminine attire but holds her own drinking and trading lewd stories with the boys. Also maybe she drives a Vespa?

– Not sure why you describe Tulip as plain and “big-boned”????? Definitely should not be plain, unless in a girl-next-door or before-the-makeover sense. Audiences don’t respond to fat characters, unless in a humorous way. Should be no bigger than Jennifer Lawrence, maybe with her fresh-faced everywoman appeal. Viewers identify with Jennifer Lawrence.

– At least one scene where Tulip is lying on her couch in her underwear reading a book. Maybe David Foster Wallace to show her intellectual side?

– At least one scene where Tulip does something like jump into a lake fully-clothed to show how unconventional and care-free she is

– At least one sex scene – and no, the “awkward and uncomfortable blow job” she gives to the bartender in the bar bathroom does not count. Why does the scene end with her sharing a cigarette with him before she rejoins her friends? Why doesn’t she take him back to her place and then make him breakfast in the morning?

– Not sure that I buy Tulip as a full-fledged editor. Maybe an editor’s assistant? Seems more likely for a girl her age

– Definitely a vintage “feel” to Tulip’s look – full skirts (not too long), jewellery like you would find in your grandmother’s closet, “natural” looking makeup to emphasize her fresh-scrubbed beauty. Glasses with thick plastic frames for when she wants to be taken “seriously.”

– Maybe in the scene where Tulip is walking across the park describing her abortion to two of her close friends, some kids could be playing soccer nearby and accidentally kick the ball her way. Then she runs after it, and we see her doing some complicated footwork with the ball and running around with the kids for a few seconds before she kicks the ball into the net. Shows the ephemeral nature of life but also how quirky and unlike other people she is.

– Maybe instead of having an abortion she had a miscarriage? Or suffered the recent death of a family pet??? Not sure how abortion will play out with audiences, especially if she’s not consumed with regret. And really not feeling the line, “It was the easiest decision I’ve ever made.” Women don’t ever feel that way about abortion??

– Tulip seems to only have female friends?? Would like to see a male friend added to the mix, maybe someone who’s been in love with her for years and years. Maybe his name is Jack and he’s a sensitive, thoughtful writer type? Anyway how is Tulip going to drink with the boys if there are no boys.

– Not sure it’s believable that Tulip would break up with her boyfriend in order to pursue her career goals? She’s only an editor’s assistant after all. Maybe instead she could realize she has feelings for Jack?

– Instead of the “short-beaked garfish” maybe Tulip can be fascinated by butterflies. But quirky butterflies?

– Not sure why the script ends with Tulip boarding a plane by herself to Paris? Wouldn’t it be better if Jack went with her, and when they got there she helped him edit his book? No one goes to Paris alone

We very much look forward to reading your next draft! With these few small changes we really feel that we have a winner on our hands. Although of course little movies like this could never be our bread-and-butter (especially not with a female protagonist – that will eliminate at least half the population from wanting to see it), they are our labour of love and truly the work of which we are proudest. We very much look forward to producing The Common Life-Cycle of the Quirky Butterfly.

Kind regards,

Big Production Company


18 Responses to “Dear Aspiring Screenwriter”

  1. snailishknits March 13, 2014 at 2:36 am #

    Every film ever

  2. vjstracener March 13, 2014 at 2:56 am #

    This was wonderful. The sarcasm made me appreciate the sad reality you are pointing out to us here.

  3. Claire March 13, 2014 at 3:17 am #

    There’s no such thing as a big production company that takes unsolicited amateur scripts, let alone gives notes. But please tell us more of your insights about the film industry as a yoga instructor from Canada.

  4. neighsayer March 13, 2014 at 3:52 am #

    LOL. Bastards!

  5. Leeron March 13, 2014 at 6:30 am #


  6. JLO@WVoN (@JLOsm) March 13, 2014 at 8:41 am #

    oh, wonderful 🙂

  7. MarinaSofia March 13, 2014 at 8:46 am #

    I’m really not feeling that line, quoth the male producer. And definitely not big-boned! Yes, that’s why so many big film scripts feel very samey, and why sequels and prequels abound.

  8. vevacha March 13, 2014 at 11:31 am #

    WordPress needs to install an “applause” button so that I can press it.

  9. mfennvt March 13, 2014 at 1:14 pm #

    Brilliant. Thank you!

  10. Secondhand Surfer March 13, 2014 at 1:21 pm #

    I just have to say it-“no power”. It reminds me of my friend who always wanted to be tough, but just wasn’t. Because she had “no power”.

  11. Jennie Saia March 13, 2014 at 5:33 pm #

    You’re a genius. This is bitter, BITTER perfection. I am fascinated by your craft.

    • bellejarblog March 13, 2014 at 5:53 pm #

      I love that you think of it as my “craft” and not “random shit this girl puts on the internet” because really.

      • Jennie Saia March 13, 2014 at 5:56 pm #

        On Facebook, I’d call it the latter, and I’d still love it. But this – this is socially active ART, no two ways about it.

  12. A Voluptuous Mind March 14, 2014 at 1:21 pm #

    The segment about Jennifer Lawrence. Too bloody true.

    Perfect tone and I guffawed throughout (not a pretty tinkling giggle). Thanks!

  13. aqilaqamar March 16, 2014 at 1:07 pm #

    Reblogged this on Iconography ♠ Incomplete.

  14. saraspunza March 18, 2014 at 3:25 pm #

    Totally brillz! If we don’t have our sense of humour and our edgy bitterness, we have nothing…

  15. Burns the Fire March 20, 2014 at 3:23 pm #

    Painfully, hilariously, absurdly, obnoxiously TRUE.

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