Not That Girl

30 Jul

No, no, please don’t apologize. It was a good joke. Really funny.

Liquid panty remover. Hah. That’s great. I’ve never heard that one before! Oh man, that’s hilarious.

Don’t worry about telling jokes like that to me – I love those kinds of jokes. I’m not really the type to get offended, you know?

I mean, I’m not that kind of girl.

Like, I think that some people are just looking for things to get worked up over. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that, like, rape jokes are funny or anything. Not that I think your joke was a rape joke, because your joke was definitely funny, but, you know, rape-rape jokes for sure aren’t cool. On the other hand, people need to chill out. Like, there are so many things that are so much more degrading to women – I mean, look at the way that women are treated in the Middle East! If you’re gonna be outraged about something, you should be outraged about that, not a stupid joke.

I mean, do you really think that anyone hears a Daniel Tosh joke and goes out and rapes someone? No. That’s just not how it works.

I just don’t get why some people have to suck the joy out of everything. Like, I’m sorry if you don’t like that Robin Thicke song, but that’s you. I’m not going to apologize for listening to a fun pop song just because someone else doesn’t like the lyrics. I don’t see what’s wrong with the lyrics, anyway – people read way too much into everything.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that feminism is great and everything. I took women’s studies in college and I’m thankful for, like, Gloria Steinem or whatever, but isn’t it time we got past all that? I mean, all that negativity and bitterness and victimology – how are those things doing women any good? They’re not. Like, we have to live in the world with men, and that’s something you just can’t get away from. I think it’s better if we all just learn to get along, you know? That’s why I don’t call myself a feminist; that word is just so divisive. I don’t really like labels, but if I had to pick something I would say that I’m really more of a humanist. Because we’re all part of the human race, and we need to start acting like it.

I guess I just don’t feel like feminism does anything for me. Like, I feel way more empowered as a woman without it. I would rather think about how strong I am and all the things I can accomplish instead of blaming men or whatever for holding me back. Women are never going to get ahead if they’re stuck hating half their own species, you know?

And, I mean, I have friends that are feminist. I get where they’re coming from. I just think that some of these radical feminists go too far.

Like, I have friends who were raped. I used to volunteer in a rape crisis centre. I really do believe that rape culture is a thing. But I don’t think you can just wear whatever you want and drink a lot and flirt with guys and not see that as taking a risk. Of course no one deserves to be raped, but, well, rapists are out there and you have to protect yourself. Like even if you’re a good driver, you still wear a seatbelt, right? That’s just common sense. Because even if you drive safely, you can’t guarantee that everyone else will. You have to take precautions – we live in a dangerous world.


I mean, I guess.

Yeah, that makes sense. Maybe rape culture is the wrong way to put it.

You’re right, I can see how that was a logical fallacy. Thanks for pointing that out.

No, seriously, thanks. I mean it. I’m not touchy like some girls – I don’t mind if anyone, guy or girl, lets me know when I’m wrong. How else am I going to learn, right?

Yeah, I totally get why you might have thought that I was being sarcastic. Lots of girls would probably get pretty worked up over being called out like that. I mean, Jesus, girls are crazy. I’m not embarrassed to say that, because it’s true. Especially during that time of the month. God, if you think it’s bad being a guy and having to deal with us, try being a girl surrounded by other girls. I mean, I love my girlfriends, but sometimes I just can’t deal with the crazy anymore.

Like, girls are so fucking catty. We’re just really fucking mean to each other. We tear each other down way more often than men do. Maybe feminists should start fixing how women treat each other before they worry about how men see us. I mean, charity begins at home, right?

No, yeah, you’re right. Charity was the wrong word. God I’m so stupid tonight.

Thanks for being so patient with me.

I guess I just meant that we need to fix our own problems first. I really think that that’s what feminists or whoever should be devoting their energy to. But they won’t, because they don’t want to admit that maybe not all of our problems are because of men.

I mean, I love men. Like, this, right now? Sitting with you? This is really great. We should get another drink, I’m really having a lot of fun just sitting here talking with you. Just one of the guys, right?

Yeah, sure, you can order for me. Go ahead and pick whatever, I can handle it.

No, whiskey is great! I love whiskey. On the rocks. Isn’t that what they say? On the rocks?

Aren’t they always drinking whiskey on Mad Men? God, I love that show. I wish I could live back then, you know? I mean, other than the racism or whatever, it looks like it was pretty great.

I just – I don’t get girls who think that things are so much better these days. Like, I guess it’s good to have options, but sometimes I think we have too many options now. I think it would be so much easier just to have to look good and marry someone nice. Imagine how great it would be to be a housewife! And always have men opening doors for you and being polite to you. And oh god the clothes – I could wear the shit out of those clothes.

I mean, I get that it was bad back in the early 1900s when women couldn’t vote or own property, but, like, after that things were pretty good for women. Sometimes I think that women in the 1960s or whatever didn’t know how good they had it.

I don’t think women will ever know how good they have it. Like, I think we’re just hardwired to be dissatisfied. We all just want to have our cake and eat it too. It’s crazy. I mean, you never hear men talking about how they want to “have it all”, you know?

Sorry, you’re right, air quotes are really corny. I have to remember to stop doing that.

No, yeah, you’ve got a good point. This is a pretty heavy topic for a Friday night. We should talk about something else. Tell me another joke!

That first joke was really funny, tell me another one like that.

Make it as offensive as you want, it won’t bother me.

Because I’m not like that. I’m not that kind of girl.

Don’t you think I’m a different kind of girl?


55 Responses to “Not That Girl”

  1. Stephanie July 30, 2013 at 3:07 am #

    I wish you were my real life friend. You are awesome.

    • bellejarblog July 31, 2013 at 2:43 am #

      Aww thanks! That sounds like it would be lovely 🙂

  2. Sarah July 30, 2013 at 3:10 am #

    ohhh man, there are a lot of people who need to read this. I can’t tell you how tired I am on this kind of shit. But this not only hit the nail on the head, but your sarcastic tone made me smile. Thanks 🙂

    • bellejarblog July 31, 2013 at 10:02 pm #

      Hah thanks! And yeah, I see this kind of thing a lot. I think that probably most women go through this phase…

  3. Kathleen July 30, 2013 at 4:36 am #

    Wish this was exaggerated. Well played.

    • bellejarblog July 31, 2013 at 10:00 pm #

      Yeahhhh. I also wish I’d never been as much like the girl in the post at certain points in my life.

  4. mathandphysicstutor July 30, 2013 at 4:56 am #

    Really interesting. What an awesome post. I hate to admit this because I feel dumb, but I can’t tell whether you were being serious, and that feminism and over-reacting about stuff is annoying, or whether you were actually being sarcastic (satirical?) and saying that the degradation of feminism (saying that people make too big a deal about feminism) is bad. I actually like that i can’t tell though, because it’s interesting, and I sort of could see both points of view.

    • earthedangel July 30, 2013 at 2:50 pm #

      It is definitely satire/satirical. I’m glad you’re exercising your brain in a non-physics way by thinking about “both points of view”, but there is an answer here. Check out her tags, and also her body of work, if you doubt. 🙂

      • mathandphysicstutor July 30, 2013 at 5:07 pm #

        Ah thanks. Yeah, I’d only ever read her blog once before.

    • bellejarblog July 31, 2013 at 10:05 pm #

      It’s definitely meant to be satirical, but all the arguments presented (about feminism being divisive, victimology) here are things I’ve heard people say. It’s interesting that I was able to make you see both sides of the debate!

  5. academoiselle July 30, 2013 at 5:11 am #

    This was awesome — so headdeskingly true!

  6. Lady Disdain July 30, 2013 at 6:34 am #

    This. Is. Perfection.

  7. EL July 30, 2013 at 6:36 am #

    Brilliant. Seriously intelligent, it’s just brilliant. Congratulations and ‘bravo’ to the author for being that real type of girl..

  8. Aardra July 30, 2013 at 7:52 am #

    Sister!! That just rocked my world!! Please keep writing!!

  9. Susan July 30, 2013 at 10:51 am #

    awesome, I was raised “a good girl in the 60’s”, I so get this, I so see how many of us from that time, and sadly young girls today, believe just like this, how it all gets perpetuated. How its so ingrained that you have “mathandpyhiscstutor” asking is this posting sarcastic or not? I picture the guy in your story just sitting back with a smug smile on his face saying “atta girl”. Brilliant.

  10. gingeralicia88 July 30, 2013 at 1:47 pm #

    I love this post. Very interesting!

  11. ryanfhughes July 30, 2013 at 1:54 pm #

    What did the brutal satire say to the face? SLAP

  12. Quinnifer July 30, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

    So unless someone thinks exactly like you do, they’re obviously trying too hard to prove they fit somewhere? Say into a world where men appreciate them. This is as much of a pigeonhole as that whole real women are not a size four shit.

    Real women are women. Period.

    Maybe re-read this when you sober up.

    • ryanfhughes July 30, 2013 at 5:25 pm #

      It’s interesting that you read this as an attack on the woman speaking. I felt like the critique was directed more at the silent man.

      But hey, good you got a little personal dig in there. That was pretty real.

      • HeatherN July 30, 2013 at 5:41 pm #

        Exactly. I read this as a critique/indictment of the person (presumably a man) who has placed the speaker (who is a woman) in the position in which she feels the need to say the things she’s saying.

        Over explaining takes out the humour…but yeah, it’s all about how screwed up it is that women are meant to feel that they need to put down other women in order to prove that they “aren’t like most women,” as if somehow being like most women is a bad thing…particularly if you’re like a feminist woman.

    • bellejarblog July 31, 2013 at 2:22 am #

      Yeah, as others have mentioned, it’s meant to be a critique of the ways that women are made to feel that they have to say certain things – especially things that are critical of other women – in order to appeal to men.

      I’ve been the girl in this post. I think a lot of women, maybe even most women, have been the girl in this post. It’s a survival tactic and it’s gross and most women grow out of it, but it’s still definitely something that happens.

      • Jupp July 31, 2013 at 7:36 pm #

        Other than the apologising and admitting to being wrong, the expectations you describe here, are things that are expected of men and essential to be seen as a man. This confuses me, are you blaming men for treating women as if they were men? As I understand, feminists call how society treats “men male privilege”. Is having male privilege hence a disadvantage?
        I am not trying to argue, that men have it worse than women, or even that they have it bad because of their gender, but that those expectations you describe in your post, are requirements in our society to be seen as potentially competent, independent and strong.

      • Tom August 1, 2013 at 1:24 pm #

        Not just women – I went through this phase in relation to being gay, and just as with women a big part of it was being made to feel I had to say certain things to be accepted by straight folk.

        “Oh no, I’m not one of THOSE gays who goes on about it all the time – in fact I never mention it unless directly asked, no point in rubbing it in people’s faces, right? And I’m pretty sure most of them are putting on the campness as an act… it’s fair enough to hate camp gays – because they are TRYING to be that way… Oh, but why would I be offended? Calling something shit ‘gay’ is a different meaning of the word now! I think in some ways gay rights has gone too far – can’t we just ignore it now?” etc.

        Thanks for a great (and refreshingly subtle) post. I’m really glad that you admitted to once/at some point being that girl – I was certainly that gay – It does us no favours to make caricatures of our ‘enemies’, or to even see them as enemies rather than as naive people with misplaced good intentions.

  13. The Real Cie July 30, 2013 at 2:03 pm #

    Reblogged this on The Cheese Whines and commented:
    Daniel Tosh makes me want to stab him thousands of times with an ice pick, and then gather everyone who thinks he’s funny in a room and take a chainsaw to them.
    I hope that wasn’t too violent of me to say. I mean, I wouldn’t want anyone to mistake me for a misandrist or something! 😉

    • Killingdanse July 31, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

      Unfortunately you would have to hunt the people who write for him. He really doesn’t have an original thought in his brain.

  14. theasceticlibertine July 30, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

    I wish you would film this as a monologue and post it somewhere–it’s brilliant. Brilliant!

    • bellejarblog July 31, 2013 at 2:25 am #

      Hah I’m not sure that I would be any good at that, but it’s definitely an idea.

      And thank you!

  15. NS July 30, 2013 at 2:30 pm #

    “I think we’re just hardwired to be dissatisfied”. Brilliant! True! Tragic!

  16. earthedangel July 30, 2013 at 2:42 pm #

    I believe I have said every single thing you’ve written here, in all seriousness. 😦 I have since seen the light/privilege/patriarchy and am a proud and vocal feminist now. But damn. Reading these was like reliving all my 20s. And I want to reach back in time and tell that woman I was to stop clamoring for (sexist) men’s approval, and can’t you see how destructive that is to your very SELF? They will never love you that way, and even if they do, why would you love them?
    Thank you for writing this. I was kind of hoping for a turnaround at the end there, so that anyone who currently thinks this way can see why it’s so fucked up. But I like the way you ended it.

  17. Sin City Siren July 30, 2013 at 3:09 pm #

    Reblogged this on The Sin City Siren and commented:
    Thank God for The Belle Jar.

  18. mfennvt July 30, 2013 at 3:38 pm #


  19. Rosie July 30, 2013 at 5:16 pm #

    Reblogged this on FEMBORG.

  20. danielleparadis July 30, 2013 at 5:32 pm #

    Reblogged this on Danielle Paradis.

  21. HeatherN July 30, 2013 at 5:42 pm #

    Reblogged this on A Radical Centrist.

    • Mosey July 30, 2013 at 7:40 pm #

      You go girl! There’s a lot that can be the object of humour in this world, free thinking people would say anything, but one area free speech doesn’t belong anywhere near is women! Women are always right and good and men have no place saying insulting things, like calling them pretty or kissing them without express written permission signed by a judge.

      • Laughing Giraffe August 4, 2013 at 2:40 am #

        Isn’t it just awful how feminists are getting people arrested for telling sexist jokes, instead of using *their own* free speech to tell those people why their behaviour is unacceptable?

      • bellejarblog August 4, 2013 at 4:36 pm #

        When was anyone ever arrested for telling a sexist joke? Seriously, though.

      • Laughing Giraffe August 4, 2013 at 5:17 pm #

        I was being sarcastic in response to Mosey.

      • bellejarblog August 4, 2013 at 6:38 pm #

        Gah, sorry – the page that I replied from didn’t show the threading of the comments. WELL don’t I have egg on my face now?

      • Laughing Giraffe August 4, 2013 at 9:42 pm #

        No worries. 🙂

      • Mosey September 19, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

        Ha. Epic fail on both your parts there ladies. Nice try.

  22. nikimcr July 31, 2013 at 6:07 am #

    Reblogged this on work it retro-style and commented:
    This sounds so familiar, I felt I had to be like this in my teens and early 20s, and ‘feminism’ was a dirty word!

  23. Katie August 1, 2013 at 1:21 am #

    Thank you. ❤

  24. David Evans August 1, 2013 at 3:21 pm #

    Added you to my bookmarks.
    Read your Sylvia Plath quotes.
    Read “Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously near to wanting nothing.”
    Can’t decide whether to laugh or cry.
    Both, I suppose.

    • bellejarblog August 1, 2013 at 7:05 pm #

      Thank you!

      And I agree – that Plath quote has exactly the same effect on me.

  25. girlseule August 2, 2013 at 10:41 am #

    Wonderful, so spot on.

    • Dorian Hawkins August 2, 2013 at 12:34 pm #

      This is great. Thing which really gets me is how blind I was to rape culture. As a straight white male, I suppose I was kind of only vaguely aware of it until I read a really great blog post someone made.

      I believe that the issue really is educating men and women not to perpetuate or contribute to rape culture because ignorance really is a huge contributing factor. That and the rapists.

  26. bookmole August 20, 2013 at 10:19 am #

    Wonderful writing. Truthful sentiments. Loved every word of it.

  27. bookmole August 20, 2013 at 10:19 am #

    Reblogged this on Bookmole's Blog and commented:
    Just read, OK. It’s beautiful and moving and funny and true.


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