13 Ways To Survive A Hangover

12 Apr

1. Stay in bed. Hunker down under the covers. Read Sheila Heti’s How Should A Person Be? and highlight the passages that you feel specifically apply to your life. Eat too many cookies. Let your cat lick your face clean, but stop her when she tries to groom your eyebrows.

2. Practice your humble-yet-flattered face in the mirror. Smile with genuine warmth, but look down bashfully. Shrug nonchalantly and say thank you, then quickly change the subject. Remind yourself that this is what you should be doing when people compliment you, instead of rolling your eyes and making a self-deprecating joke.

3. Don’t answer the phone. Don’t turn on the news. Don’t read any articles whose headlines contain the words government, statistics or attachment parenting

4. Make a list of potential titles for the memoir that you might someday write, e.g. My Heart Is An Autumn Garage, Everything Is Overrated, or The Blunder Years. Wonder why no one appreciates your clever Salinger references or your hilarious puns.

5. Write a letter to Simone de Beauvoir that begins,

Dear Simone, 

I wish you were still alive so that you could teach me to do my hair like yours. You always looked great.

Listen, I’m sorry Camus was such a dick to you, but let’s be honest, between him and Sartre, he was the better writer.

6. Look at pictures of baby otters:

zoo_baby_otters1

Or else this picture of a kitten cuddling a potato:

enhanced-buzz-18077-1365181268-6

7. Make a list of underused words that you love, and pledge to include them more often in your everyday vocabulary. These words might include bivouack, erstwhile, mawkish, hullaballoo, skullduggery, caterwaul, quotidian, skedaddle, peripatetic, zeitgeist.

8. Resist the urge to think about the future, dissect your failings or re-evaluate your life choices.

9. Invite your sister over. Drink fancy tea together. Watch Stand By Me and discuss what it would be like to a) live in 1950s America, b) have testicles, and c) discover a giant leech attached to said testicles.

Stand-By-Me-stand-by-me-31497936-245-170

10. Allow yourself wallow in whatever form of misery you currently feel like indulging in, for example self-pity, hopelessness or despair. Sure, your pain is self-inflicted, wallowing won’t help anybody, and you should just buck up and do something productive, but let’s be honest: that’s not going to happen today. And giving yourself permission to feel like crap is better than being angry at yourself for feeling bad, and also still feeling bad.

11. Hide your favourite pants, which now smell of gin, olives and regret, at the bottom of the laundry basket so that you don’t have to gag every time you walk by them.

12. Read your old journals. Marvel that your twenty-year-old self wrote the following:

This is the kind of love where you can be sitting watching a movie with someone and look over at them only to find them looking back at you, and you know in that instant that they were going to say exactly what you were going to say, so that in the end no actual words have to be exchanged. Maybe it’s not the most exciting kind of love, but sometimes it’s all that we’ve got.

And this:

If you can’t make it good or beautiful, at least make it interesting.

And this:

I’m lonely here, and I’m not tough enough for this neighbourhood – its inhabitants can see right through my translucent skin to my uncertain heart.

13. Swear that you will never, ever drink again.

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24 Responses to “13 Ways To Survive A Hangover”

  1. annesquared April 12, 2013 at 3:25 am #

    I can’t remember the last one – maybe it’s time to try again 😉

  2. lisa thomson April 12, 2013 at 3:27 am #

    Great ideas. I would be unlikely to make it past #1 though. Under the covers is where I end up with the dreaded hangover.

  3. mieprowan April 12, 2013 at 3:43 am #

    Get advice from alcoholics. Or just stop drinking. Or don’t.

    If you can rationalize yourself into drinking, you can rationalize yourself out of drinking.

    Or not.

    In any case, you’re cool IMHO.

    • AmazingSusan April 12, 2013 at 4:20 am #

      re 7) add: “bullfuckery” stolen by my FB friend Georgia Lewis (who BTW has a great new blog called on On The Cars) from a friend of hers who originally coined it.

      re 13) ho hum, everybody since Christ was a cowboy has been doing that LOL 😛

      14) visit my virgin WP blog http://amazingsusan.com/ which is I know not quite up to snuff yet, but which will get MUCH MUCH better as time goes on and you will regret not being amongst the first to follow it because you know it’s cool to be an innovator, or at least it used to be 😉

      15) eat greasy KFC. Believe me it works. #TheVoiceOfExperience (Hey, maybe I should rename my new blog that? Or is it too arrogant? I am 57 after all and I do have a lot of it… or maybe I’m just full of it LOL)

      Nice post dahhhling

  4. mieprowan April 12, 2013 at 3:44 am #

    Reblogged this on There Are So Many Things Wrong With This and commented:
    I liked this.

  5. Arcee E April 12, 2013 at 3:50 am #

    This sounds like “How to survive any day, ever.” Except for maybe the alcohol-specific stuff.

  6. jacqiebrooks April 12, 2013 at 3:59 am #

    This is beautiful. Thanks for that. PS. I use “zeitgeist” pretty much every day; I’m a fashion student currently, and my fashion professors are all about the zeitgeist.

  7. AmazingSusan April 12, 2013 at 4:21 am #

    re 7) add: “bullfuckery” stolen by my FB friend Georgia Lewis (who BTW has a great new blog called on On The Cars) from a friend of hers who originally coined it.

    re 13) ho hum, everybody since Christ was a cowboy has been doing that LOL 😛

    14) visit my virgin WP blog http://amazingsusan.com/ which is I know not quite up to snuff yet, but which will get MUCH MUCH better as time goes on and you will regret not being amongst the first to follow it because you know it’s cool to be an innovator, or at least it used to be 😉

    15) eat greasy KFC. Believe me it works. #TheVoiceOfExperience (Hey, maybe I should rename my new blog that? Or is it too arrogant? I am 57 after all and I do have a lot of it… or maybe I’m just full of it LOL)

    Nice post dahhhling

  8. AmazingSusan April 12, 2013 at 4:22 am #

    oops, double posted. I’m a WP virgin. Virginity is vastly overrated 🙂

  9. setinmotion April 12, 2013 at 5:45 am #

    All this time I thought I was the only one who made obscure Salinger references. Thank goodness I’m not the only person who gets jilted by this.

  10. Sarah D. April 12, 2013 at 12:08 pm #

    I do have to say I have yet to meet the person who says #13 during a hangover and actually sticks to it lol … but there’s a first time for everything. 😉 Good luck and I hope you’re feeling better today.

  11. scotsman April 12, 2013 at 12:57 pm #

    Hung over, too … not nearly as articulate. Aauuughhh.

  12. southsidesocialist April 12, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

    Cheesy beans on toast, Irn Bru and a Buffy box set

  13. theresapr April 12, 2013 at 5:13 pm #

    Reblogged this on lemieuxprblog and commented:
    Good advice for all, really.

  14. notyourwifey April 12, 2013 at 5:19 pm #

    Reblogged this on The Not-So-Desperate Houswife and commented:
    Advice anyone can use, but definitely aimed at the ladies.

  15. Francesca April 13, 2013 at 4:12 pm #

    Hangover too, thanks for telling me what to do, I’m not thinking, you know.

  16. Clarissa April 13, 2013 at 5:40 pm #

    How funny – I did that with Sheila Heiti’s book, ended up highlighting every line and facebooking her. I LOVE that book. HATE hangovers though.

  17. She Curmudgeon April 15, 2013 at 12:47 am #

    The hullabaloo of that hangover was worth it for those diary entries and the book recommendation. Thank you.

  18. Quinn April 15, 2013 at 4:43 am #

    Cat breath and mirrors are two things I avoid when I’m hungover. In either case, it usually results in a mad dive for the toilet.

    I tend to get massive migraines when I drink too much. My hangover cure is very simple.

    1. Brain. Off.
    2. 1960s twilight zone reruns. On.
    3. Tylenol. In.
    4. Bake at about 98.6 degrees for six hours.
    5. Then insert Burger.

    Throughout this process, continuously add water. DO NOT SHAKE OR STIR.

    Do not drive or operate heavy machinery unless it comes with a remote.

    Do not, under any circumstances, take a call from anyone named Mom. You’ll have to start the whole process over again.

    • Darla April 19, 2013 at 11:13 pm #

      Thanks for the help quinn.

  19. adventurousnutmeg June 8, 2013 at 7:24 pm #

    You’re so funny and your rants are awesome.

  20. Ariadny November 21, 2013 at 2:49 am #

    This is a brilliantly written piece Anne. 🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    […] 13 Ways to Survive a Hangover […]

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