Nostalgia Machine: On Re-Watching Girl, Interrupted

1 Apr

Those of you who are fairly new to my blog may not know this, but on days when I’m not busy kicking the patriarchy square in the nuts or deconstructing inaccurate Facebook memes, I like to indulge in a little bit of nostalgia. Well, maybe a lot of nostalgia. Then I tweet extensively about my my indulgences, and sometimes end up writing about them here.

Which is all to say that I re-watched Girl, Interrupted the other night and now I want to talk about it.

I saw Girl, Interrupted in theatres, when it first came out, and it gave me a lot of Feelings. Actually, it gave me one main Feeling, namely that I basically was Winona Ryder’s character, if slightly less gamine and winsome. I mean, I was a depressed teenager who had a) frequently contemplated suicide, b) felt lonely and isolated, and c) wrote obsessively in serious-looking leather-bound journals. Of course I identified with the film version of Susanna Kaysen.

Every single scene, every thought, word, and action in that movie struck me as being perfectly, achingly true. Every time Winona Ryder looked at the camera with her wide, tearful eyes, every time her mouth trembled with emotion, every time she stared sadly off into the middle distance, I thought, yes. Yes, I get this.

Then, a few years ago, I bought Girl, Interrupted on DVD, fuelled by memories of how important it had been to me. But after watching it for less than an hour I had to turn it off. It was awful, unbearable even. The performances were overwrought, the dialogue ridiculously, almost comically, dramatic. I was embarrassed that I’d ever even liked this movie, let alone identified with the main character. I put the DVD back in its case, stuck it on the shelf and didn’t touch it again.

Or rather, I didn’t touch it until earlier this week, when Catherine, my sister and frequent accomplice in nostalgic endeavours, suggested that we watch it. Sure, I said, figuring that I could hate-watch it and then later make fun of it. Maybe we could even invent a drinking game, like, take a shot every time Susanna cries over how hard it is to be a white, middle-class American. Hilarious, right? I mean, right?

Except that on re-watching Girl, Interrupted, I discovered that it had, in the last five years, somehow gone past bad and straight back to good again.

At its core, this film isn’t really about mental health, or suicide, or Susannah Kaysen’s stay at the famed McLean Hospital. I mean, of course it is about all of those things, at least peripherally, but at its heart it’s about friendship. Specifically, it’s about a sort of intense, parasitic friendship that seems to exist only between young women, those deceptively bright, canny girls just on the cusp of entering the adult world.

And maybe this isn’t the type of friendship that every girl experiences. Maybe this is just me, projecting my own pathetic history onto the blank canvas of Winona’s smooth, perfect face. Maybe I’m the only one who sees this when I watch this movie. But I know that this is a type of friendship that I’ve engaged in not just once but over and over, and maybe I still do, to this day. It’s possible that it’s a pattern that will play out for the rest of my life, or at least until I grow up and finally get some sense knocked into me.

Can you believe that I’m thirty and still talking about growing up in the future tense?

The dynamics of this specific type of friendship are as follows: half of the friendship, let’s call her Girl One, is a strong, loud, brash character who doesn’t give a shit about what anyone thinks, says whatever’s on her mind and gives very little thought to the consequences of her actions. The other half is someone, call her Girl Two, who is almost the photographic negative of the first – quiet, reserved, terrified of how other people see her.

Think Peppermint Patty and Marcie from Peanuts, except amplified, grotesquely exaggerated.

When I say that this friendship is parasitic, maybe what I really mean is that it’s symbiotic. As a lifelong Girl Two, I’ve always thought that I needed Girl One more than she needed me, but I wonder, now, whether that’s true or now. Maybe we’ve needed each other in equal amounts. I’ve needed someone to act out all of the things that I would never, or could never, dare to do, someone whose own loud voice might give me permission to raise mine, someone who would never sugarcoat whatever they wanted to tell me. But perhaps my friends, in turn, needed someone to occasionally hold them back, someone to steady them, someone who would listen to them and not pass judgment.

The truth is that I don’t know why or how much these other girls loved or needed me, but I do know that I loved and needed them with an intensity that sometimes bordered on obsessive. Because these girls, these loud, strident girls, had both a popularity and notoriety (not that my teenage self could differentiate between the two) that I could only dream of. People either fiercely loved or passionately hated these girls; as for me, they didn’t even bother to notice that I existed.

But these girls noticed that I existed.

And the fact is that as much as I like to think that I’m the type to stand up for what I believe in, the type to shout down the misogynists, the racists, the homophobes, the transphobes, I still sometimes need someone to give me a push. I need someone to raise their voice first, show me how it’s done, teach me not to be afraid. Because for whatever reason, these gifts don’t exist inside of me, or if they do, they lie perpetually dormant, and need to be awakened again and again and again.

On my own, I am not good at challenging authority. Not really. I need other people, people like Angelina Jolie’s character Lisa, to egg me on. And, much like Winona Ryder’s Susanna, I’m not always good at figuring out when the Lisas in my life have gone too far. I put too much trust in them, and then end up places, sometimes frightening places, that I never intended to be. I let myself be blinded by love, or at least by longing and envy, and don’t notice that some of these Lisas are downright bad news. Or rather, I don’t notice until it’s too late.

So yeah, maybe at thirty years old I do still get Susanna. Maybe there are more layers to the similarities between us than I’d originally thought.

And all that absurd dialogue and overwrought acting? This time around, they seem to me to be a painfully realistic portrayal of how teenagers actually behave. When you’re in your teens, everything that you feel is so intense, so immediate, so overwhelming that you can speak only in terrible, laughable clichés. My mother has always said that teenagers are like toddlers with better language skills, and now, watching my son struggle to express frighteningly huge emotions with his sadly inadequate vocabulary, I’ve realized how right she is.

I’ve realized that when I watched Girl, Interrupted a few years ago, what embarrassed me the most was the idea that at one time I might have spoken or acted in any way that resembled Susanna. Surely, even as a teenager, I’d been too smart, too articulate to ever behave so pretentiously. But the truth is that I was ridiculously, probably amusingly, pretentious. I just didn’t recognize this trait because all of my peers were just as overwrought and dramatic as I was.

All of this is to say that I’m now back at a place in my life where I can like, maybe even love, this movie, if only because it seems like a neatly preserved time capsule of how I thought and felt half a lifetime ago. I remember what it was like to be where Susanna was. To suddenly find yourself at the end of high school faced with choices, choices, choices, and yet not to see any of them leading anywhere. When I was a teenager, I lived in terror of being “normal,” because I worried that choosing a normal path and ending up with a normal life would make me just as grey and miserable as all of the adults that surrounded me. There would come a time, of course, when having a normal life and a nuclear family and a nine-to-five job would seem wonderfully, almost exotically appealing to me, but that came much later. When I was in high school, I didn’t understand that opting out had its costs, some of which, it turned out, I wasn’t willing to pay.

And sometimes I miss my teenage self, because even if she lacked her own voice, she still somehow managed to be totally steadfast and uncompromising in her beliefs, even if those beliefs made her feel miserable and isolated. But mostly I’m just glad that I’ve learned how to trade off one thing for another, to give a piece of myself away in order to be able to keep a different part that is more necessary, more valuable. I’m grateful to the Lisas in my life who have taught me when to stand up mouth off and, somewhat by extension, when to sit down and shut up. I’m thankful for every time I’ve had to learn the lesson that it’s important not to trust the Lisas out there too implicitly, and that I need to learn how to think for myself. It’s a hard lesson, and one that it feels like I’ve had to learn often, but it’s a good one.

Mostly, though, I’m glad that I’ve found my way to where I am.


15 Responses to “Nostalgia Machine: On Re-Watching Girl, Interrupted”

  1. hitandrun1964 April 1, 2013 at 3:20 am #

    LOL…I’m the loud, picket line, in your face, making noise person. All of my best friends have been quiet and afraid to speak up/out. Frustration aside (for both sides), I push them forward and they pull me back. Seriously, it works.

    • bellejarblog April 1, 2013 at 2:30 pm #

      If you get into a good symbiotic relationship, it definitely works!

  2. marlarosebrady April 1, 2013 at 5:23 am #

    Lol i feel the same about fight club

    • bellejarblog April 1, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

      Haha good point! Except in that case they really ARE two sides of the same person.

      I’ve always wanted to see an all-girl version of Fight Club, like, with all of the dialogue almost the same, just with women instead of dudes.

      • marlarosebrady April 1, 2013 at 2:35 pm #

        THATS AN AWESOME IDEA. How could you put such amazingness into my mind?

  3. Katie April 1, 2013 at 8:28 am #

    Are the boy versions “Stand by Me” and “The Outsiders”? You nailed it with the symbiotic relationship idea, but does the same go for little boys. This makes me want to read “The Chocolate War” and throw down some gender compare and contrast!

    And don’t worry, I’m only just ready to “grow up” and I turn 40 next year…

    • bellejarblog April 1, 2013 at 2:29 pm #

      Yeah, true! Although I feel like the friendship in Stand By Me between Chris and Gordy was much more beneficial to both of them than the one between Susanna and Lisa.

      MAN I had TOTALLY forgotten about The Chocolate War. I should find that book again!

  4. Katie April 1, 2013 at 8:28 am #

    Are the boy versions “Stand by Me” and “The Outsiders”? You nailed it with the symbiotic relationship idea, but does the same go for little boys? This makes me want to read “The Chocolate War” and throw down some gender compare and contrast!

    And don’t worry, I’m only just ready to “grow up” and I turn 40 next year…

  5. Miss Y April 1, 2013 at 8:29 am #

    As a teenager I would have to say I was a Susanna – I was forever pulling my friends back from bad situations but as an adult I’m a bit of both depending on the situation at hand and the company I’m keeping.

  6. Quinn April 1, 2013 at 2:20 pm #

    I think, even in it’s surface analysis, it’s perfectly fine to be a certain race and class and live in a certain part of the world and still hate your life. Apparently privileged kids can be abused. Apparently privileged kids can be mistreated or feel alone. There is no statistical criteria that draws a line in the sand on how depressed you’re allowed to be. You can be depressed for no good reason at all. Sun didn’t come out? You feel bad. Bread didn’t rise? You feel bad. Car is out of gas, guy you like turned you down, family was gunned down by insurgents. You feel bad.

    Feeling bad is simply that. You feel bad. Everyone has to feel bad or else life isn’t really worth living. Feeling bad KEEPS you alive, no matter who you are or where you live.

    You’ve articulated all the other layers of this movie fairly well so I don’t think I have anything to add. I agree with you. The reality is, anyone in any relationship needs the other one. For something or other. Or they wouldn’t be there.

    • angela April 3, 2013 at 3:57 am #

      I’m sorry, do any of you even have a clue that that movie was a shallow interpretation of an amazing book? I mean they hit a few accuracies, but it was no Cockoo’s Nest. I felt Ryders portrayal was particularly hollow. I am really amazed that you could write so much about a movie and have fucking clue about the book. And if you did, you would have mentioned it, because a book is always better.

      • bellejarblog April 3, 2013 at 2:00 pm #

        I have read the book, yes! It’s one of my favourites. But in my mind, the book and the movie are so vastly different that it seems weird to mention the two together. As you mentioned, the movie is a pretty shallow interpretation of the book. It uses the same character names, the same setting and a few small events from the book, but otherwise it’s completely different.

        To me, the book is a series of beautiful, brilliantly-written vignettes about Susanna Kaysen’s stay at McLean Hospital. The movie is more about her (mostly fictitious) symbiotic relationship with Lisa. I mean, of course she’s friends with Lisa in the book, but not with the same depth or danger as in the movie.

        So that’s why I didn’t mention the book.

  7. mariasmilios April 4, 2013 at 6:44 pm #

    I have to agree with your initial interpretation that the movie was a vapid rendering of a very profound and poignant book. I think what disturbed me most about the movie was that it portrayed the hospital as a kind of off-the-beaten path club of misfits who engaged in self-harm, rather than what McLean hospital actually was in the 1960s–a not so-fun place with rigid rules and terrifying treatments.

  8. Celeste April 14, 2013 at 6:31 am #

    It’s so interesting how many times this story gets told. I have one, you have one, Susanna had one. Cat’s Eye by Margaret Atwood was my exploration of this kind of dynamic and when I read it, I kind of had this hollowed out feeling that my memoir had already been written without me, if that makes any sense. Of course the details of the experiences were vastly different, but the raw emotion of the girl friend thing was there. I’m sure if they made a movie out of it, I would find them to be two completely different pieces of art, too.

    Anyway, I love this movie, unabashedly. Yes, it’s terrible in it’s way, but I completely agree with your assement after your recent viewing. We were that overwrought and kind of ridiculous back then. It’s kind of required of young people figuring out the world. And the whole point of telling those stories over and over again is that now we are the parents. We have the opportunity to give our children a better shake at figuring out adulthood than we got when we were 19. At least, I hope we do.

  9. ladymirth December 11, 2013 at 2:27 pm #

    Seriously, are you me? From an alternate universe where I was born in Canada five years older?

    It is freaking me out, how alike we are.

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