“Sleep when the baby sleeps!”
I started hearing it the day Theo was born. Actually, I probably started hearing it way before then, but it’s likely that I didn’t pay much attention. I just filed it under “obvious advice is obvious,” and thought nothing more of it. Of course I was going to sleep when the baby slept. Just like of course I was going to have a natural birth, breastfeed like a champ and have a kid who slept through the night at six weeks. Because, unlike all the other moms in the world, I’d read all the right books, bought all the right products, and participated in a million online discussions about how not to fuck up your kid. I was so set.
I was sure that motherhood was going to be so fulfilling. I mean, yeah, I knew it would be hard, but hard in a being-super-brave-through-tough-times-like-Florence-Nightingale sort of way, not hard in a grinding, miserable, I-hate-my-life way. Surely I would come out of those long, desperate, sleepless nights glowing with motherly love, just happy to have been able to offer my screaming child even a modicum of comfort. Surely I would be happy to sacrifice any and everything for my kid.
Surely I would never, ever resent him.
After Theo was born, people kept reminding me to sleep when he slept. But I didn’t want to; I wanted to stay awake and just stare and stare at this amazingly tiny new human I’d just created. I’d just made an entire new person that had never existed before – how could I be expected to sleep after doing that? Besides, I remember thinking, I’ll sleep later. Because, up until that moment in my life, there had always been a later. Whenever I’d had a long week at work, I’d been able to plan to sleep in on the weekend. I’d been able to look forward to vacations when Matt and I could grab catnaps together between fun activities. I’d always, always been been able to think ahead to a time when I would be able to catch up on my sleep, maybe even take some kind of sleeping aid to ensure maximum restfulness.
When you become a parent, there never seems to be a later when it comes to sleep. You either grab it when you can, or you go without. Not long after Theo was born, I learned the hard way that I couldn’t do the former – when Theo slept, I was too anxious to rest, and when I did finally manage to fall asleep, I was awakened by every. single. tiny. noise he made. I don’t know if it was because I was so fucked up on hormones, or if it was the postpartum depression beginning to rear its ugly head, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t sleep when he slept.
And you know what’s the worst? Not being able to sleep when you are bone-fucking-tired and you know that your kid is going to wake up screaming soon and then you won’t get to sit down for the next five hours.
At some point towards the end of that hazy first week of motherhood, I remember thinking, “When is someone coming to take this baby away so that I can go back to my real life?”
And then I realized that this baby was mine, and no one was going to take him away, and this was my real life now.
With that thought came a bizarre mixture of guilt over wanting to go back to my non-baby life, and blind panic of the “holy shit I have a kid, what the fuck have I just done?” variety.
In all the months I’d spent preparing to have a kid, I’d never fully realized what it would be like to have a kid.
Sometimes having a kid sucks. A lot. I love him, and I love being his mom, but sometimes I’m so tired of being a mom, anyone’s mom. Sometimes I just want to be myself. I want to go back to my old life, the life where I slept in on weekends, watched TV whenever I wanted to, and sometimes spent all day having sex with my husband. It doesn’t help that my life now bears a striking surface resemblance to my old life; I live in the same apartment, wear many of the same clothes, eat the same foods. I even look pretty much the same, except that I’m a cup size bigger than I was (thanks, breastfeeding!). I’m surrounded by reminders of the way I used to live.
It also doesn’t help that most of my friends still, in some ways, live in my old life, staying out late, drinking too much, and going to the bathroom without having a toddler follow them to watch them pee. And I promise that I’m not trying to be all, having a kid is so hard and my non-mom friends don’t get it, but let’s be honest: most of them don’t, really, in the same way that I didn’t get it, either. And I’m jealous that they don’t get it, jealous that they don’t have to watch what they eat or drink or smoke because they’re afraid of contaminating their breast milk, jealous that they can go to bed and not have a whimpering toddler wake them up five times a night, jealous that when they go home at the end of the day, their work is done, while mine lasts forever and ever and ever.
Sometimes I’m so tired of being a mom.
Sometimes I’m so fucking tired. Period.
And you know what sucks the most? Knowing that all of this is my fault. I don’t mean so much in the sense that I chose to have a kid (although that is true), but more that I haven’t done any sleep-training, haven’t tried too hard to night-wean and, at 24 months old, still can’t really imagine being away from him overnight. Know why? Because I’m a wuss, that’s why. Every time I think about sleep-training Theo, I think of all the crying that will be involved, and I wince. I’m not the crying-it-out-will-ruin-your-kid-forever type, but you know what? I just can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t. Hearing him cry makes me feel like every nerve in my body is on fire. And it’s one thing to hear my kid cry because I won’t let him splash his hands in the toilet; it’s another when he’s crying because he just wants to be held, or sung to, or breastfed.
And that’s why my 24-month-old still sleeps in my room and still breastfeeds pretty much whenever he wants at night. Because I am too tired and too wussy to do anything about it.
I’m tired and you guys?
Sometimes I still miss my old life. A lot.
And that makes me feel really awful.
The Belle Jar 
Thank you for this post (and the few beforehand). Just…thank you. I’ve had a lifetime of emotional and verbal abuse from my mother who denied her own severe PPD. To see someone who cares for her son enough to acknowledge and seek help for this sort of thing just…okay, I’ll stop the awkward rambling. You’re a much better mother than you think you are.
Oh man, that’s awful. I’m so sorry you went through that.
I don’t want to ever be a mom that Theo resents (I mean, other than in the normal teenager ways or whatever). I made him, and I love him, and I’m responsible, and I just want to whatever I can to be a good mom to him.
Thanks for sharing your story ❤
Amazing Mom who is just SO in debt to sleep. And you know what? I’ve been there.. but there does come a time when you will sleep again. I remember being at that “My kid is 2 and STILL hasn’t slept through the night ” stage. The. Worst.
Thing is, I, just like you, was too in love to break his little heart, too wussy to take on those long sleep training nights, too alone in the battle to take on any advice from another “mother”-in-arms. Around 2 I did however begin to schedule his feedings vs not.. that helped. I then decided to take a well-deserved night out (not all night, but 3am certainly feels like all night when you haven’t even managed to be away longer than 4 h after bedtime). I started by talking to my son about cutting down on milk.. so he could have it when he went to bed, when the sun woke up and at naptime. The talking really helped soothe my soul, and his as well. We talked about it every time we went to nurse. Talked about it through the day. It was a thing. It was huge changes. It was SO BRAVE. I won’t lie, there was guilt, but it made ME feel so better… and for once in a VERY long time I found myself feeling stronger from the inside out. Like, truly stronger. Like I did something for ME that wasn’t the most selfish but indeed took a lot of self-convincing.. and it paid off. By 2 years 3 months I had to wean. I had planned to self-wean, as you may know, but I found myself too touched out to enjoy our nursing relationship any longer and I didn’t want to remember it in an ugly way, because it was truly beautiful, even the hard bits. It takes a lot of perseverance on your part to be able to have the strength to say “OK.. he is my first priority… but if that is true than where do I come in?”
Putting yourself first becomes something of the past as a Mama, and I want you to know that it is A.OK to put yourself as #1 priority, because if you don’t.. sooner or later you will find yourself a person who you just can’t stand any longer.. and come on Mama, you are a pretty amazing lady, would you REALLY want to be without yourself?
Maybe these are the wrong words to say, but I wish someone had said the same to me at a time when I had nothing left in me instead of just feeling like I am made of fail.
Sometimes I am tired of being a mom too, but much less than I did this time last year. Much, much less.
Love & Bravery,
Meaghan
Oh Meag, this is so inspiring. You have no idea. I really look up to you as a mom.
And you’re right, I WOULDN’T want to be without myself.
xoxoxo
I have lots of things I could say about this, but just wanted to share about breastfeeding specifically…oh man, breastfeeding a toddler is NOTHING like breastfeeding a wee baby….I have had many moments in the last 6 months where I’ve been sobbing that I want my body back, I want to enjoy being touched again…..there are still times when I do enjoy it, but on weekends (when she tends to nurse more) or when she’s having a marathon session, it often does make my skin crawl, makes me feel like I’m completely disconnecting from my body and I have to fight every urge to just pull her off and run away. Which…happened last night actually, and after an hour I did give into the urge and S took over and she was FINE (while I was crying and beating myself up in the kitchen).
Then I feel horrible and guilty….I want her to self-wean when she’s ready but man, I don’t know…it’s hard, I’ve read so much stuff about all the benefits of extended breastfeeding and then I feel like an asshole, and I know that part of me will miss it when it’s gone, and I’ll probably feel like kicking myself for not ‘enjoying every minute’ or something. Ugh. I thought I’d be one of those crunchy-granola moms who would be breastfeeding up until 3 or 4 but yeah, I don’t see that happening.
Right now I’m just focusing on setting reasonable limits. One step at a time.
Anyway, I don’t have anything super helpful other than yeah…I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. And not getting enough sleep is just really, really hard.
I’ve become really good at cutting off nursing sessions, and Theo will repeat me when I say “all done!” or “last one!” (as in “last side” because he always asks to nurse on the other side … then the other side … then the other side). But before this phase – yeah, it was getting to be brutal.
Be gentle with yourself – I wish I could say something to take your guilt away, because you’re a fantastic mom.
I promise that reasonable limits will come soon!
AMEN.
Let me say it again.
AFUCKINGMEN.
Says the mother of three girls, ages four, six and eight…the four year old who still cosleeps and asks to nurse (despite being weaned almost two years ago due to the worse case of thrush I’ve ever experienced in my entire eight year nursing career) and the big kids who end up in the family bed several times a week. Amen.
We’ll sleep when they’re in college, right? I mean.
RIGHT???????
In some ways, I can’t wait til he’s a teenager and he’s eating and sleeping all the time!
My sister is in university and still ends up in my mom’s bed sometimes. But I hold out hope!!!!
Thanks 🙂
xoxo
Yes. You sleep when they’re in college. As long as they go to college a few hundred miles away.
You women are all brave and strong and so real. Keep hanging in.
As someone who is definitely not a mother, but who is of a similar age, I just want to thank you for this really honest and necessary post. It’s so brave and I rarely hear such honest accounts of motherhood, mental health, what it’s like to have children.
In general, it’s still so taboo to talk about hardships and tough times women experience in motherhood. Mothers are supposed to be so grateful for the joy of birth and giving life, that we forget that they’re human. Mothers are tired and never allowed to be tired. If they’re tired, they’re considered “bad” mothers. And then so many women today walk around feeling silenced with any thoughts and feelings that they have toward motherhood and children that sway from complete joy, happiness and gratitude. We talk about woman’s work as being undervalued, but a mothers’ work particularly gets missed from the conversation. As feminists we need to talk more openly about motherhood.
From the little I’ve read, I think you’re doing an amazing job and shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Take care of yourself.
Hi there. I just found you via blog her. I just wanted to commend you on your honesty and your authenticity. I’m a huge believer in the fact that if more mums were honest with each other, we’d all have more realistic expectations of motherhood from the very beginning. I too suffer from PND/PPD and whilst I know that it’s a chemical condition, I do believe that more truthfulness and honesty goes a long way in making us more aware that everyone really does feel doubtful, resentful and afraid sometimes (albeit some more than others). It makes the more vulnerable amongst us feel less alone.
I’m glad I’ve found you and I’ve just subscribed to your blog. I’ve written lots on similar subjects to this on my blog, you can find it at http://www.mummykindness.com . I’d love your thoughts.
Thank you again for sharing this. The world needs more women like you.
This is a great, honest post. I think PPD is still shrouded in so much mommy-guilt, and so many people are so scared to talk about it, even though so many of us have/have had it! I had severe PPD after my first born, and I am still embarrassed to talk about it, even though I know I shouldn’t be, and in general, I am an honest, outspoken person. I love your blog, lady! Thanks for sharing. Momaste to you! (the mom in me bows to the mom in you…)
After the pain of childbirth comes the elation of seeing your precious baby. After the grogginess of 2:00 a.m. feedings comes the restoration of quiet and the luxury of bed. After years of loving care, changing diapers and thousand of meals served comes the joy of graduation. After their departure from home to live far away comes the blessing of grandchildren.
Live with a focus on future blessing rather than the daily trials. I’d recommend Ann Voskamp’s “A Thousand Blessings”.
Thanks for sharing your experience and to the commenters for sharing theirs! I’m having my first baby in June…HOLY SHIT!!! Definitely not planned. Am excited but definitely have moments of ‘wtf did we just get ourselves into?’ I’m glad to read some real thoughts on the subject of motherhood instead of the usual things I get in my inbox from babybump and related sites. None of my close friends have children and I wasnt exactly planning on having one now…so I had mixed feelings about the whole thing at first, and probably will continue to do so. I felt guilty about that in the beginning but i’m not going to beat myself up about it. its a huge life adjustment and it would be pedestrian to think that a range of emotions wouldnt be tied to the whole experience. i appreciate your post and cant wait to read more!
Parenting is tough work. The reality of having a child who depends on you for *everything* those first few years…and then still relies on you for the next 20? That’s a pretty big reality check. Your life is f.o.r.e.v.e.r. changed. You can never fully prepare for that mentally. And while there are times when you say to yourself “will I EVER get my body back,” there will be other moments when have that toddler snuggled next to you in bed and you’ll think how wonderful your life really is.
You do get your body back. Your kids will wean, probably pretty naturally. (To the mom talking about having her “skin crawl”… time to wean!) And cosleeping and nursing a toddler are not going to “ruin” your children. I honestly think the sleep training is akin to child abuse. Really. Children cry because they have a need that is not being met: comfort, safety, pain, fear, hunger. What is ignoring that need going to teach your child? That you won’t be there for her? That you really don’t care for her at night? Um, yeah. That’s what I want my child to learn.
Just like “sleep when the baby sleeps” has become an axiom, so too, “these years will pass so fast you won’t believe it.” I have 3 kids whom I adore and who drive me stark raving bonkers at the same time. The oldest is almost 16. And he still snuggles in bed once in a while with my hubby and me. Yes, we argue like cats and dogs over grades and chores and whose turn it is to take the garbage out, but he is–and will always be–that little munchkin who nursed at my breast and who somehow crawled inside my heart. My daughters are 13 and 9. I have no regrets for having had them in bed with my husband and I. Yes, there were times when the dh and I would look at each other and sigh, but it has only strengthened our relationship and our love. I look back on those nursing and toddler years with affection and a bit of nostalgia. Do I miss changing diapers? Getting kicked in the kidneys? Feeling like my body had been switched out with a cow? No. But I do miss the constant closeness–and rightness–of having a little child next to me.
I send my kids out into the world hopefully. They are smart, resilient, capable people. They are good problem solvers. Best yet, they are supported by a thoughtful, reasoning family and they are wrapped in our love. You give a gift with your parenting choices.
“Sleep training is akin to child abuse”!? You know there are many ways to sleep train a child without leaving them scared and screaming. I have 2 boys, 1 who slept in his bed at 4 and cried every time he couldn’t sleep with me, I was pregnant. My second is not even 2 and in his own bed and has been since 10 months. He never cried himself to sleep, he actually runs to his bed and tells me when he is tired. How? I did the whine it out. He could whine a little but the moment I felt he was scared or needing mommy’s comfort I went in and gave him more kisses and hugs, held him and sang to him then put him back down with a singing turtle. I’ve never had any issues with him. He is an independent and loving 2 yr old. Actually the now 7 yr old is a little insecure though he slept with me most of his life. So no, sleep training is not child abuse. Relax your tits.
I feel a little awkward leaving a comment here because I’m only 20 years old, am not a mother, and I am nowhere even close to being ready to find someone to settle down with. I’m not even finished with college. I have zero experience with kids, except for babysitting but that’s a speck of dirt compared to your motherhood mountain. I still feel like a kid. But I wanted to comment anyway, to say that I know things will get better, and I wanted to tell you a sort of funny story that my parents like to tell me. It still makes us laugh.
I’m the oldest kid in my house. I have my little sister, Sam, who just turned 18. (I’m not even her mother and that was a trip.) When I was born, my mom developed a fever during labor and so I was born with a fever too. Because of that, the moment I was out, they whisked me off to the Infant ICU. My parents had to wait a while to see me, which I imagine was pretty hard. But when they finally did, they were walking down the hallway towards the ICU and they heard this awful noise. This horrible, nightmarish, someone-is-trying-to-murder-me-call-the-fucking-cops scream. Of course they looked at each other and smirked, like “Hah, whose kid is THAT?”
Well, it turned out to be me, and they swear, from age zero to two, the only time I wasn’t crying was when I was strapped into my car seat. My mom had to get up at three in the morning and put me in that car seat to drive me around the neighborhood until I fell back asleep. When they tried to take me out of the seat, I woke up and started crying again, so eventually they learned to just put the whole car seat into my crib and leave me there so I would sleep.
There isn’t really a point to this story, I just hoped I would make you smile. I’m sure it will get better. Good luck, and don’t be so hard on yourself. Nobody’s perfect. 🙂
i liked your story, stereostarlight!! i had some similar incidents w/all of my three girls; they are old enough not that i can look back & smile about it – it’s all beloved family lore now!
Hi there. Stumbled across this and had to say Nice Job. Good writing about a tough subject. I am way too pleased for my own good to say I know just what you are saying – the pleased part would be that I survived and never have to do that sh*t again!! Breastfeeding was the easiest and then the hardest of the stumbling blocks for me. I did about 6 1/2 yrs almost straight (I got 3 months off in between kids while pregnant thanks to a terrible stomach flu) My youngest made it to 3 1/2 before a well timed trip dried me up. My first offer is “The No-Cry Sleep Book” (I think that’s the name) which helped me set limits with out the crying. I think you need to listen to yourself – don’t let your child cry. You feel the way you do because you should listen. But you can do that in a way that doesn’t negate yourself.
I don’t have any advice for you. All the advice I got – much of it good – just couldn’t get through. But you will survive and you are a good mom, and it will be fine. These things that seem life and death will fade, and you will get, if not your old life back, a new life, that isn’t what you are living right now.
I thought I would miss nursing, but I don’t. I thought I would miss it like a hole in my heart. But I don’t. I enjoy my kids now, and the good things they bring now. And it is a relief to know that each stage has its place and I don’t have to pine away for what I’ve lost. It’s still there, and I’m glad I had it, but I don’t miss it.
Take care and keep writing.
I just read and really enjoyed your post re: Ishtar and Easter. Glancing at your tags, I thought, “wow, she’s writing about the same things I am!” (although much more prolifically) I had to follow the parenting tag, and, viola’, here I am.
I can’t speak from personal experience on ppd, other than having supported my wife while she dealt with a severe bout after our second daughter’s birth. I can only imagine how difficult that must be, knowing how hard it is just dealing with the murky waters of sleep deprivation, let alone the tumultuous hurricane that comes with raging hormones.
I can, however, completely relate to your anxiety and guilt about missing your old life. I put my professional life on hold, in order to be a stay-at-home dad. I had the good fortune to make my main “hobby” my lifestyle and livelihood, so it was a huge part of my identity. Although I knew it was the right thing to do, it took about two years for me to finally “let it go,” and just enjoy the opportunity life had presented to be the best parent I could be.
Still, there are those moments. When the girls are arguing about who said what, I just served them the bacon I burned, being interrupted by a poopy diaper, and we’re late getting out the door to go to school, only to have their baby sister poop her pants yet again. There are those days when I reflect, with a bit of remorse, on the time when I was a respected teacher and prominent leader in the community, in charge of my own destiny.
Ahhh, the glories of parenthood!
That being said, the unequivocal love I have for my children, and the innocent, unquestioning love they give in return are powerful. As hard as it sometimes is, and as illogical as it may be, I wouldn’t change it for the world. (or would I?-just kidding)
Many thanks for the thoughtful posts, and kudos to you for making the time to do it while being a full-time parent. Good luck, and know you’re not alone! I’m looking forward to reading more of your thoughts. When I find the time. Now I’ve gotta cook breakfast.
I found your blog from I Blame the Patriarchy (the post about daughters/sisters/wives), and I’ve landed on this post. It’s just what I needed today–today, that I met with a Sleep Coach to help us figure out a better situation for 26-month-old nursling. I related to lots and lots of what you said–other side, other side, other siiiiide!–and I am grateful for this Internet connection.
Haaaah there are days when I think that if I never hear the words “other side” ever again, I’ll be a very happy person.
I’m glad to have made the connection too ❤
Omg I don’t even brstfd and I feel like I’m just sick and tired of catering to my 3yr old’s constant fits,messes and just plain shit. I’m a stay at home mom with NO daycare and this everyday crap my son puts me thru and the resistance he constantly gives me just drives me thru the dam roof!!! I think all the time how I don’t want my son anymore. Period point blank being a fukin mother just sucks and the lack of good sleep doesn’t help at all. I regret choosing 2 be a mom A LOT. Ps. I’m 39 and he’s my only kid 4 a reason. I certainly WON’T be having another child
Hi Nay, I stumbled across this blog but I wanted to reply to your comment. I have a 2 yr old son and he has a temper beneath his chin, is strong-willed, stubborn and impatient (like his mummy!). He drives me absolutely nuts sometimes, to the point where I feel out of control with frustration and resulting anger. I don’t want to be an angry mum though, so it gets me down when I take to yelling. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone. Please make sure you find help when you need it, you and your son both deserve to be looked after and live in a loving environment. I don’t do daycare either at the moment (and I don’t know your circumstances) but maybe something like that would give you the break you need? After all, we can’t look after our kids well unless we look after ourselves too. I hope things get better for you. And remember “This too shall pass”.
I was so overwhelmed w one kid, 2 kids was a breeze, & now #3 feels much like #1. It never ends. I love my boys as a Mother should but I too feel defeated. Udderly exhausted. Mentally, physically, & financially. I run NONSTOP errands between food shopping, speech therapy, Occupational therapy, & my son’s Seit therapy. It is NONSTOP. Combined w the mental stress of not sleeping all night ever and trying to avoid the baby needing all of the same services my middle guy needs. My big guy is 7 and idk that it gets any better. It’s a different kind of tired. Kudos to you for nursing!!! My kids never slept w me & for that I have had it easy. Hoping you the best of luck. I just read an article in parents magazine how important it is to keep your own identity. 🙂
So I’m not alone…….phew.
Struggling this week. A sick single mom and not in the mood for it…..I want out just now.
Thank you for sharing this. I thought I was the
only mom who felt this way. My son will be 1 years old next month and I’ve had such a rough time adjusting. Nobody that knows me understands these feelings I have and I am constantly being told that I am wrong for feeling this way and that I “need help”. I love my son to pieces and I bust my ass everyday to give him what he needs.. But sometimes I just can’t take it 😥
I’m so over being a mom 😦 when I look at him I see nothing but innocence but when I looked at how fucked up my new life is it reminds me that I got married at 20 and pregnant 3 months later and that’s it. Everything is over! He’s already 7 weeks old.. Could I have ppd?
That does sound a lot like it could be PPD! I would definitely talk to your doctor – in my experience that’s not something you want to wait around on. I would rather overreact to the possibility of PPD than underreact, you know?
My daughter turned 3 months a few days ago, I have no choice to Ebf because though I introduced bottles at a month and every 3 days age refuses them adamantly now. At 3 weeks she started crying 20+, yes I’m serious, 20+ hours a day everyday up until 2 1/2 months. For the past two weeks there has been less crying but she has separation aneixty and doesn’t rely nap maybe 6 hours of sleep from her a day…maybe.
I have not had a day, let alone 15 minutes away from her to myself. Nobody will watch her because like I said she screams bloody murder with bottles. I can only get a shower in once a week. Enough said. I’m finding it increasingly difficult to want to do anything related to her anymore.
I also have a very unhappy relationship, it recently became long distance, my boyfriend won’t work but visits. My mom is trying to keep him away so I hardly see him, he misses a lot of his daughter developing/growing…
Today while nursing her I just burst into tears. I do miss my old life. I do need a night or day or time away to myself. I’m severely unhappy, severely depressed. I know I’m breaking down emotionally. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t alive. Yes my lo brings me joy, but unlike what most have said it does not make up for all the negativity that I feel. It’s so incredibly hard, I always have to remind myself that it’s worth it.
For starters what you have/had??? is called post partum depression -get help -profession help
heres some reading material for you
http://womensmentalhealth.org/posts/category/postpartum-psychiatric-disorders/
I got to this pages by clicking a link on your page entitled “boobs” I am not in the profession but i would be willing to venture a guess that the continuation of breastfeeding is more about filling a need of yours not about the best interest of your child.
Really get some help,I am not trying to be an asshole I really mean it.At worst you waste a half hour of time
that may have been worded poorly I see upon rereading it. I didnt mean to imply it would definately not be in the childs best interest or would hurt them in any way
tough, but fantastic too : )
I admire your truth and your lifestory. My daughter is 3 now and it is a PAIN!!!!!! To that child you are there everything and they are too young to understand that we are on pins and needles and im not going to lie somedays I want to jump off cliff, other days im too tired, rest of the days im just like whatever you want. I have to put my foot down even if it means hurting her feelings. My daughter sleeps throughout the night but she wakes up at the crack of dawn plus I have a hard time sleeping so when I do go to sleep I hear mommy get up!!!! and she pulls me out of bed. My sister does not understand because just like your friends she has no kids but she helps when she can but a lot of sacrifice comes with this and it is HARD you said it though im tired of being everybodys everything and days where I am over life like there has to be more to life than being a mother!!! I try to be optimistic about future and what everything will be like but it is hard but the biggest comfort is knowing that you are not alone!
OMG Thank you for this, I love my baby girl but I’m so exhausted of taking care of her, I am a working mom and when I’m home all I do is be with her or do house chores, I am in a zombie like state every day, it’s nice to read that I’m not alone…
OMG! You nailed EXACTLY how I’ve been feeling but am too ashamed to say out loud – because admitting to having those feelings would make me a terrible mom. And like you, I love my little guy and know that it won’t always be this way, but sometimes when it’s really bad I fantasize about walking out the door and running down the street screaming. When I was pregnant, I knew I couldn’t prepare for any of this so I tried to keep an open-mind and told myself I’d need to be flexible, go with the flow… But it’s so hard when I’m EXHAUSTED and mothering 24/7 a baby that just wants/needs to be with me always. I take comfort in knowing this will eventually pass – you don’t see any 18yo still sleeping in their parents bed and waking to be nursed back to sleep!
I can relate to a lot of the things you mention but i also hear more negative than positive things about motherhood. It really sounds like you are doing a lot on your own (partners can also help?) And have developed a depression. I would strongly suggest seeking a bit of help on this because i now have a 4 month old and am undergoing similar sleep deprivation…but reading your story made me feel a bit uncomfortable. Ask for help…but do not moan. In essential it is moaning and groaning which you are doing. Seek help and get out in the fresh air. Yes sleep deprivation sucks and babies are tiring and don’t go away…but how would you feel if your son would read this when he is older? It states you don’t like being a mum to him at times.
It might put it more into perspective if you meet people who have children who suffer from medical issues or disabilities. My little girl has a large tumour under her chin and could not breastfeed. I spent days crying that i couldnt use my swollen breasts to feed her. I would have done anything to make that work and wouldn’t have cared at all about not being able to drink alcohol etc. Why would I care about friends partying it up and having fun? I have much more than they do: a family.
I can’t remember what I searched to find this post, but I found it and have read it 3 times in less than 12 hours. Most of the time I’m ok with myself as a mom, but some days I am not and I’m having one of those days. I am also in Toronto and in my 30s so reading your blog has also filled me with wonder and disbelief that others so similar to me go through the same things and yet we have to deal with them alone in silos, for the most part. Anyway, so glad to have found this blog. Thank you.
I know you posted this a long time ago but THANK YOU . I’ve felt like this for a couple weeks, I have a 4 month old, and everytime the thought woukd come into my head I feel SO bad for even thinking it. I love my son so much but being a young single mom is so hard, much harder than I thought. And this just hit home for me. Relatable 100% and made me feel much less worse that I’m not the only one ! I love being a mom , but sometimes I’m tired of it too lol thank you !
Don’t wait for him to sleep through the night. Ask for help. Go to babysleepsite.com. They can devise you a plan to help your kid sleep with no CIO.
I’m tired too. I had sleep trained two of my girls successfully and was getting a lot of sleep until I had my boy this year. He is sick all the time, allergies and reflux. I’m so so tired dealing with all this. I limited a lot of his food. he slept fine for few weeks then again up for reflux. His meds make him worse. I’m also a PhD student who is going to do her qualifying exam in English literature soon. I don’t know what I was thinking??!!! Having a baby before my exam. It just happened and I cried when I knew I was pregnant. My husband had to go back home to start his job so I’m just fighting with him all the time because I’m not sleeping. If nothing works am definetly trying the babysleepsite . I followed their website for years and bought their Ebooks . The manager is so knowledgeable and helped so many parents.
I hope u are getting more sleep by now. I was just remembering my life with my parents and I wish I could go back to live with them
Best wishes,
Ghadeir
I am so glad to see I’m not the only one. I haven’t started sleep training my 8 month old because her cry just cuts through me and I am so incapable of letting her cry. So as she’s woken up for the 5th time in the middle of the night and I’m crying from exhaustion my husband says “if you’d just let her cry..” I always roll my eyes because I know he’s right but I am so physically and emotionally incapable.
Ha! I feel for all of you, just starting on the journey of motherhood. Wondering where your life has gone and that you have become a servant to this tiny human. It never really stops. No you don’t breastfeed an 18 year old and they are not tiny any longer. Breastfeeding is replaced with other more vague forms of care. Am I teaching them all the right things they need to be productive, healthy adults? How much freedom should they have in middle school then high school? How do I continue to guide them yet not guide them too much to where they tune me out? How much do I let it drive me crazy and keep me up when they are out late? When they are away at college and you are awake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking about all the bad things that can happen to them and you aren’t there. Those times are when I ache and long for the nights when maybe they kept me up because of feedings, bad dreams, not wanting to go to bed, separation anxiety or not getting homework done but I knew where they were and that they were safe. You moms can look at your babies and feel the love and innocence along with the reality of the long road ahead and wonder will you ever sleep good again. The answer is no, not because of 2 a.m. feedings any longer but because it is 2 a.m. and you can no longer be awakened by them because they have grown up and don’t rely on you any longer, the very thing that made you hate being a mom.
Wow! I could have write the same exact thing! I feel you so much! You have no idea. I know this is an older post, but today I feel the exact same way, and it makes me feel awful about my parenting. I have a 18 month old girl and a 7 week old. Everyday I ask myself why?!?! Why me?!?? Why did I do this to my life?!?? I love them with all my life and I couldn’t imagine being without them, but at the same time I miss my old me. I would like to have at least a few days a month to be me again. I don’t wanna sound mean by saying all this but it is my real feeling and I don’t even have family near or many friends to vent, so blogs are my only opportunity to do it.
If you can, find a way to have the kids looked after, put on something you feel good in and go somewhere you love. I find this has helped me tremendously.
I’ve been crying for the last 15 minutes. I needed this. Mommy to a 5 year old, and been a mommy since 14. I never even got to experience anything. This really resonated with me. It made me feel so much better. Thank you.
You wrote this post a long time ago and will probably never see my comment, but I must chime in with the others and say thank you. I am the mother of a beautiful amazing four-month-old baby girl and for the the past hour I have been at work crying because time is passing quickly and I don’t want to go home to her. I would gladly stay here overnight and work the entire time. For free. Thank you. Stay strong fellow mamas.
My daughter is 2 and I do the same thing.
Thank you. I had an awful toddler day and typed in “sometimes life is fucking hard with a toddler” into Google and came on your blog. I just talked to three family members and non of them understand. They don’t live with tiny mental health diminishers. Thank you for saying you sometimes want your old life back so that I can fibally give myself permission to as well.
Thank you. I cried today because I can’t do it anymore and then cried that I was at that place. Unless you life through it, no one around me understands how toddlers diminish mental health. They think I’m crazy and thank you for making me feel a little less crazy.