Last week, I wrote a post for the Good Men Project on why, from a feminist mother’s perspective, I think that fathers matter. The Marriage editor of the GMP then asked me to write something about feminism and marriage (which will probably end up being something like: “get married if you want to! don’t get married if you don’t want to!”), and so I went hunting for the email I sent my friends after Matt proposed to me. You know, as evidence that I thought I’d never get married and also used to hate marriage.
In my head I remembered this email being a few lines long and slightly awkward. But no. OH NO. It is so much more than that. It’s actually kind of horrifying. Naturally, since I’m pretty embarrassed about it, I’ve decided to make it public. Because that’s a thing that I do, apparently.
Check it out!
Hey dudes,
So, I have some news for you. Before he left for
Ontario, Matt asked me to marry him, and I thought
about it for a while, and then I said yes. I’ll give
you some time now to start pacing around the room and
yelling about how shitty marriage is and why the hell
do all your friends get married and then maybe you
need to call each other and yell some more. And then
maybe throw some things.
I’m actually really scared you guys will think I’m
incredibly stupid for doing this. And I know that
marriage is lame and old-fashioned, but the thing is,
I’m pretty lame and old-fashioned, too. And I’ve
realized that I don’t want to be with anyone else but
Matt, and I want to have a party with my friends and
family to celebrate that. I know I don’t get mushy or
talk about love much, but I really love him a lot, and
I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He’s one
of the few people that I know who can deal with my
awful moods and he puts up with all of my shit without
complaining, and he treats me really, really well, and
also (again) I love him a lot. It’s kind of hard to
put this down in writing and have it sound real and
not ridiculous, but there you have it.
Kat, maybe you remember this and maybe you don’t, but
you said once that that if you ever wanted to have an
abortion, you knew that I’d be right there beside you,
supporting you, even though it’s not a choice I’d
make for myself. So, I guess it’s kind of shitty to
compare my wedding to an abortion, but I hope that you
can stand by me and not think less of me, even though
it’s not a choice you might make for myself.
I hope that both of you (once you’re done yelling and
smoking and stuff) will be happy for me, because for
once, I’m happy for myself (and that doesn’t happen
often).
Love,
Anne
….
YOU GUYS, I COMPARED MY WEDDING TO AN ABORTION. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
No, but seriously.
At least I clean up well:
The Belle Jar 
I read (and commented on) your “Fathers matter” piece for GMP and I vote you include this email in your piece about being a married feminist. Your “voice” comes through so much better here than it did over at GMP.
And, for what it’s worth, I don’t think you need to give any advice whatsoever about marriage for the GMP crowd (“do, don’t, whatever”), just explain your journey and, if you can, compare it to some general data (“look how many women are getting married!”) or other high profile piece (“sorry Ms. Friedan, but I *love* him”) that’s relevant. It seems to me most of the GMP articles don’t necessarily come to groundbreaking conclusions, they just offer up a window into the author’s own experience and observations as an example of maybe what real people are experiencing and observing. Anyway. I like your style and now have another blog to follow. Cheers.
Aw thanks! I think I tend to write differently at the GMP because a) I’m trying to be more professional and b) it can be a touchy crowd and I don’t want to offend/upset anyone. Especially after the whole rape culture debacle. I am STILL getting angry comments in my email about that one. IT’S BEEN A MONTH.
Yeah the rape culture thing is crazy. I think there’s just so much charge surrounding anything relating to sex. And we really aren’t ready (in the US at least) to talk about it in a mature way. The recent debate about contraception is another good example – god forbid women approach sex as pleasure. To challenge and unravel the mainstream discourse about sex (from any angle) is a perilous endeavor. Personally, I think naming “rape culture” for what it is really must be done before any change can come.
Hello there, Anne! What a neat web site and what a neat wedding. I am a softy for a man in a kilt, as my men wear them as well. I am so glad you were receptive to this wonderful man’s advances, as shunning love and caring can cause a great deal of emotional pain. Buying the absence of a home and husband as a key to feminine happiness is as silly as not thinking past the wedding. Much Love to you and yours, Fondly, Robin