I Am At Least Three Times As Ugly As Jessica Valenti

15 Jan

Today the website Return Of Kings (which I had never heard of, but I’m sure is super important and relevant) published their list of The 9 Ugliest Feminists in America.

My first thought was: What, they couldn’t find one more ugly feminist in order to round it out to an even ten?

My second thought was: I wonder which pictures of me they chose for their post?

Everyone knows that I am at least the third ugliest feminist in North America.

For example, I am way uglier than Jessica Valenti. Like, this is your ugly picture of her?

jessica-3

Bitch, please.

You want ugly? Let me show you ugly.

ugly

Hey, at least my kid is cute, right?

Science has proven that I am at least three times as ugly as Jessica Valenti. Here is a graph demonstrating our comparative ugliness:

flowchart

 

You know that there is some real fucking science involved when there is a GRAPH. Science is awesome.

Imagine my surprise and embarrassment, then, when I realized that I’d been overlooked for this, the definitive list of ugly feminists. Me. The one with the bad skin, hooked nose and squinty eyes. The one who was voted ugliest in class by a group of 12 year old girls. The one who is eternally on the receiving end of remarks like, well, at least you’re smart.

All right, all right, I know what you’re probably thinking.

“But Annabelle,” you might say, “These women are all famous feminists. Sure, you’ve had a few posts go viral, but you’re nowhere on the same level of recognition as, say, Hanna Rosin.”

And you know what? That would be a fair criticism to make if this was a list of the  nine ugliest famous feminists in America. But it’s not. It’s just a list of the nine ugliest feminists. And I am deeply, deeply hurt that I wasn’t included. Because, seriously, what is my point in life if I’m not grossing out the men’s rights activists with my Medusa-like face?

So, come on, Return of Kings, let me know what I can do to put myself in the running for next year’s list. Should I gain weight? You seem pretty fatphobic, so that could be a winning strategy. Should I lose weight? That might seem strange to some, but I think that if I could get to the point where men consider me “scary skinny” (as the tabloids say), I might have an advantage over more average-sized women. Should I wear more makeup and have you accuse me of looking like a whore? Or should I wear no makeup  and let you mock my face as-is? Should I dress badly so that you can make fun of my fashion sense? Or should I dress well so that you can laugh and laugh about how those silly feminists want to be taken seriously and look good?

Come on, guys, throw a girl a bone here!

In all seriousness, though, the funniest thing about your whole post isn’t your pathetic attempt at making “she’s-so-ugly” jokes – it’s the fact that you seem to think that any of these women care about whether you find them attractive or not. Sadly, most of them don’t even know you exist. They write off your comments and tweets and posts as trolling, and, honestly, don’t even give you a second thought. Sorry. I know the truth hurts. Someone has to say it, though, right?

But hey, I gotta thank you for helping me show that feminism is still relevant and necessary. Because as long as there are still douchebags like you out there publishing crap like this, it’s easy to prove why we still need to fight for women’s rights and equality. Your list has actually done more to help the feminist movement than hurt it. So please, keep on posting stuff like this and making my job easier.

Seriously, though, don’t forget me in 2014!!!

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11 Responses to “I Am At Least Three Times As Ugly As Jessica Valenti”

  1. Rosie January 15, 2013 at 7:47 pm #

    OMG, you are brilliant AND beautiful. And why the **** am I not on their list? I’m old, overweight, and recently got a mohawk, for Pete’s sake. What’s an ugly feminist got to do? Oh yeah, and poor, ugly Jessica Valenti. I can’t imagine how she faces the mirror every day. ❤

    • bellejarblog January 16, 2013 at 1:10 am #

      YOU HAVE A MOHAWK? How did I miss this? That sounds amazing!

      p.s. I also think you are brilliant and beautiful ❤

      • Rosie January 16, 2013 at 4:13 am #

        Yeah, it was a direct response to B’s betrayal and cowardly departure. A way of wresting some control back, or something. And I love it. I pin it back all girly with clips and have bangs. 😉

        PS: Thanks. 😀

  2. Kylie January 15, 2013 at 7:59 pm #

    Great post!!!

  3. Jimbo January 15, 2013 at 10:22 pm #

    Yeah bitch you are ugly.

    • bellejarblog January 16, 2013 at 1:09 am #

      I KNOW, RIGHT?

      How did I ever trick a dude into sleeping with me in order to make a baby? MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE.

    • Rosie January 16, 2013 at 7:51 pm #

      Jimbo, I’m guessing English isn’t your first language. But you type pretty well for a primate, so you’ve got that going for you. Get a few hundred friends together, and maybe you can come up with a sonnet or something. Make your mama prouder than she’s been since the day you learned to sign for more banana chips.

    • groovylocks January 18, 2013 at 2:45 am #

      I want to see what Jimbo looks like. If he doesn’t show us his face, I can only assume he’s ugly. Which wouldn’t matter if he weren’t also stupid. But given that he IS clearly stupid and useless, his only hope in life are his looks. So come on Jimbo. Show us.

  4. Martin Wallace (@Aliteraryshadow) February 12, 2013 at 9:42 pm #

    The weird thing is that I find all of these women really hot. I think I may be missing the point,

  5. annesquared March 9, 2013 at 5:16 pm #

    Love the article. Graph is priceless.

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