Robin Thicke and the Dynamics of Abuse

23 Jun

TW for domestic violence, abuse and rape

Robin Thicke is gross.

I mean, we knew that already, of course.

But today he has somehow managed to surpass his former grossitude and shot up through the I Can’t Even atmosphere and into the Outer Space Repository of Hella Gross Dudes.

But what could possibly have caused this intense leveling-up, you may well ask. How could he have done something worse than penning the summer’s unofficial rape album?

Well, for starters, he announced the release and official track list of his new album, Paula. Paula, by the way, refers to his estranged wife, Paula Patton. She recently left him. This album is his attempt to win her back.

Let’s take a look at the song titles, shall we?
1. “You’re My Fantasy”

2. “Get Her Back”

3. “Still Madly Crazy”

4. “Lock the Door”

5. “Whatever I Want”

6. “Living in New York City”

7. “Love Can Grow Back”

8. “Black Tar Cloud”

9. “Too Little Too Late”

10. “Tippy Toes”

11. “Something Bad”

12. “The Opposite of Me”

13. “Time of Your Life”

14. “Forever Love”

It’s honestly like reading an abuser’s check-list. She’s his fantasy. He needs to get her back. He’ll isolate her, maybe refuse to let her leave. He’ll lock the door. He’ll do whatever he wants. Because love can grow back. Because it’s a forever love.

These apologies, entreaties, promises and veiled threats are all a typical part of the cycle of abuse.  This is what psychologist Leonore E. Walker calls the “Reconciliation/Honeymoon Phase” – the abuser feels guilty, is contrite. He or she makes grand gestures of their affection, constructs elaborate apologies. They promise never to hurt their loved one again. They might promise to get help (though most likely they won’t). If that doesn’t work, they might threaten suicide or self-injury in order to gain sympathy or otherwise manipulate the situation. They will do literally anything they can to convince their victim not to leave them.

The cycle continues when the abused person, whether out of fear or out of genuine belief that things will get better, decides to reconcile.

All right, you might be saying, some of those track names are pretty questionable, but surely that doesn’t mean that Robin Thicke is an abusive partner, does it?

Well, take that track list in conjunction with the video for his new single “Get Her Back” that Thicke released today, and you might find yourself feeling a little more convinced.

The video is filled with texts that were, we are supposed to believe, exchanged by Thicke and Patton.

Here are the texts supposedly sent by Patton:

“I kept trying to warn you you were pushing me too far…”

“We had everything.”

“Why Why Why Why Why???”

“You drink too much.”

“You embarrassed me.”

“I can’t make love to you anymore.”

“I don’t even know who you are.”

“You ruined everything.”

“I have to go.”

“How could you do that to me?”

“you’re reckless”

And here are Thicke’s texts:

“I’m sorry.”

“Can I talk to you?”

“I hate myself.”

“Can I come see you?” (to which Patton apparently replies “It’s too soon.”)

“I wrote a whole album about you.” (which elicits the response “I don’t care.”)

“I miss u”

“This is just the beginning.”

That last text, by the way, is posted over a blurry image of Thicke walking away, his posture tense, ready for a fight. The words read very much like a threat.

This video is not romantic. It is an attempt by Thicke to use his huge public platform to manipulate and shame his wife into getting back together with him. Now, if she says no, she becomes the bad guy, and he becomes the victim. In fact, he’s already making himself out to be the victim – between his sad I’m-so-awful-and-pathetic texts, and the fact that his face is cut and bloody in the video, he’s doing his best to come off as the poor, heartbroken, sensitive man who’s been left by his mean, unrelenting wife. Sure he may have done some things that contributed to the breakup, but look how sorry he is. Look how willing to make amends. How could she be so cold and hard? And what about their children, don’t they deserve to have their father around?

What Robin Thicke is doing is trying to coerce his wife into coming back to him, by publicly shaming and humiliating her. I have no idea whether the texts in the video were actually from her (though I really, really hope that they’re not), but it doesn’t really matter, because he’s presenting them as hers. He is, as @middle_ladle said on twitter, punishing her for leaving him quietly. He’s exposing her to the world, looking for sympathy. He’s making it harder and hard for her to say no.

In fact, she keeps telling him no, over and over in those texts, and he ignores her requests to leave her alone and just keeps pushing. Because her needs don’t matter to him. All that matters is getting what he wants.

Leaving an abusive partner is the part of the cycle of abuse during which the victim is most vulnerable. Because after they’ve left, the abuser often feels like they have nothing left to lose. This is the point in the cycle when the abused is most likely to be hurt or killed. People wonder why so many victims of domestic violence go back to their abusers, but the sad truth is that often that choice is safer. Leaving is incredibly risky.

What Thicke is doing is threatening and frightening and we need to stop treating it as the ultimate in romance. This is not romantic, not in the slightest. This is abusive, coercive and manipulative. This is what domestic violence looks like, and we’re so accustomed to this type of behaviour that by now it seems totally normal and healthy to us.

It’s not. And we need to acknowledge that.

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75 Responses to “Robin Thicke and the Dynamics of Abuse”

  1. deweydecimalsbutler June 23, 2014 at 9:12 pm #

    Belle – you are spot on. Thank you for calling out this bullshit.

    • Ashton Lee June 29, 2014 at 8:44 pm #

      When will this fucking piece of trash be shunned from everywhere?

  2. robinsetter June 23, 2014 at 9:29 pm #

    I have been the Paula in this scenario. I have seen the partner try everything from threatening suicide and self-harm to decorating the whole house with cutouts espousing “sweet nothings” and soon-to-be-broken promises. After about seven years, two of which we were “friends”…I am finally free!…to look back and feel so stupid at being obviously manipulated. And there were no children. I feel for Paula. :(
    Thank you once again for writing such an honest piece.

  3. linddykal June 23, 2014 at 9:41 pm #

    WHAT. A. CREEP. Those flashes of himself holding guns to his head are implying for her to come back or he’ll hurt himself, a common threat by abusers. I hope she runs far far away. I hope the world sees him for what he is.

  4. Aura June 23, 2014 at 9:53 pm #

    It even has a half obscured “gun to the head” motion at 1:41. As someone who’s had an abusive boyfriend threaten to kill himself if I left the only answer to that shit is goodbye.

    • Desi June 24, 2014 at 12:06 am #

      Repeats that gesture. & what’s with the drowning/underwater rage imagery?

      • Lapreghiera July 4, 2014 at 3:28 pm #

        Anyone else notice the la sante muerte/Santeria masks with by the woman flashed a couple of times, and throwing up middle fingers? there is a woman with the undescript Jason Vorhees face lurking in the background. Wonder what all that says about his concept of Paula….
        In light of this analysis, one should go back and look at his whole discography to track the incidences of abuse/reconciliation.ex

  5. georgefinnegan June 23, 2014 at 10:02 pm #

    My fourteen-year-old daughter even had this sort of problem with her first boyfriend. I’m glad we were able to talk to her about it and help her understand the abuse cycle. Thanks for your efforts!

  6. fifitrixibell June 23, 2014 at 11:01 pm #

    Reblogged this on thirties are the new twenties.

  7. Norman Karlik June 23, 2014 at 11:44 pm #

    For Paula’s sake, I hope we’re wrong about this.

  8. bveltrop72 June 23, 2014 at 11:46 pm #

    Fortunately, Paula’s recent movie success she has the money and celebrity to escape his clutches. Unless he decides to pull an OJ Simpson. Most domestic violence victims have absolutely no resources from which to draw. That’s part of the reason I was so upset when the governor of Texas signed a law requiring women’s health clinics have admitting privileges if they perform abortions. This closed all but 5 clinics in the entire state. Women in rural communities have no access to proper health or prenatal care, shelters are few and far between. There is no where for these women to turn when their husbands have raped and beaten them. They are constantly pregnant, terrorized, and isolated.

  9. ML June 24, 2014 at 12:00 am #

    I agree…the video is disturbing…having experienced an abusive relationship in the past, I found his public statements about getting her back reminiscent of that relationship…these public pleas seem to have a very self serving purpose attached and are designed to pressure & manipulate her into having the kind of response he wants, not to mention the imagery in the video is unsettling as well…he needs rehabilitation…

  10. Desi June 24, 2014 at 12:05 am #

    So fucking creepy.

  11. Adrian Kleinbergen June 24, 2014 at 2:34 am #

    Men like this are serial killers in the making. Only concerned over their own self-pity and uninterested in anyone else’s misery and fear. A narcissistic psychopath with no remorse and filled with self – righteousness will be capable of any act of terror. I truly sympathise with anyone who is put in the position of leaving an abusive relationship only to fear reprisal in every shadow.

  12. mentalparent June 24, 2014 at 2:35 am #

    Spot on! Seriously, no matter how catchy the music…he is still singing about very sick subjects. Thanks for sharing.

    Mental Parent

    https://mentalparent.wordpress.com/

  13. Athena June 24, 2014 at 2:40 am #

    “The words read very much like a threat.”

    Is there any evidence or accusations of abuse in this relationship? Is this simply libel? Or are you making a comment about your own psychology where anything a male says can be called threatening and oppressive. This is fascist thinking at the most fundamental level.

    • mgpcoe June 24, 2014 at 5:56 pm #

      The phrase you quoted isn’t remotely libellous. Belle isn’t saying “Robin Thicke assaulted his ex-wife”, she’s saying that the language he’s using in his songs and his videos coincide *greatly* with language used by abusers.

      While everything available in the press declares it to be an “mutual decision”, there’s a lot that can be read between the lines when a twenty-year relationship and nine-year marriage ends abruptly, to be followed up by one partner releasing an entire *album* with this kind of footprint. Any trained psychiatrist would look at these actions with a great deal of concern.

      PS, go look up “fascist” in the dictionary. I do not think it means what you think it means.

      • Sam June 25, 2014 at 3:00 am #

        Are you a trained psychiatrist?

      • Athena June 25, 2014 at 10:27 pm #

        Claiming that language being used with zero abusive context coincides with “language of used by abusers” is ludicrously flawed reasoning at best. It’s more likely to be libel mitigated by weasel words, a cowardly attack. I might as well say your language reminds me of pedophiles, for an equivalent response.

        At any rate since when is producing an album a psychiatric concern? Is it really shocking to you that individuals create art in response to their romantic struggles? It seems like you are unfamiliar with the most basic concepts that drive artistic expression. Perheps you are somewhere on the autism spectrum? A psychiatrist would look at your ramblings with great concern.

      • mgpcoe June 26, 2014 at 1:40 am #

        Why does Thicke’s language coincide with that used by abusers? Because according to virtually all of the available literature, the patterns of language, and patterns of behaviour described by (a) the text messages he sends in the video, (b) the blocking in the video, and (c) the album’s track list, all fit known pattern of domestic abuse. While I can’t say for certain if Thicke has or has not ever assaulted Paula Patton, what he’s saying here fits the pattern too comfortably. This is why I say psychiatrists would be concerned, because his actions betray his thoughts, as is well understood, particularly among practitioners of Jungian psychiatry.

        Yes, I know other musicians have released music that describes this pattern, too. The Tea Party’s “Release” does the same. However, in that case, Jeff Martin stated for the record that the song was inspired by a television report on the state of women’s right worldwide, and that the proceeds from the sales of the single would be donated to the White Ribbon Campaign.

        To date, Thicke has not been seen to disclaim the appearance he’s giving in this video and with this album. So we don’t have much else to go on.

        As far as whether or not I comprehend the “basic concepts that drive artistic expression”.. you don’t know me. You don’t know the well of heartbreak I’ve dipped into, from time to time, in order to write my own music over the course of the last fourteen years.

        Oh, and while we’re at it, libel has to satisfy three conditions: (1) a provably false statement, (2) published in print, (3) successfully defamatory or damaging to the reputation of the subject. Thicke’s done his own damage to his reputation with his last couple of records, so (3)’s going to be really hard to prove. And (1) isn’t even the case here, because the statement made is the words Thicke uses in his album and video are the hallmarks of abusers.. which they are. Whereas trying to paint me as a pedophile might *actually* be libellous, depending on whether or not anyone takes your ignorant bullshit seriously.

      • Athena June 27, 2014 at 4:34 pm #

        Please reference this ‘literature’ that studies album lyrics and music video blocking in relation to domestic abuse. I had no idea the rule of thirds has caused so many battered housewives.

        Oh, and I have don’t doubt that you experience serious heartbreak. I too would hate my life if my spouse was dedicated to admonishing my gender with so much hate and vitriol. You truly have my pity.

      • izzy82 July 1, 2014 at 1:05 am #

        If you think this post is libel then what about you saying this “Perheps you are somewhere on the autism spectrum? A psychiatrist would look at your ramblings with great concern.” And “Oh, and I have don’t doubt that you experience serious heartbreak. I too would hate my life if my spouse was dedicated to admonishing my gender with so much hate and vitriol. You truly have my pity.”
        I don’t think this is libel but just sayin’ – you’re doing the same thing here.

  14. Erica June 24, 2014 at 2:57 am #

    Video is definitely creepy!

  15. AHodges June 24, 2014 at 3:11 am #

    Unless there are incidents or allegations of abuse that I have missed, think it’s wrong to make the man out to be a menacing threat based on some song lyrics. Thicke isn’t the most enlightened guy around, but that doesn’t make him an abuser. If we want to judge people like that, then Katy Perry must be an obsessive/stalker/nut bag. Have you heard the lyrics to Dark Horse?

    We all listen and view music and art through the filter of our own life experiences. I can see how someone with a history of abuse could switch a video like this and see nothing but red flags, alternately, to me it just comes off as just another mediocre song about lost/unrequited love.

    • Sam June 25, 2014 at 3:02 am #

      Also – see P!nk’s album Funhouse. It’s entirely about her breakup with Carey Hart and whilst some songs are beautiful, others are WAY more “abusive” than this song by Thicke, (which IMO is a pretty lame song but hardly threatening). Yet P!nk is lauded by all and sundry.

    • moony June 25, 2014 at 4:47 pm #

      Well, no one said the abuse was physical. If i were Patton I would feel that his actions constituted emotional/psychological abuse. He’s making all their private shit public (yes, they’re famous but a lot of this stuff wouldn’t have come out if it weren’t for him just blatantly revealing it w/o her consent). He’s trying to make her feel guilty. He won’t leave her alone. He treated her poorly, he supposedly cheated, bla bla bla. Emotional abuse is pretty real.

  16. Charles Frith June 24, 2014 at 3:26 am #

    I avoid celebrities like syphilis but sensible critiques are always worth a read.

  17. Terry Gotham June 24, 2014 at 5:18 am #

    Reblogged this on Terry Gotham and commented:
    Dude…what? Just…Stop man. Please. You got all famous and your wife left you, and now you’re doing an album with tracklist titles that oscillate from semi-not ok to terribly not ok, or, you’re actually just really bad at keeping it in the therapist’s office. I got no problems with public break ups actually. If this album turns out to be the bonanza of evidence for the restraining order it sounds like, perhaps we’ll finally start having that conversation about appropriate dude behavior, as opposed to whether women have to wear beekeeper outfits or not.

  18. On the Couch with Dr. Barnard June 24, 2014 at 5:32 am #

    Reblogged this on lbtraumadoc.

  19. On the Couch with Dr. Barnard June 24, 2014 at 5:36 am #

    This was exceptional. I just had to reblog it. You nailed it

    • Lisa June 25, 2014 at 2:19 pm #

      What did this person nail? That speculation and interpretation is enough to brand a man an abuser? What kind of people are you? Oh I know, over educated people who love to use big words and think that that makes a point.

  20. naimavanswol June 24, 2014 at 6:43 am #

    Gross. He is clearly a giant douche nozzle. And while I’d hate to go so far as to say he’s an abuser, he is definitely doing that love bombing thing that sociopaths like to do to their prey.

    Honestly, WTAF is wrong with him? Does he honestly think this will win her back if she was on the fence? Only a narcissist would do this…

  21. Beth Caplin June 24, 2014 at 7:02 am #

    Good lord. As someone who constantly heard “But I love you!! I didn’t mean it!” during a 5-year abusive relationship, this absolutely sickens me. I really have no other words for it, so I’m glad you have taken the time to write about this. Excuse me while I find a bucket…

  22. Sara Kolka June 24, 2014 at 12:47 pm #

    I would like to know what is going on in his head. First I thought maybe the video was supposed to show “criticism” of domestic abuse by inverting the roles (He is the victim, she is the perpetrator) – but now that I read your article it looks like something much more sinister. Is he going for “Bad rep is better than no rep”? Its a shame. If he wasn’t such a douchebag, the melodies would actually be nice to listen to

  23. justme3362 June 24, 2014 at 2:33 pm #

    I’m glad you said this. I thought I was the only one who thought his ‘methods’ of ‘wooing’ his wife back were creepy and abusive.

  24. fridayfeminist June 24, 2014 at 3:10 pm #

    This is a ridiculous article. Do you know Robin and Paula personally? Have you ever met either of them? I suspect, in fact I’m pretty much certain, that the answer to both questions is “no”. But yet, you have the amazing ability to deduce, based upon nothing more than song titles and a single video, that he is an abuser? And that this album is about an abusive relationship? Me thinks thou art projecting. Big time.

  25. kantal113 June 24, 2014 at 5:29 pm #

    Yes yes yes.

  26. M June 24, 2014 at 5:29 pm #

    This persons relationship is none of your business. You don’t know him. Perhaps have some actual evidence beyond song lyrics and interpretation before you start branding someone as a rapist and abuser. Those are horrible accusations that are based on nothing but judgement and visual imagery. Your making Paula seem like more of a victim, she knows what she’s doing obviously, let her handle her own relationship without you making it more public and controversial.

    • rstetradio June 25, 2014 at 8:09 am #

      You’re right, this person’s relationship IS none of our business. So WHY is he blatting it out there for everyone to hear, whether they want to or not? Profiting off guilt manipulation.

    • Lisa June 25, 2014 at 2:15 pm #

      Preach!

    • Mike Haas June 25, 2014 at 8:48 pm #

      None of her business? He’s done everything he can to make the relationship PUBLIC – so yeah, its our business now whether we wanted it to be or not, and open to our interpretation.

  27. jackiemallon June 24, 2014 at 5:31 pm #

    I don’t know if there’s the level of abuse there that you believe. I have however thought his behavior is weird. I’ve even thought he’s putting his marriage out there in his music for commercial gain which is nasty in itself. The ultimate reality TV but set to music. But yes, I can also see it could be a form of bullying, that she has no option but to bow down to the court of public opinion. He is a puppeteer. and gross in every way.

  28. rorypeppercorn June 24, 2014 at 6:06 pm #

    That guy is a total douche! But his songs are so catchy amirite?

  29. Diana June 25, 2014 at 2:30 am #

    I wholeheartedly agree with what you said. I left my abusive husband twice and went back once, because he was so sorry and courted me and my friends said “look he brought you flowers and nice gifts and he’s so so sorry” – and then he cut me off from all those friends so I had no where to turn to. When he starting striking me (before then it was emotional abuse) I left with the kids, I spent many nights unable to sleep because I was afraid he’d break into my apartment to hurt me; I even had an escape plan drill with the kids. Paula has left and she shouldn’t let anyone talk her into going back. And we need to get it through to men that we don’t belong to them like property, that a kiss and a flower doesn’t wipe out a bruise. We need to teach our sons how to be good men, not “real men” who know how to keep the “little woman” in line.

  30. Cinta June 25, 2014 at 4:26 am #

    Wondering what her texts that didn’t make the video said.

  31. Chewbacka Grizelda June 25, 2014 at 8:17 am #

    That list and that video and the messages, both textual and visually, as well as in the audio, is just PSYCHO. She needs to take a copy of this album, including the video, to the police and at least take out a protection order of some sort against him, if she hasn’t done so already. If she has an order against him, she should take a copy to the court and have a hearing for his breaking that order. Protection orders mean NO contact. NO harassment. If she already has the order in place, then this was definitely a VIOLATION of that order. This is abosolutely that serious. Completely.

  32. Simon Winbanks June 25, 2014 at 11:53 am #

    Wow what a completely biased article. Completely misleading. No factual evidence. Leaves out the fact that the song she posted a video of sings about how he wasnt good enough to his ex and apologies for it and saying he just wants everything to be alright? Lists track titles which hold no context and adds her own slanted dark take on them…

    Dont get me wrong I dont like this guy or his music but articles like this dont help the very important cause of combating and bringing awareness to domestic abuse.

    If that song was sung by a female, this article would have never come up and there are plenty of songs like that from a female perspective.

    There is no coercing going on here, desperation sure, but the video isnt threatening, nor is he necessarily playing the victim. Him bleeding a broken could just be a physical reflection of how he feels, or a display of him beating himself up over all the things he did wrong.

    its so easy to misinterpret artistic expression and shape it to what you want it to be. but im sorry your views arent based on anything but your bias, you dont know this man personally or his ex for that matter, you know nothing about their relationship. So why do you feel you have a right to make such comments on their personal life when you have no real insight into their situation.

  33. Lisa June 25, 2014 at 2:13 pm #

    Wow you’re really pulling at straws here. You’re calling a man an abuser based on lyrics of songs and a music video. Let’s read the song list shall we? Get Her Back and You’re My Fantasy sound so rapish- he must abuse somebody right? He’s in a very dark and sad state. Ever been in that position? Did his wife ever said she was abused? Were there any police reports about domestic violence? You sound like a girl I went to college with who likened getting her g-string snapped to being raped. Drawing conclusions based on no facts and calling a man an abuser is unscrupulous on your part. It’s just as bad as callings girl a whore and slut because her song lyrics suggests she likes sex. Smh. Educated people using big words and drawing ridiculous conclusions to fit their agenda.

    • aqilaqamar June 25, 2014 at 11:32 pm #

      I actually don’t agree that he is an abuser. There needs to be more evidence. Then we must easily say Taylor Swift is an abuser. All of her songs bash her exes while she makes fun of them, mocks them and strategically abuses them. None of them comment about her. I agree when people say it is not always her exes’ fault. But yeah I don’t agree on him making an album either on this issue because I don’t know if it is him genuinely being sorry. We have to see. Making an album may bring cash but Paula Patton may not still have him back.

      • Jeremy June 27, 2014 at 10:55 pm #

        Abuse and domestic violence is rooted in sexism which gives privilege to men. The argument is that our society is sexist, which it is, just look at the wage differential, the disparity in CEO job positions, or the disparity in the federal government. So while, DV is ultimately a behavior, it is rooted in sexism. I also don’t think Taylor Swift is trying to exert control over her ex’s by writing these songs, nor is she trying to get them back. She is using it as cathartic and likely a way to combat sexism that existed in her relationships.

      • aqilaqamar June 28, 2014 at 12:33 pm #

        I know it is sexism. You are right on those. Byt Taylor Swuft at times in public acts like a jerk when referrimg to her exes. If she was abused I wish she would say so accurately aside the broken hearts tag like Amy Lee graphically did in “Going Under” and Sia did with “Titanium” and Swift does and can do that. However her behaviour afterwards is not that good. Sade also wrote of abuse in “Smooth Operator” and that’s what I am saying. Maybe she did face sexism true its so there her partners dont notice the guys I hang out with hardly notices it too. However, I wish she handles it with tact and more spirit. But maybe i wasnt pure sexism naybe it was both tgeir faults. But Thicke is an ass nor else he wouldnt accepted a twerk from still known disney type Milet Cyrus. I wish Cyrus woukd stop feeding the tabloids ans be herself. Not disney Miley nut just

    • David Parsons June 25, 2014 at 11:46 pm #

      It’s abusive behavior. The nicest spin that can be placed on it is that the love of his life has left for no reason other than they just grew apart over time and he’s going off the rails with despair, but it’s REALLY REALLY creepy to publish his reaction in this way.

  34. Laurel's Reflections June 25, 2014 at 3:15 pm #

    Thanks for an insightful and thought-provoking read. I despite this guy and find it somewhat depressing how popular his music is :-(

  35. Survivor June 25, 2014 at 10:08 pm #

    I’m sure once you listen to the lyrics, it won’t be a rape or abuse album. The author simply read the title of the songs, and decided to over analyze them and put sentences together with the song titles. We can all do that with a lot of albums (not just Robin Thicke’s, I could even do that with book titles if need be). Domestic violence, murder, and rape are important to bring awareness to and to fight against, but the person who wrote this makes me believe that they don’t take these issues seriously. The comparison of these power struggle issues/crimes to pop songs are a bit ridiculous. On the other positive, the author brings up the cycle of abuse which is great for people to understand. This way if a reader is ever in that situation, they will at least be knowledgeable about it and understand that an abuser will not change. One is the only one that can leave and break that cycle of abuse.

  36. aqilaqamar June 25, 2014 at 11:27 pm #

    I actually don’t agree completely. I mean Taylor Swift does this too. But obviously maybe Lock the door is a sexual make up in progress for him? I don’t like Thicke but yeah he doesn’t sound like a great husband. Making an album about her won’t solve anything though LOL he is focusing on her as in you, you, you in the way you blame someone; the guy needs to change himself and stop putting sex as the solution to everything like a pop culture Freud reject. The guy needs to shape himself up as in look at the real picture. Anyone want to save their marriage but doing this is crash and burn,

  37. rosemarynotroses June 26, 2014 at 10:52 am #

    This is such a good explanation of why Robin Thicke’s a horrible musician and a worse person. I’m hesitant to speculate about his marriage to Paula Patton because that doesn’t necessarily seem helpful to her or their children, but he did say in an interview that he wrote ‘Blurred Lines’ “for her”. So he wrote an abusive, rapey song about the dynamics of their marriage while they were together and has now written an, as you point out, abusive album to ‘get her back’. It’s so wrong and creepy, and it’s terrible that more people don’t recognise the abusive dynamics at work here. I was at my city’s Pride at the weekend. You’d think people in the LGBQT community would be more educated about feminism and the dynamics of abuse, since they’re related issues, but they played ‘Blurred Lines’ three times and people were singing along.

  38. subzero05 June 26, 2014 at 2:11 pm #

    You know when people accuse feminists of being anti-male…this is kind of why. So you don’t like Robin Thicke probably because of that Blurred Lines song. Why not just say that instead of making it seem as if you’re making a fair point? No matter how much you wish it so, many non-feminists interpreted the song as harmless flirtation that healthy couples engage in everyday. I know that’s hard for you to accept

    Being male, and making a song about your ex does not make you an “abuser”. Plenty of singers, both male and female have done it. There is no way you’d write this article if a female singer, whether Beyonce or Katy Perry or anyone else, did this. You know it and most fair minded people know it. There are “abusers” who try to exercise control over their ex, and then there are normal men and women who try to get their ex back.

    • Jeremy June 27, 2014 at 10:49 pm #

      Writing an album and putting up weird videos is a form of control by trying to get the public as an ally towards your behavior. I don’t think the author is saying he is definitely an abuser, rather he is engaging in behavior that resembles the cycle of violence and thus abusive behavior. Ultimately we don’t know if he has been abusive but I think your definition of ‘abusers’ is a little narrow.

  39. Jeremy June 27, 2014 at 10:43 pm #

    I didn’t take time to read all of the comments, so this may have been already said, but I believe there is a flash of Thicke holding his finger to his head, around 1:10, with creepy imagery of the woman wearing a skull mask. Pretty overt signs of the threatening suicide or harm towards the victim, of an abuser.

    Also, many people will likely disagree with you but I believe that is because we (as men) are socialized to think ‘getting her back’ is noble and harmless yet anger, shame, and violence may be lurking beneath the surface.

    Last, I’ve always thought Thicke was a little creepy but this video is over the top and grotesque.

  40. frugoal June 28, 2014 at 5:04 pm #

    He is just “yuck”. I really hope that those aren’t actual texts because that is a huge invasion of privacy!

  41. Ariadny July 10, 2014 at 8:27 pm #

    THANK YOU! (I couldn’t watch the video)

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Robin Thicke Sounds An Awful Lot Like An Abuser | Fiending for Hope - June 23, 2014

    […] write an album professing his love for them, but I want to be clear that this is textbook, classic abuser behavior. Am I calling Robin Thicke an abuser? No. I do not know what goes on behind closed doors in his […]

  2. I Miss Lloyd Dobbler (or More Reasons Why Robin Thicke Is a Creep) | alwayscoffee - June 24, 2014

    […] Now, there’s this freakin’ video (there’s a great analysis here). In it, it appears that Thicke uses text messages that he and Patton exchanged as some kind of […]

  3. Links: Tuesday, June 24th | Love in the Margins - June 24, 2014

    […] Robin Thicke and the Dynamics of Abuse – This post could easily describe a substantial portion of romance’s “alpha” heroes. Seeing this behavior written by a real live man actively pressuring a real woman to reunite with him makes it a lot more sinister, no? […]

  4. Robin Thicke and the Dynamics of Abuse | ¡Ay, yay, yay, Capitana! - June 25, 2014

    […] via Robin Thicke and the Dynamics of Abuse. […]

  5. Weekly Round-Up: June 27, 2014 | CARLY PUCH - June 27, 2014

    […] Just when you thought it wasn’t possible Robin Thicke got more weird and creepy. His new album has been released, and is apparently his attempt at getting his wife back. His video for a song off the album, “Get Her Back”, is another example of the romanticization of stalking. Check out some great blogger take downs of the album and video here and here. […]

  6. In the News… (June 21-27) | Colorado Coalition Against Sexual Assault - June 27, 2014

    […] Robin Thicke has a new video out, and it’s really disturbing. […]

  7. Call Robin Thicke’s #GetHerBack Campaign What It Is, Stalking - June 27, 2014

    […] centered on their split-up. You may be thinking, “Hmm, the names of these sound like some kind of abuser’s checklist.” And you’re not the only […]

  8. Call Robin Thicke’s #GetHerBack Campaign What It Is: Stalking - June 27, 2014

    […] centered on their split-up. You may be thinking, “Hmm, the names of these sound like some kind of abuser’s checklist.” And you’re not the only […]

  9. Robin Thicke and the Dynamics of Abuse | Discover You - June 28, 2014

    […] Robin Thicke and the Dynamics of Abuse. […]

  10. OUR SUNDAY LINKS : GUTS Canadian Feminist Magazine - June 29, 2014

    […] on misogyny,  has released yet another troubling video for his latest summer hit. The Belle Jar explains how Thicke  embodies the dynamics of domestic abuse in “Get Her Back”– a […]

  11. Mädchenmannschaft » Blog Archive » Ohlauer, Nazi-Aufkleber und #AskThicke auf Twitter – kurz verlinkt - July 2, 2014

    […] The Belle Jar schrieb schrieb über Robin Thicke und sexuelle Gewalt (Triggerwarnung), und das Bitch Magazine feiert eine Twitter-Aktion, die eigentlich der Promotion für Thickes neues Album dienen sollte, letztlich aber dazu führte, dass Thicke(s Promo-Team) sich mit einer Menge unangenehmer Fragen konfrontiert sah. […]

  12. ‘Get Her Back’, ‘Cutoff culture’ and men who won’t let go | Rosemary Not Roses - July 3, 2014

    […] video displays many of the common behaviours abusers use to manipulate their victims into getting back into a relationship with them when they try to escape, including threats of […]

  13. Is Robin Thicke the Male Equivalent of a Crazy Ex-Girlfriend? | GlobalCommentGlobalComment - July 17, 2014

    […] was unusual, by that point: Even before those lyrics hit, feminist bloggers were confidently posting detailed, damning analyses of Paula’s stalkeresque content — “She’s his fantasy. He needs to get her back. He’ll […]

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