I know, I know, this is the second open letter I’ve written to you in, like, a month. And I know, you didn’t even read the first one, even though I poured my heart and soul into it, and tweeted about it extensively (and by extensively, I mean obnoxiously).
The thing is, Wil, I need your help. I know we don’t know each other very well, or, really, at all. I’ve tweeted at you a lot while drunk, so you already know how funny and awesome I am. I’ve watched a lot of Star Trek, so I know what you look like in terrible sweaters. One time you tweeted back at me (actually, you tweeted twice, but the second one was to correct a typo), so I am pretending that means that we’re internet buds. That’s how these things work, right?
So anyway, here’s the whole story:
Last night, I was wasting time on twitter (as is my wont). You tweeted a link to something on his tumblr, and since I think you’re aces, I clicked to check it out.
Guess what I discovered on your tumblr? Oh, just something that you reposted about women’s reproductive rights.
“HOLY CATS!” I yelled, scaring our actual (unholy) cats.
Matt, naturally, asked me what the hell I was yelling about.
I told him that I had just stumbled upon a trifecta of the the three things I love the most – Wil Wheaton, women’s reproductive justice, and social media.
Matt wanted to know why he and Theo weren’t part of that trifecta.
I told him that they were part of a different trifecta.
He tried to argue that if it was a trifecta of three things that I love the most then he and Theo should be on it.
I told him that there were two trifectas of things that I love the most. There’s the one I mentioned above, and one involving Matt, Theo and cake. He told me that I couldn’t have two trifectas of things that I love the most. I told him that I can have as many damn trifectas as I want, because I am the boss of trifectas. I told him that he gets no say in how many trifectas I have.
He just rolled his eyes and left the room. Then he came back and asked if, out of all my trifectas of things I love the most, his came first.
“Sure buddy, whatever,” I said. I wasn’t really paying attention to him, because I was having an IDEA.
See, the thing is, I get mansplained a lot. Maybe not here, on my personal blog, but on posts that I write for other sites. My post about that rape joke on The Oatmeal that went viral? You better believe I got mansplained to hell and back on that one, both on BlogHer (which picked it up and featured it), and on various other Serious Business News Sites that linked to it. Oh and the mansplainers and misogynists came here, to my post about The Oatmeal’s 5 Super Neat Ways To Use A Hooker, intent on proving that I don’t know anything, ever and am just silly feminist who likes to get worked up over nothing.
So now that I know that you love protecting the rights of lady parts (and, hopefully, ladies themselves), I have this brilliant plan. See, I realized that if only I had a picture of you holding up a sign that says “STOP MANSPLAINING”, I could just post that picture whenever dudes are mansplaining. And they would be like, WELL, if WIL WHEATON says I should stop, PROBABLY HE IS RIGHT.
I know what you’re thinking – a picture like this is a powerful tool. In the wrong hands, it could definitely be used for evil. But just think of how much good I could accomplish with it!
An added bonus is that if you ever happened to catch yourself in the act of mansplaining, you could look at the picture and be like, “Oh, great, advice from someone I trust.”*
So please Wil? Just one little picture?
Remember when you told everyone not to be a dick, and it was great, and world peace was achieved?
Now you can do the same for people facing mansplainers everywhere!
Anyway, that’s all. I’ll let you get back to your whatever it was you were doing.
p.s. You could also take a picture of yourself holding a picture that says “Anne Is The Best,” and it would be great because it could mean your wife OR it could mean me. Everybody wins!
p.p.s. Sorry again for all the drunk tweets
p.p.p.s. Sorry for all the annoying sober tweets, too
p.p.p.p.s. Here is a picture of me in a Star Trek-inspired sweater I found at a thrift shop. I thought maybe you would like it? In like a geek solidarity kinda way? I really tried to 80s up the makeup to make it more TNG authentic
p.p.p.p.p.s. This is the face I make when I am getting mansplained
*The credit for this joke goes to Jesse Dangerously, who is way funnier than me on social media AND in real life